Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

29 November 2009

Latest version of OS "a dud"

Woodhows 5.1: rubbish

Today sees the arrival of the latest upgrade to Woodhows: version 5.1. However the newest version of this operating system has been heavily criticised by IT experts for being vastly inferior to previous releases.

Amongst criticisms of the software are:

Slow and unpredictable

Poor networking capabilities

Tends to hang up and stop working for no apparent reason

Places heavy demand on system resources such as processor speed, refrigerator space etc.

Makes poor use of system memory which has a tendency to fail at crucial moments

Unattractive user interface

Spraying the Rays’ IT correspondent Stray Photon. suggests users do not upgrade to WH5.1 but instead stick with earlier versions

“Just choose the Do Not Install option. They may be able to solve some of the problems with the forthcoming Service Pack 1 but frankly the whole package is out of date, poorly thought out, badly designed, and just doesn’t work.”

Next Week: Jimmy Bullard visits Lincolnshire without using the Humber Bridge.

15 November 2009

Rewind, Rewind <<

Hello Bloggees!

As a health care professional I have lost count of the times I have been asked, “Stray, now that we’ve had the Vinyl Revival, when is the Great Compact Cassette™ Comeback going to happen?”

Good question!

Haven't we all missed those Spinal tap Dobly references as we discuss our noise reduction preferences! Dolby B or C? Or even HX Pro!

And the romantic snap of the tape as it gets chewed up!

Those enigmatic drop outs as the music tantalisingly disappears…only to magically restart a second or two later!

Tape Hiss! Yeah baby!

The roadside spaghetti of Compact Cassette™ tape thrown out of passing cars as the owner finally tires of the kids’ “Mr Men” songs!

Well readers, the waiting is over! Look at this selection of top notch pop albums available in the Whitton branch of Our Price…er, I mean The Children’s Society Charity Shop!

And what a selection. Look at some of the quality recordings on sale:

Relive the 40’s with the classy swing sounds of Glenn Miller!

The Sweet Soul Sound of Eddie Floyd! Hmm, knock on my wood anytime, big boy! (© G. Slagg.)

Some long hair music from some bloke called Prokofiev. Used to go by the name of Amateurkofiev until he went full-time.

Rock’n'Roll Greats Vol 1: this was lent to me some years ago by Morton Shadow’s ex. Thank God he doesn’t read this blog anymore!

Best of Bowie: blank tape. Only joking, Zig! You know I’m your biggest fan! Especially the stuff you did with legendary Hull guitarist Nick Ronhurst!

Japan: Floppy hair’s back in fashion! Pity most of us haven’t got much of it left!

Tom Tom Club: so good they named him twice!

And many more!

So don’t delay! Rush down to your local branch of the Children’s Society Charity Shop today! (as long as you live near Whitton.) Stock is extremely limited, that is if they’ve bothered to put it out at all yet, wouldn’t surprise me if it just went straight in the bin, I mean that Cancer Research lot over the road weren’t even interested, just gave me a look as though I’d presented them with a bag full of Knave magazines…what do you mean I’m still on the air?

Safety Notice: Some examples of this medium should be teated with extreme caution. If you should come across the following artefact please DO NOT handle it. Phone your local police station who will arrange the recovery of the item and transportation to a safe disposal site.

Next Week: Gordon Brown and New Labour: were they responsible for the last Ice Age? Spraying the Rays investigates.

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14 November 2009

Strictly Come Dancing News: Latest

Tuffers is out!

Well, it's not the first time, is it?

Next week: Dancing Queen of the Jungle, Camilla Dallerup, talks exclusively to Spraying the Rays! Aye Caramba!

12 November 2009

Brown defends Jungle jaunt

Brown: it's not you...yet

Hull City manager Phil Brown today faced down criticism of his decison to appear on ITV's prime time hit "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"

With the Tigers facing a battle to survive their second season in the Premier League, fans were astonished to see Mr Brown's name in the list of contestants for the latest series.

Speaking exclusively to Spraying the Rays, Brown said couldn't see a problem.

"These opportunities don't come round that often, and the gaffer told me I deserved a break, so why not? He said the club could look after itself for a week or two, and what with the gap in fixtures for internationals at the moment it seemed a good time to do it."

It is thought that his experience in dealing with wild animals (Jimmy Bullard) and dangerous environments (Anlaby Road on a Saturday night) will have prepared Brown well for the tasks facing him in the Australian jungle.

A spokesman for "I'm A Celebrity" told Spraying the Rays; "Yes we were somewhat surprised he said yes. When it was first suggested a week or two ago it looked as though he might might have a bit of time on his hands coming up."

It was also revealed that Brown was not first choice for the show; "To be honest, we had really wanted Steve McClaren but he told us he had "something big" coming up and needed to learn to speak English again, so he couldn't do it."

Next week: Spraying the Rays' tip to win "Celebrity" this year? Camilla "Dancing Queen" Dallerup. Where's that speed dialler?

Camilla: hot and steamy in the jungle. (go and lie down, Photon...Ed)

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01 November 2009

Storm clouds gather as Brown faces his darkest hour

Brown, G

With his ratings plummetting in all opinion polls, and facing a resurgent Conservative party under the dynamic leadership of Old Etonian toff David Campervan, things look grim for working class hero and Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown,

But enough of all that bollocks.

The real leadership crisis of the age is at beleagured football club Hull City. Seemingly anchored in the relegation zone of the English Premier League and with only two wins to boast of in the last God knows how long, the football world is holding its breath waiting for the next top flight managerial sacking. At one point last week bookmakers stopped taking bets on Brown getting the push, especially when his staunchest supporter and personal friend, club chairman Paul Duffen resigned.

To make matters worse, former City chairman Adam Pearson returns having last week resigned form the corresponding post at Derby County, and Pearson has previously shown himself to be ruthless in dispensing with underperforming managers such as Jan Molby and Phil Parkinson.

Brown, P

For the record, Spraying the Rays believes that Phil Brown should be given at least until Christmas to Save the Tigers, bearing in mind his achievements at the club over the last two seasons.

However, following Pearson's vote of confidence in Brown today, his days in charge at the KC Stadium seem numbered. So it's time for our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon to looks at the possible contenders jockeying for position to preserve the club's Premiership status:

Keegan, Kevin

Scunthorpe born former Newcastle gaffer: despite his inspirational haircuts, his attacking style might not suit the dour Northern type supporters at Hull City.

Stop Press: Keegan announces his resignation from the race to be new Hull boss: see late editions for full story.

Taylor, Peter

Having steered the club to back to back promotions from League 2 to the Championship under Adam Pearson's previous stint as Chairman, Taylor at least knows the way to the stadium and his famous Norman Wisdom impressions would be sure to raise morale during the dark January of the soul. However if he's not good enough for Crystal Palace...

Windsor, Barbara

Following her decision to stand down from running the Queen Vic in Walford, the busty East Ender should be well versed in keeping control of an unruly mob such as the Hull City squad. (Yes, Bullard, I'm looking at you.) It would also enable Stray Photon to run out the “Two up Front” gag ad nauseum.

Blair, Anthony Charles Lynton (Labour)

Proven leadership qualitise, and Blair might well be tempted by the boss's seat at the KC rather than the Presidency of the European Union. There is some concern however that he might be tempted to deploy troops into West Yorkshire to search for Weapons of Mass Obstruction in the increasingly likely event of Hull City and Leeds United being in the same division next season.

Slade, Russell

Sacked today from League 1 Brighton, he lacks experience of coaching at the top level. However the fact he shares a name with that of a 70's glam rock band makes him a top contender, along with Brentford's "Kenny" Sansom and former Tranmere coach Dave "The" Rubettes.

Windass, Dean

Having recently ended his playing days at Oldham to concentrate on his coaching career, a return to his hometown club would seal "Deano's" status as a local legend, especially if he managed to save the team from the drop to the Championship. Readership of STR expected to fall by 50% in the event of his appointment.

[image deleted for reasons of national security]

Photon, Stray

The obvious choice. However his numerous other committments such as driving for the Ferrari F1 team, judging in Strictly Come Dancing and playing guitar for Oasis, may mean he would not be able to commit fully to the position.

McClaren, Steve

Ginger get. Former midfielder at the club: like Taylor knows his way to the ground but would probably end up at Boothferry Park rather than the KC Stadium. His Dutch accent might cause communication problems with the English members of the squad. Expect him to be in charge by Thursday.

Other candidates may yet be waiting in the wings to throw their hats into the ring, so make sure you visit Spraying the Rays frequently for the latest updates!

Next Week: Spraying the Rays reviews the new Channel 5 drama series "Flash Forward". But then you've probably already read it, haven't you?

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