Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

26 April 2010

Bullard to flip burgers in KC shakeup

Bullard: relishing new challenge

from our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon;

In efforts to cut costs at cash strapped former Premier League football club Hull City, record signing Jimmy Bullard has been reassigned to the burger van at the KC stadium.

Chairman Adam Pearson explained: “Whilst Mr Bullard’s contract means we are obliged to honour the remaining 3 years at £45K per week, we can at least save the £6.5K annual salary of a current member of the catering staff. This also means that by keeping Jimmy out of the playing squad he will be ineligible for any win bonuses, in the unlikely event of us actually winning any games next season.”

Ousted burgerman Ernest Bull (67) said he was disappointed by the development but was prepared to step aside if it was in the best interests of the club he has supported since the age of 14. He spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays:

“In the old days player regularly helped out on the van. Chris Chilton used to rustle up a mean cheeseburger (easy on the onions), and Brian Marwood was a wizard on the hot dog stand. Raitch Carter tended to be a bit heavy on the mustard. Not sure about this new bloke though, he’ll need to wear a hairnet with all that girly hair, so he’ll look a right pranny.”

Late news: City cash boost as Bullard injured again

Hull City are set to claim a substantial amount on insurance as top earner Jimmy Bullard suffered the latest in a string of injuries. The floppy-haired midfielder is understood to have flicked hot fat into his eye during a training session for his new role at the club as burger van operative.

Bullard will be flown to the US for treatment by top sports surgeon Richard Steadman who has operated on his previous injuries, and he is expected to make a full recovery in a matter of hours. However because he sustained the injury as a result of refusing to wear the protective eyewear as provided by his employers, he is in breach of the Health and Safety at Work act (1974) and has been dismissed by the club, who are not liable to pay any compensation.

Adam Pearson commented, “Now that’s what I call a result.”

Late late news: In a further financial blow to Hull City, Pearson blames previous chairman Duffen as it transpires the playing squad was only insured for 3rd party fire and theft.

Next Week: Following the theft of record signing Jimmy Bullard from the KC Stadium, Hull City appeal for his safe return and issue the following description: “ Mr Bullard is black, approximately 6’ 5” tall with closely cropped hair, and he speaks with a strong Scottish accent. He may also show signs of having been recently on fire.”

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25 April 2010

I Had A Dream...

Hello readers!

I have just woken up from a wonderful dream…

I dreamed of a sunny Wembley Stadium and a wonder goal that took Hull City up into the Premiership…

I dreamed of local men Dean Windass and Nick Barmby plying their trade in Amber and Black for the Tigers

I dreamed of glorious victories at hallowed venues like White Hart Lane and Ashburton Grove

I dreamed of cynical pundits on "Match of the Day" eating their words as we rose to 4th place in the world’s greatest football league

But now I have woken. And reality dawns.

My club are in deep financial trouble.

The future is uncertain.

We have players who care more about paying their inflated pay-cheque into the bank than putting the ball in the goal or their boot into a tackle.

I look forward grim-faced to fixtures against Scunthorpe, Barnsley and maybe even L**ds United next season.

Bloody hell though, what a dream it was!

Next Week: With the Premiership experiment in tatters, the Back to Boothferry campaign gathers pace...

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