Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

25 May 2008

Play-off Final: Full In-Depth Match Report


On other pages:

I Quit: Following Mourinho's resignation immediately before Chelsea's FA cup tie with Hull, City claim the scalp of a second Blues boss as Avram Grant resigns rather than face the Tigers in 08/09.

Sky Falling: Murdoch shares slip following mass sports channel cancellations: viewers thought to be unhappy at prospect of images of Dean Windass being beamed into their homes next season.

United We Fail: Leeds face second term in League One (that's Division 3 for older readers) as Doncaster triumph 1-0 at the Theatre of Dreams...er, I mean Wembley Stadium. Chairman Bates threatens legal action to retrospectively enlarge goals and adjust score to Leeds 15 Doncaster 1.

24 May 2008

The Match: Special Report

Hello readers!

I'm going out for a while now;

I may be some time.


22 May 2008

Stadium Switch: fans protest

Wembley: like the KC only bigger

Fans of Championship Playoff rivals Hull City and Bristol City were today united in protest at the last minute decision by the Football League to switch the venue for Saturday's final from Wembley in North London to Twickenham Stadium in the leafy South-West of the capital.

"It is regrettable that we have had to make this last minute decision and I would like to apologise for the inconvenience to those travelling supporters, especially those who will be refused admittance owing to the smaller capacity at Twickenham," said league supremo Brian Mawhinney.

"But unfortunately we were left with no choice when it became apparent that the original venue was double booked with the Neasden and Dollis Hill Line Dancing Association's annual festival."

Twickenham: odd shaped balls

Rumours that the event was switched at the request of a local journalist were firmly quashed by Mr Mawhinney.

"It is ridiculous to suggest, as I have seen in some local papers, that this unfortunate last minute change in venue is for any reason other than that which I have already explained."

However speaking from the bar of the Rifleman public house in Twickenham, Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon issued the following statement:

"I only realised a couple of days ago that Wembley is bloody miles away from where I live. I mean it might take me as long as an hour or more to get there. Don't you think I've got better things to do with my time than stand on a tube train with a load of sweaty Northerners pointing and gawping at London's electric lighting and modern sanitary facilities?"

Mr Photon continued, "I just gave old Mawhinney a ring and reminded him about some rather unsavoury episodes from his past that he might prefer did not come to the attention of my colleagues on the national news desks, for example his membership of the Conservative party amongst other things, and bingo, it was sorted."

Mawhinney: dubious associates

Bristol City manager Gary Johnson was quick to express his unhappiness about the situation: "Now we've got to reprogramme the Satnav thingy and I've lost the instructions. Bother."

Meanwhile, in Twickenham itself local residents seemed unaware of the change in plans. "Ooh no, dearie, think you've got that wrong," one passer by told STR's on-the-spot reporter earlier today. "I think they only do pop concerts there nowadays. We've got that lovely REM lot coming up soon, and then of ourse there's the Ariels' comeback tour finishing up there as well."

Michael Stipe was unavailable for comment.

Next week: Bristol's day of glory: full report

Photon Predicts: The Championship Playoff Final

Stray Photon: expert

Spraying the Ray's legendary Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon finally delivers his eagerly awaited prediction on the result of this Saturday's Wembley Championship Playoff Final between Hull City and Bristol City:

"It'll be a disaster."

Next Week: Photon on England's prospects in Euro 08. Plus your FREE wall chart to plot the progress of Our Boys. Don't miss it!

20 May 2008

Windass to Score at Wembley: official

Windass: honoured

Veteran Hull City striker DEAN WINDASS, 61, is to be allowed to score the ceremonial Opening Goal of this Saturday's Championship Playoff Final at Wembley Stadium.

In a radical departure from tradition, opposing team Bristol City have agreed to the move to recognise "Deano"'s legendary status and long service to the sport.

"There was never any argument over the idea", said Robins manager Gary Johnson. "As soon as it was suggested all the lads agreed immediately. Most of us are just honoured to be able to tread the same turf as such a legend."

Football League chairman Brian Mawhinney explained further;

"We at the League feel that for too many years these end-of-season games have just been a frantic and somewhat undignified scramble to score more goals than the opposition."

"By nominating the goalscorers ahead of the game it will remove much of the tension and anxiety supporters currently experience watching a football match, as well as making it easier for them to plan their visits to the toilets, burger bar or other facilities."

Barmby: from Hull

Following Mr Windass's opening goal, the Tigers' tally will be supplemented by a scrambled toe poke from former England international Nick Barmby, 54.

Manchester United loanee Fraiser Campbell will complete the scoring for Hull with a quick brace just before half time.

However in the second half Bristol will complete an unlikely comeback following Windass' dismissal for a rash challenge on Lee Trundle, immediately followed by a red card for dissent for Hull keeper Boaz Myhill.

Full time score 4-4

After a tense goalless period of extra time, Bristol will then go on to win 4-1 on penalties.

Phil Brown: disappointed

Hull manager Phil Brown commented, "I was bitterly disappointed to learn that this is how the season will end for us but we will just have to build on what we've learnt and come back stronger next season and with a better script."

Speaking from his commentary position on the top floor of the Neasden Ikea car park, Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon commented, "Who the f**k writes this rubbish?"

Next week: The rumours persist: Brentford and Palace to merge for 08/09?


The weblog you are attempting to view is currently offline. This may be for one of the following reasons:

1: Failed connection to server

2: A network cable is unplugged

3: Any attempt at satire or surreal humour is currently redundant due to the following facts:

Boris Johnson has been elected Mayor of London;

Hull City are playing at Wembley this coming Saturday;

And Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon has managed to blag himself a ticket! *

Crikey, eh readers?

next week: We were Robbed! Full Match Report

*Actually, thanks are due to Mrs Photon for hanging on the phone/internet and landing one minutes before they sold out. And this is an artist's impression of the completed Wembley ticket: mine is considerably cheaper and apparently the seat is so far from the pitch that it's actually in Neasden.

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