Hull City: Shock Appointment

The world of football was rocked by controversy today when it was announced that GABRIELLE DRAKE is to be appointed as Player Manager of Hull City, despite having no experience in management or coaching, and "not being that interested in football".

Ms Drake, 57, was awarded the job even thoughshe has not even been nominated in the election for manager being organised by the "Spraying the Rays" blogsite. Hull chairman Adam Parsnip was said to be furious.

"I'm furious", confirmed Mr Parsnip from his home this morning. "We entered into this election with STR in good faith, mainly because no-one wanted to touch the job even with a long pointy stick, and it seemed a good way of raising interest in the vacancy. But now we're lumbered with someone who, being a woman, does not even understand the off-side rule."

Spraying the Rays declined to comment on the situation, apart from to dissociate themselves from the above remark. However a source said to be within the organisation told us, "We're just as gobsmacked as everyone else. The vote wasn't even supposed to finish until tonight. But the word to give the gig to Gabby came right from the top. It's obvious she's not a football person, but apparently she doesn't have a job at the moment and for some reason the the boss wanted to give her one."

Drake: two up front?

The shadowy figure behind the Spraying the Rays website is a Mr Stray Photon whose whereabouts are currently unknown. Today's developments have fuelled speculation that Photon is the mysterious "money-man" backing Parsnip who has financed the clubs recent successful run. Photon went into hiding after evading arrest on suspicion of supplying Class A radio-isotopes, and has not been heard from since. However a garbled and indistinct message was received this afternoon by Jodrell Bank, the transcript of which went something like this:

"Look she's got the job OK? Beep. Bit more hot in here please Gabs! And why don't you bring another bottle before you get in? Beep. I mean how can she do any worse than the last joker? Beep. Anyway, no bugger was voting, so sod 'em. Beep. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some, er, business to attend to. Beep. This low gravity has made a new man of me. You can keep your Viagra. Beep."

Ms Drake's first game in charge of the Tigers will be at home to high-flying Cardiff next Saturday.

Stray Photon is 37. (millicuries)

Next Week: Rigged? Windass wins Sports Personality of the Year.