Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

04 October 2007

Healthcare Reform: An Alternative Strategy

Photon: health guru

The government are giving serious consideration to a report from the unofficial Health expert Mr Stray Photon in which he outlines a radically different vision for the future of the NHS to that proposed yesterday by Lord Darzi.

The report was presented at a press conference today in which Mr Photon elaborated on his views.

"With all due respect," he said, "Lord Darzi is talking a load of bollocks. Healthcare policy in the UK is based on a fundamentally unsound premise and unless we adopt a radically different policy, billions of pounds of taxpayers money will continue to disappear into a bottomless pit at an ever increasing rate."

The report introduces a concept known as the Photon Principle, which describes the theory that public health deteriorates to accommodate the available healthcare, rather than the other way round, as had previously been thought.

"We should be looking at actively reducing heathcare provision, not increasing it." continued Photon. "Fewer hospitals, not more. Longer waiting lists, not shorter. As long as there's a spare bed available, there'll be some workshy fop throwing a sickie to try and get in it and bleed more NHS resources from the state."

Swinging the lead

"This money could be better spent on newer, flashier X-ray machines and scanners, which do more of the radiographers' work for them, freeing them up to spend more time writing blogs and googling for images of Billy Piper with hardly any clothes on...er, I mean maintaining their admirable committment to continuing professional development."

Investment in new equipment needed

"It's quite plain to those of us who already work in the industry. We need to stipulate a minimum wait before seeing your doctor rather than a maximum. For example, if your GP's surgery is not open then you can't see your doctor. therefore you are not officially ill. In the time before your GP is available you will probably get better. On the other hand if you are actually properly poorly, you will still be ill when the surgery is open and can then be treated accordingly."

The document proposes some immediate changes in working conditions for heathcare professionals, particularly in the speciality of radiology.

"Radiographers should be able to retire on full pay at the age of 49. In addition the working week can be reduced to 2 days with no significant effect on the nation's health. There would be a knock-on effect of a significant boost to local economies especially in the brewing and catering industries.

The report suggests that radiology staff may cause less disruption to healthcare provision by spending more time at home playing Doom 3 and doing voluntary quality assurance testing on local industry products such as those of the Crane Brewery, Twickenham.

Other radical proposals include all patients having their NHS number tattooed across their forehead as a barcode. This would reduce adverse clinical outcomes due to wrong identification of the patient, and would minimise the need for NHS workers to engage in conversation with The Public. Photon elaborates: "After all most of them are very unpleasant and many have Diseases, especially those in Hospitals."

Beep Beep!

Prime Minister Gordon Brown is understood to have shown a great interest in the controversial proposals and is planning to invite Mr Photon to present them to the Cabinet in the near future.

Hello Cabinet. These are my plans.

Next Week: Lord Photon turns his attention to the Transport sector. "No Trains; no pain." What is he on about?

03 October 2007

Hull vs London

Kingston upon Hull


Following one or two disappointing football results against London based teams beginning with C, Spraying the Rays attempts to find the definitive answer to the age old question, Hull or London; which is best? We assembled a jury of highly respected cultural commentators, sports pundits and video-gaming drunkards to assess some aspects of this vexing issue.

So lets look at the evidence, shall we?

Round 1: Football

26th September 2007: Hull City 0, Chelsea 4

After a shockingly cynical display of cheating (having better players, playing better football), overpaid pampered Premiership primadonnas Chelsea narrowly squeeze through to the next round of the widely discredited Carling Cup.

3 points to London

2nd October 2007: Hull City 1, Charlton Athletic 2

A frankly comical refereeing display gifts the Addicks 3 points in the increasingly Mickey Mouse-like Coca Cola Championship.

3 points to London

Football songs: Chart-topping Chelsea offer up a rocking version of "Blue is the Colour", while the Tigers counter with a soulful rendition of "Young, Amber and Black"

Hull 6 points, London nul points.

Total so far: too close to call with both cities neck and neck on 6 points each.

Round 2: Famous People

Who has made the most important contributions to our nations culture, sporting heritage and entertainment industry? Spraying the Rays' highly paid research team worked overtime to bring us the following:


Maureen Lipman

Ian Carmichael

Amy Johnson

Lene Lovitch

Roy North

Nick Barmby

Norman Collier

William Wilberforce

Stray Photon

Stray Photon's Dad


Charlie George

Jim Davidson

Brian Thingy out of East 17


A clear victory for the North here; Hull are awarded 3 points.

Round 3: Pop Groups

Needing desperatley to haul in Hull's advantage London offers;

East 17

The Pirhanas

Rolling Stones

A strong hand indeed, you may think. However Hull counter with:


Dead Fingers Talk

That Stuart bloke that played saxaphone with Sade

The Defectors

Hull reply with quantity against quality but wait...what's this? A note handed to the judges points out that the Pirhanas hail from Brighton and therefore are not eligible as a London band. London are therefore disqualified from this round, forfeiting all 4 points to Hull.

Total so far: Hull 13, London 6

Bonus round: Randomly selected LP title:

The Housemartins: London 0 Hull 4 (1992)

3 more points to Hull

With Hull now in a seemingly unassailable lead of 16 points against London's puny total of 6, what can the southern shandy-swillers pull out of the bag?

Final Round: Best looking Sports Personality

London play their joker, autmatically doubling their points as they present:

Jamie Redknapp

Hull counter somewhat hesitantly with...no, surely not...it's...

Dean Windass? Oh, bugger.

London wins the round with 4 points doubled up to 8. Hull meanwhile have 2 points deducted as a penalty for taking the piss. Which leaves the two opponents, incredibly on 14 points each.

It's a tie!

Or is it? Is there any way to seperate these protagonists? The judges are conferring...and yes I have been handed a note...

...and it says that 5 bonus points will be awarded on the basis of the result of the forthcoming fixture between Crystal Place and Hull City this Saturday, 6th October at Selhurst Park.

Blimey. Now they've got something to play for!

Next week: Bridges; who's got the biggest?

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