Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

22 July 2009

Player admits use of fake blood

Following the revelations that Rugby Union player Tom Williams of Harlequins used a theatrical blood capsule to feign injury and gain advantage in a Heineken Cup match last season, Spraying the Rays can reveal that fakery in sport is nothing new.

Former England football captain Terry Butcher confessed exclusively to our award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon:

Butcher: condiment malfunction

"When we played Sweden in '89 we didn't have nothing like these capsules that this fancy dan rugger chap used. We had to improvise in those days. I had a bottle of HP ketchup down my shorts. They was tight shorts as well, so a lot of the oppo thought I was getting a bit too keen in the penalty area, so to speak."

Butcher continued, "Anyway when the ref wasn't looking I decided to get them into a bit of bother. This was before the squeezy plastic bottles so I shook it and shook it and then suddenly it all come out at once. I have felt like I've been living a lie ever since and it's just a relief to get the truth out after all these years."

Butcher is not the only England soccer legend to use props to enhance his image. Paul Gascoigne's famous tears a year later in the Italia 90 World Cup semi-final were not, it transpires, entirely genuine. Gazza told us the truth over a pint or two of Twickenham Fine Ales' "Naked Ladies" bitter:

Gazza: big girl

"Why aye, man. The gaffer told us that we needed a bit of theatre to upset the Krauts, so he gave me an onion and said to stick it down me kegs. When I got booked like, out it comes and I blub like a bairn. The idea was to get the Germans to feel sorry for us and let us win, only it didn't work."

Spraying the Rays can also exclusively reveal that the breasts exhibited by Gascoigne on the England squad's open top bus after the tournament were also almost certainly fake.

Gazza: two up front

Runours have persisted about another gifted footballer from the North. Darlington assistant coach and former North Ferriby United player Dean Windass has revealed that for his entire playing career he wore a rubber face mask to strike fear into the heart of opposing defenders. Here's what he really looks like:

Windass: unmasked

Next Week: After a grilling from Stray Photon, David Beckham admits faking fractured metatarsal "for insurance purposes".

Vinny checks for onions

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04 July 2009

Owen to Manchester: shock decision

Owen: nuts

This week, in a decision which has baffled the footballing world, former England and 2nd division Newcastle United striker Michael Owen turned his back on an opportunity to return to top flight soccer with Premiership club Hull City, opting instead to end his career with Manchester United reserves.

What could be behind such a bizarre decision? Manchester United aren’t even the best team in Manchester any more, never mind the Premiership, says Spraying the Rays’ Bruce Protocol:

Owen's brain: what happened here?

Hello Readers!

Future or past? This was the stark choice facing Michael Owen this week. The faded glory of Old Trafford or the glittering promise of the KC Stadium? Today I use the latest hi-tech Imaging technology to examine the Mind of Michael to look at the factors which may have swayed him.

Ferguson: hairdryer

Could it have been the manager that turned Owen’s head? Ruddy faced Scotsman Alex Ferguson knows his football, but how does he compare with the curvaceous charms of former Moonbase commander Gabrielle “Keep it Tight at the back Boys!” Drake? Not too well I suggest. One nil to the Tigers, surely?

Drake: Carmen heated rollers

Former players: against the likes of legends such as Raitch Carter, Ken Wagstaff and Dean Windass, what does Manchester offer? Little known obscurities like Best, Charlton and Cantona? Let’s be serious here. It has to be Hull all the way.

Windass: problem family on the Street

What about the cities of Manchester and Hull? What has the grimy Lancashire town got to rival the engineering splendour of the majestic Humber Bridge or the breathtaking architecture of The Deep, Europe’s only submarium? Cadishead bridge? Mayfield Station you say? Nope. A dump, rather like the rest of the town.

Humber Bridge: gateway to Lincolnshire

Cadishead Bridge: not quite finished yet

Maybe the local culture of the respective locations have had something to do with it? Can Ed Banger and the Nosebleeds, Coronation Street and The Fall bear comparison with Maureen Lipman, Sir Tom Courtenay and Cool to Snog?

Is further comment really necessary?

Owen's choice: it's a Mr. Roy

Celebrity fans: the Reds are known for their many famous supporters, such as portly TV presenter Eamon Holmes, ginger gobshite Mick Hucknall and admittedly rather good actor James Nesbitt. But wait; step forward such high profile Tigers followers as award-winning blogger Stray Photon, TV legend Roy North, and , er Mrs Photon (when they’re not playing A**enal, that is) and you can see that yet again, all the pointers lead East along the M62 to Yorkshire.

Hucknall: on the mend

Footballing Honours: er, I though I said we wouldn’t do do this one?

Spraying the Rays Comment: Michael Owen’s injury plagued history is well documented. But come on Sir Alex: it’s clearly not his knees you need to scan before you sign him up: send him for a CT of his brain. He obviously needs his head examining.

Tennis news: Wimbledon finishes tomorrow at about half past five.

Next week: The Ariels reform to save Jacko's 50 date run of concerts at the O2 arena. "It's what Michael would have wanted", says Robert Swipe (62).

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