END OF HULL'S EUROPEAN DREAM

Hull's European dream ended last night when the popular entertainer woke up from his reverie about Paris, France, and all that.

Did you know they have a different word for everything over there?

(apparently it's tout)

Next week: Morecambe see opportunity on Continental tour.

(Note: This is a very old post)

Guitar Abuse: BREAKING NEWS

There has been a surprise development in the Stray Photon Guitar abuse case. The guitar, a 1978 Fender Telecaster, was taken into care yesterday following allegations of neglect and guitar abuse. Today a statement has been released on behalf of the victim which appears to absolve Mr Photon of blame for the situation. The statement, released from a safe house somewhere in the Home Counties reads as follows:

A guitar talks

"Whilst I in no way seek to downplay the shocking crime of guitar abuse, I am shocked at the vitriol and hatred being expressed in some quarters towards Mr Photon, and believe it to be entirely inappropriate. I cannot deny the psychological damage I have suffered as a result of his actions. However it is my opinion that at no time did he intend to harm me and acted only out of stupidity and ignorance. I bear no malice towards him and would like to express my hope that there is no lynch mob mentality if and when Mr Photon is returned to nomal society. I would also like to take this opportunity to express my appreciation for the messages of goodwill which have come in and say that these have been a source of great comfort in this difficult time."

The Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage exhibits loyalty to the hostage-taker, in spite of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered snare syndrome, amplifier abuse cases, and keyboard kidnapping.

Slogans have been daubed on the front of the Photon residence in leafy suburban Twickenham, including "Guitar Perverts Out" and "Windass for England". Meanwhile amidst revelations of previous offences of a similar nature by Photon, residents of Twickenham have expressed shock at the fact that an offender with such a record was living in their midst. A close neighbour who prefered not to be named (Robert Swipe) told us, "Well it's shocking, innit? I mean those of us with guitars of our own had no idea this lunatic was on the prowl. I blame all these do-gooder bleeding heart Commie pinko liberal bedwetters. It's political correctness gone mad. It's that Blair's fault. Have you heard Bobcast #442?"

Istvanski in happer times

Guitar afficianados from further afield have also been severely trumatised by reports of events in Twickenham. A Mr Istvanski of Croydon, near Brighton told this blog, "Makes you think doesn't it? I certainly won't be taking any of my instruments down to the park until this maniac is behind bars. "

Under new legislation rushed though Parliament this lunchtime in response to the tabloid outcry over this appalling crime, we can now reveal that previous victims of Mr Photon include:

a 1981 Ibanez Blazer with severe belt buckle marking

a Gibson SG which had a Bigsby tremolo unit removed without anaesthetic by a drummer, and also featured on the 1980 top ten monster hit (in Syd Scarborough's Hull record shop local chart) "Target Baby" by the Defectors;

a Hayman White Cloud which sure looked purtty but wasn't actually much good;

and a Shergold Meteor that had to undergo treatment for acute Dimarzio's syndrome.

The case continues.


Tomorrow's front pages:
Daily Mirror: Sick guitar pervert behind bars.
Independent: World to end this afternoon...official.
Daily Star: Cor! Look at the tuning pegs on that!


Mr Howesey is 47. At least.

Next week: Butternut Squash and Sausage Bake. Mmmm! It's tasty!

Crime News

In a dramatic turn of events, a Mr Stray Photon of Twickenham, Middlesex was last night arrested on charges of impersonating a musician. This followed evidence which came to light at a Pop Concert or "Gig", earlier in the evening featuring a Mr Albert Lee at the 100 Club, Oxford Street. Mr Photon was in attendance at the event and following the performance where it became apparent that a major deception had taken place, Mr Photon was overcome with guilt and was said by onlookers to be in a state of some distress, muttering to himself phrases such as "Bastard" and "How the f*** ((c) R. Swipe 2004) does he do that?" Later that evening Mr Photon handed himself in at his local police station in an emotional state, stating "It's a fair cop guv, but society's to blame."

It has subsequently transpired that Mr Photon has been carrying on this
deception for as long as 30 years.

In a related development a guitar was taken into custody by care workers early this morning. According to a source close to the investigation, a 1978 Fender Telecaster serial number Sxx23567 asnswering to the name of Gloria, was discovered in a hidden compartment at the home of Mr Photon, known as a "case". The intrument was apparently showing tell-tale signs of neglect and abuse, having been apparently played repeatedly while having been forcibly connected to a "digital" modelling amplifier.

There was allegedly evidence of dust on the fretboard and between the pickups. Neighbours of Mr Photon were asked to comment but declined to interrupt the street party which was in full swing. Earlier reports that at numerous occasions in the past the guitar has undergone ritual humiliations in public by being "played" by Mr Photon remain unsubstantiated but police are seeking witnesses to any such events to help in the investigation.

Mr Photon was later released on police bail. His lawyer released the following statement:

"I ain't proud of what I done. I know it was wrong. But it just came to me at that Albert Lee gig, like a blinding flash it was. I ain't no musician. I mean even though his surname don't rhyme with Johnson (Wilko), Thompson (Richard) or Ronson (Mick) I thought to myself, this geezer can play. This is how it's done. I can't go on living a lie. And to be straight with you, it's kind of a
relief now that it's all over. I'll do my time. And maybe while I'm inside I can even learn a fourth chord. I know I've caused a lot of distress and grief like, not only to Gloria but to all them what's heard me play over the years. I just want to say to them all, sorry for being such a ***t." (c) R Swipe 2002

Friends of Mr Photon were unsurpised by these revelations. A Mr Bobster Swipey of Los Angeles CA said "He's had it coming for a long time. String 'im up and throw away the key It's the only language they understand. Have you heard Bobcast 301?" while a Mr Howesie spoke to us from Richmond...sorry North Sheen...er Mortlake;" Can I have the guitar? oh no hang on on, it's a rosewood neck...too manly a guitar for me..."

A Mr Basher of Basra stated "Whatever happened to Charlie George?"

The guitar was unavailable for comment.

Bob Swipe is 65.

Next week: G#m6

More Crap Toys

WARNING: this document contains images that some readers may find disturbing.I am A Radiographer. I am also A Bloke. I am supposed to be able to Do Things around the House. This is gender stereotyping of the worst type and, Siblings, it is time to Stand Up and Fight for the Right to be Crap at DIY.

And it's not a genetic thing either. My Grandpa was actually quite good at DIY. But even he had his limits. When there was a particular job that Grandma (who turned out not to be my grandma at all but that's another story) wanted done to a particular standard, she would say to her husband, "Oh no. We'll get a proper man in to do this." What a good idea. A proper man.

Would I expect a joiner, or a plasterer, or a decorator to come in to my Nuclear Medicine department and say, "thought I'd have a bit of a go at this myself, mate if that's alright. Now where's Radionuclide Myocardial Perfusion Imaging in the Reader's Digest NM manual? How difficult can it be?"

(actually, just between you and me, reader...not too tricky at all. But that's our secret, OK?)

Well the Home Improvements choice is simple. You can have Me do it, yes Me, who has been decorating the hall and landing since last October. That's October 2005. I will lose my temper at regular intervals, upset the partner, frighten the neighbours and teach the kids lots of new swear words with which to entertain their friends in the playground next Monday morning.

There will be serial carbon-negative trips to the living Hell that is Homebase at the weekend to buy tools, more tools, and then some more tools to put right the cockups; more paint because I got the wrong stuff before, eventually I break down and confess "I can't do it", but somehow botch it in the end having spent several weekends doing A Crap Job

Or you can have Someone who Knows What They Are Doing to do it in about half an hour. And they will have done a Proper Job.

Because they are Proper Men you see.

Even the women.

Give me a proper man any day.

And my partner would agree.

These toys are rubbish, no fun at all. STR rating 0/10 the lot.

Next week: Nigel Molesworth

Hard Day's Blog

The author relaxes after a hard day at the Blog factory with a well earned pint of Twickenham Fine Ale.

The Only Ones

Blimey, what a band. I saw them at Hull University in 1977 and it was one of those gigs that is burned on to my mental hard drive with a setting of "permanent". I was particularly impressed with the way that the guitarist, John Perry, never had to look down at his guitar while he played, even when he was playing not only all the right notes, but in the right order too. He just stared out the audience and sneered at us. I went home afterwards and practiced that...a lot.

Now don't get the wrong impression...I wasn't a student; I was one of those local oiks who had to blag their way in to the Union every time they got a decent band on who otherwise wouldn't play anywhere closer than Doncaster. But once we mastered the skills of talking in poncey upper class Cockerney accents and drinking lager shandy no-one suspected us for a minute. Oh no. University of Life, me.

But "Another Girl, Another Planet"? As they played it I distinctly remember thinking to myself, yeah, not a bad song, but wouldn't it be better as the background music in an advert for a mobile phone network in about thirty years time?

Such vision in one so young (42).

Next week: how I predicted the threat of Global Warming back in 1945. (5A1 Geography)

Half Life

Another of my favourite toys:

Half Life

Well, I am A Radiographer. And I work in Nuclear Medicine. So a computer game named after a property of radioactive isotopes which featured Mad Scientists doing what they didn't oughta and getting into trouble is always going to push my buttons, eh?

So. Half-Life. The best ever computer game? There's your Doom, and your Duke Nukem, and your Quakes. But it was Half Life that came up with the dangerous notion of an intelligent plot and interaction with other characters apart from blowing them up or shooting them in the head.

Half life was genuinely scary in a very Quatermass/Dr Who sort of way, and it had a twist in the plot half way through that really did take your breath away. It spawned two sequels which showed the same events from different perspectives, Opposing Force and Blue Shift, and although they didn't have the same impact as HL, were still worth a few quid of my beer money. Last year Half Life 2 arrived, and although graphically superior and a fine game, it simply wasn't as good as its predecessor. And why did they have to go and introduce a female companion and a robotic dog? Did K-9 teach us nothing?

If you haven't played the original...how I envy you. Not knowing what happens next, or what's round the next corner...Maybe you're too grown up for video games, or maybe you've got better things to do with your time. Very sensible. But as this game is nearly 8 years old you can pick it up as an "Anthology" edition which includes both Opposing Force and Blue Shift for about a tenner. A snip.

But then again...maybe I should get a Whole Life.

Next week: the Sinclair Spectrum

Transfer Deadline Day: A Lament

Bugger.

Big

Ben

Burgess:

Blackpool.





Boo hoo.

No.6

Answers to Quiz no 6: Classic Spoilers

Stray Photon Enterprises accepts no responsibility or liability for loss of dramatic tension or general enjoyment as a result of this service. If you do not wish to know the results, look away now.

Stray Photon Enterprises does not guarantee the accuracy of the following information:

1. Cheslea
2. She's a man
3. He's a woman
4. He's his father
5. She's a Woman
6. Bart did it
7. Only just
8. Cosmo
9. Pagan
10. Shimmy Shimmy

Next week: the Toy Parachute