Health News: Surgical Review

Surgeons: "is it supposed to look like that?"

Health correspondent Spray Farton writes;

Surgeons in the UK have been asked not to follow the example of their US counterparts by wearing only a single surgical glove during sterile procedures as a tribute to the late Michael Jackson.

Guidelines issued today by the Royal College of Surgeons make it clear that this technique is to be discouraged. College President Professor Ivor Cutter spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays:

"We don't want to deny fans of Mr Jackson the opportunity to acknowledge his contribution to popular culture. But by only wearing one glove operators are obviously compromising the principle of aseptic technique which is vital if we are to contain the spread of potentially deadly hospital infections such as MRSA, VRE, C-diff, QPRFC etc.

He continued, "So we are asking clinicians to only use the one-glove technique if they can carry out the procedure one-handed, which frankly is just showing off anyway, and the College has laboured for some years now to counter the unfortunate image of surgeons as a group of arrogant gits who think they know it all."

In the US however surgeons have vowed to carry on with the controversial practice. "Those goddamn Limeys can do what the hell they want," said one contributor to StitchThis.com, a popular surgical website, " but here in the States we owe a hell of a debt to Michael; let's face it, he's kept a lot of us in work over the past 30 years."

In other news: Following the success of the latest Star Trek offering, Spraying the Rays can reveal that self styled Pop Princess Lily Allen has auditioned for the part of Lt Gay Ellis in the upcoming Hollywood movie version of Gerry Anderson's cult 70's TV series UFO:

Allen: hits out at Glastonbury

The part was played originally by part-time Hull City manger Gabrielle Drake who was unavailable for the film version due to her committment to UK soap series Coronation Street, as well as keeping the the East Yorkshire club in the Premier League last season.

Drake: two up front

Next week: Spraying the Rays investigates reports that a "significant quantity" of the radio-isotope Polonium 210 was detected at the Jackson post-mortem, and that the deadly substance has been tracked to "a known UK source."

Breaking News: King of Pop "not dead"

Our Pop Music correspondent Bruce Protocol writes:

Speaking this morning from his Wood Green mansion (12 Chipping Norton Avenue), Wreckless Eric (62) denied press reports of his recent death.

The author of such international monster hits as "Whole Wide World" and er...er... told Spraying the Rays," I don't know what all the fuss is about. I hurt my back a bit last weekend doing the begonias, but apart from that I'm fine, thanks."


More to follow.

Strictly Come Dancing: Phillips Out, Photon In?

Phillips: out?

From Bruce Protocol, Our Man in the Lurex Spangled Top Slit to the Waist:

Following the revelation that Arlene Phillips is to be dropped from the judging panel of the BBC's Saturday night hit Strictly Come Dancing, speculation abounds as to who will replace the 66 year old choreographer and former Hot Gossip dancer.

It is thought that the Beeb want to introduce a bit more glamour to the show in response to arch-rival ITV's success with Britain's Got Talent and X-Factor.

Hot favourite to replace Ms Phillips is former blogger and Spraying the Rays Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon.

Mr Photon (32) is expected to step down from his position at the award winning blog following adverse publicity over an expenses scandal which has recently come to light.

The ruggedly handsome Yorkshireman has long expressed an interest in working more closely with dancers such as Camilla Dallerup, Ola Jordan and Kristina Rihanoff, not to mention Anton Du Beke.

Daller: up?

Other candidates for the position include Susan Boyle, Hazel Blears and Kevin Keegan.

Spraying the Rays asked chief judge and former Crystal Palace full back Len Goodman for his thoughts. He said rather noisily, "Seven!"

Goodman: loud speaker

In other news: raise a glass please to Bob Bogle, lead guitarist of The Ventures, who died on Sunday aged 75.

Walk, Don't Run...

Next week: Peanut Buttered Babes: that link in full.

Fixtures Shocker: Blues Boss to Resign?

Ancelotti: that's your lot-ti

Our man on the red carpet, Bruce Protocol reports:

Speculation raged as to the future of Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti when it was revealed that he faces a baptism of fire in his opening Premier League match against Hull City on August 15th, as the fixtures for the 2009-2010 season were published earlier today.

The charismatic Italian is now the West London club's longest serving manager for some years, having taken up the position as long ago as June 2009, but looks set to follow predecessors such as Jose Mourinho, Avram Grant and "Big" Phil Scolari who all resigned or were sacked immediately before or after facing the Tigers.

Ancelotti, under whom Chelsea are so far unbeaten, was today refusing to comment on his future. However sources close to the club (a man at the Kishmish restaurant on Fulham Road, SW6), told Spraying the Rays of their disappointment:

"It's a jolly shame, just when things were looking up for us, " said Tarquin, 29, as he tucked into a rather tasty looking Chicken Chat, "but he's got to go. Chelsea need a big name manager to bring the good times back to the Bridge."

Bookmakers have installed cheeky Cockney wide boy Dennis Wise as hot favourite to replace Ancelotti, with Alan Shearer, formerly of second division Newcastle United, being touted as his assistant.

Other names in the frame include Neil Warnock (11/2), Gabrielle Drake (20/1) and Kevin Keegan (evens).

Cricket News:

The cricket season ends on 27th September 2009.

Next week: award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon denies misusing Spraying the Rays' expense account: "I have done nothing wrong and in any case I have paid back the £4.75 nightly subscription fee to "Peanut Buttered Babes" cable TV channel which I have never heard of anyway and it was Bob Swipe's fault: he made me watch it."

The case continues.

Drake to sue ITV

from our Beer and Showbusiness correspondent Stray Photon:

"Gabs" outlines her complaints at today's press conference.

Following her brief but triumphant appearance in ITV's "Coronation Street", glamorous actress and part-time Hull City manager Gabrielle Drake is contemplating legal action against Granada TV, makers of the long running soap opera, over what she has called a "monumental cock-up" in the make up department.

...and as she appears on the "Street"

"It's outrageous. Somehow they managed to make me look about 59," said Ms Drake (69).


The former Moonbase commander continued;


"My fans are distraught, and I have been inundated by a letter of complaint from a Mr S. Photon of Twickenham, Middlesex, about my hair having been dyed a strange unearthly "Dark Chestnut Brown" colour."



Meanwhile at the KC Stadium, as plans are made to strengthen the Tigers' squad for a second season in the Premier League, the club's nailbiting last gasp escape from relegation has been linked to a sudden increase in profits from merchandising at the club's online shop:

The Hat is Back!

And Spraying the Rays would like to be the 413,359th to congratulate Brentford Athletic FC on their promotion as Champions of something called Football League Two. Already sitting pretty on top of Football League One, the club looks set to achieve back to back promotions into the Championship, a feat last achieved by, er, Hull City. COME ON YOU BEES!






Next Week: part one of a new drama series: Mr. Windass Goes to Darlington. Our hero Deano gets on the wrong train at York, ending up at Selhurst Park instead of the Northern Echo Arena, and much hilarity ensues...