Election News: Clegg's shopping list

Clegg: two up front?

Following the failure of any party to gain an overall majority in the House of Commons in yesterday’s General Election, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg refused to comment on reports that his among his demands to David Cameron to ensure his support for a Conservative minority government was the suspension of all promotions and relegations in the Premier League, Championship and Leagues One and Two.

However a source close to the leadership spoke exclusively to Spraying The Rays;

“It’s true of course that we want to see electoral reform, abolition of the House of Lords and the abandonment of the Trident nuclear deterrent,” he told our Beer and Politics correspondent Stray Photon.

“But Nick is convinced it would bring in a lot of votes in the increasingly marginal East Yorkshire constituencies at the next election if we managed to preserve Hull City’s Premiership status.”

When it was pointed out that this would also mean other teams would miss out on promotion, our source was sceptical about any effect on the party’s future prospects in West Yorkshire. “You mean Leeds United? Their fans can’t spell “X” to put it on a ballot paper.”

Late News: Clegg rules out deal with Brown: “Phil has had his chance. It has to be Dowie next season”.

Bullard to flip burgers in KC shakeup

Bullard: relishing new challenge

from our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon;

In efforts to cut costs at cash strapped former Premier League football club Hull City, record signing Jimmy Bullard has been reassigned to the burger van at the KC stadium.

Chairman Adam Pearson explained: “Whilst Mr Bullard’s contract means we are obliged to honour the remaining 3 years at £45K per week, we can at least save the £6.5K annual salary of a current member of the catering staff. This also means that by keeping Jimmy out of the playing squad he will be ineligible for any win bonuses, in the unlikely event of us actually winning any games next season.”

Ousted burgerman Ernest Bull (67) said he was disappointed by the development but was prepared to step aside if it was in the best interests of the club he has supported since the age of 14. He spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays:

“In the old days player regularly helped out on the van. Chris Chilton used to rustle up a mean cheeseburger (easy on the onions), and Brian Marwood was a wizard on the hot dog stand. Raitch Carter tended to be a bit heavy on the mustard. Not sure about this new bloke though, he’ll need to wear a hairnet with all that girly hair, so he’ll look a right pranny.”


Late news: City cash boost as Bullard injured again

Hull City are set to claim a substantial amount on insurance as top earner Jimmy Bullard suffered the latest in a string of injuries. The floppy-haired midfielder is understood to have flicked hot fat into his eye during a training session for his new role at the club as burger van operative.

Bullard will be flown to the US for treatment by top sports surgeon Richard Steadman who has operated on his previous injuries, and he is expected to make a full recovery in a matter of hours. However because he sustained the injury as a result of refusing to wear the protective eyewear as provided by his employers, he is in breach of the Health and Safety at Work act (1974) and has been dismissed by the club, who are not liable to pay any compensation.

Adam Pearson commented, “Now that’s what I call a result.”


Late late news: In a further financial blow to Hull City, Pearson blames previous chairman Duffen as it transpires the playing squad was only insured for 3rd party fire and theft.


Next Week: Following the theft of record signing Jimmy Bullard from the KC Stadium, Hull City appeal for his safe return and issue the following description: “ Mr Bullard is black, approximately 6’ 5” tall with closely cropped hair, and he speaks with a strong Scottish accent. He may also show signs of having been recently on fire.”

I Had A Dream...

Hello readers!

I have just woken up from a wonderful dream…

I dreamed of a sunny Wembley Stadium and a wonder goal that took Hull City up into the Premiership…

I dreamed of local men Dean Windass and Nick Barmby plying their trade in Amber and Black for the Tigers

I dreamed of glorious victories at hallowed venues like White Hart Lane and Ashburton Grove

I dreamed of cynical pundits on "Match of the Day" eating their words as we rose to 4th place in the world’s greatest football league


But now I have woken. And reality dawns.

My club are in deep financial trouble.

The future is uncertain.

We have players who care more about paying their inflated pay-cheque into the bank than putting the ball in the goal or their boot into a tackle.

I look forward grim-faced to fixtures against Scunthorpe, Barnsley and maybe even L**ds United next season.


Bloody hell though, what a dream it was!

Next Week: With the Premiership experiment in tatters, the Back to Boothferry campaign gathers pace...

Drake to sue ITV

from our Beer and Showbusiness correspondent Stray Photon:

"Gabs" outlines her complaints at today's press conference.

Following her brief but triumphant appearance in ITV's "Coronation Street", glamorous actress and part-time Hull City manager Gabrielle Drake is contemplating legal action against Granada TV, makers of the long running soap opera, over what she has called a "monumental cock-up" in the make up department.

...and as she appears on the "Street"

"It's outrageous. Somehow they managed to make me look about 59," said Ms Drake (69).


The former Moonbase commander continued;


"My fans are distraught, and I have been inundated by a letter of complaint from a Mr S. Photon of Twickenham, Middlesex, about my hair having been dyed a strange unearthly "Dark Chestnut Brown" colour."



Meanwhile at the KC Stadium, as plans are made to strengthen the Tigers' squad for a second season in the Premier League, the club's nailbiting last gasp escape from relegation has been linked to a sudden increase in profits from merchandising at the club's online shop:

The Hat is Back!

And Spraying the Rays would like to be the 413,359th to congratulate Brentford Athletic FC on their promotion as Champions of something called Football League Two. Already sitting pretty on top of Football League One, the club looks set to achieve back to back promotions into the Championship, a feat last achieved by, er, Hull City. COME ON YOU BEES!






Next Week: part one of a new drama series: Mr. Windass Goes to Darlington. Our hero Deano gets on the wrong train at York, ending up at Selhurst Park instead of the Northern Echo Arena, and much hilarity ensues...

The Curse of the Hat

Not only are South West Trains failing to offer a service between Whitton and Richmond thereby preventing essential health care staff getting to work and save lives etc, neither they or any of their staff have managed to find my Hat.

Since the loss of the Hat, Hull City have shipped 9 goals and scored only 2 in reply.

Not to mention the rather embarrassing al fresco team talk episode.

Shamefully the Tiger Leisure online shop seem to be completely out of stock when it comes to Hats.

Even the pink ones for girls.

So here I sit in some trepidation, bare-headed and about to listen the BBC radio commentary from the KC as we face Aston Villa.

Of course I could go down to the pub and watch the game on Sky.

But it is rather cold.

And I haven't got a Hat.

Next Week: The real reason for that team talk:

"Right. Who was looking after the changing room keys?"

Voting scandals: Then and Now

Major and Currie: saucy Saturday night routines

Controversy rages over political correspondent John Sergeant's continued survival in the BBC's hit Saturday evening show, "Strictly Come Dancing".

Despite being consistently panned by the judges, the rotund reporter has been taken to the hearts of the Great British Public who continue to vote for him at the expense of more talented performers such as Cherie Lunghi, Heather Small, and Phil Daniels. (OK, well maybe not Phil Daniels)

But Spraying the Rays' Beer and Ballroom correspondent Stray Photon asks:

"Have we learned nothing?"

Sixteen years ago it was another militarisitically surnamed John with political connections who caused an upset when frumpy John Major was voted for by the British Public as Prime Minister despite the fact that rival Neil Kinnock was a better dancer.

Sergeant and Rihanoff: political scandal

Kinnock also had better policies.



But still the public voted for Major. Maybe they wanted to see more of his glamorous "dance" partner Edwina Currie.


Oh yes.


Here at Photon House however, we say, "What's the big deal?"



After all Sergeant isn't the only newcomer who is making himself unwelcome this season by remaining in contention much longer than anyone expected...







Next week: Stray Photon manages to post an entire blog entry without mentioning that Hull City are in the Premier League...oh bollocks, that's not going to happen, is it?