Crime News

In a dramatic turn of events, a Mr Stray Photon of Twickenham, Middlesex was last night arrested on charges of impersonating a musician. This followed evidence which came to light at a Pop Concert or "Gig", earlier in the evening featuring a Mr Albert Lee at the 100 Club, Oxford Street. Mr Photon was in attendance at the event and following the performance where it became apparent that a major deception had taken place, Mr Photon was overcome with guilt and was said by onlookers to be in a state of some distress, muttering to himself phrases such as "Bastard" and "How the f*** ((c) R. Swipe 2004) does he do that?" Later that evening Mr Photon handed himself in at his local police station in an emotional state, stating "It's a fair cop guv, but society's to blame."

It has subsequently transpired that Mr Photon has been carrying on this
deception for as long as 30 years.

In a related development a guitar was taken into custody by care workers early this morning. According to a source close to the investigation, a 1978 Fender Telecaster serial number Sxx23567 asnswering to the name of Gloria, was discovered in a hidden compartment at the home of Mr Photon, known as a "case". The intrument was apparently showing tell-tale signs of neglect and abuse, having been apparently played repeatedly while having been forcibly connected to a "digital" modelling amplifier.

There was allegedly evidence of dust on the fretboard and between the pickups. Neighbours of Mr Photon were asked to comment but declined to interrupt the street party which was in full swing. Earlier reports that at numerous occasions in the past the guitar has undergone ritual humiliations in public by being "played" by Mr Photon remain unsubstantiated but police are seeking witnesses to any such events to help in the investigation.

Mr Photon was later released on police bail. His lawyer released the following statement:

"I ain't proud of what I done. I know it was wrong. But it just came to me at that Albert Lee gig, like a blinding flash it was. I ain't no musician. I mean even though his surname don't rhyme with Johnson (Wilko), Thompson (Richard) or Ronson (Mick) I thought to myself, this geezer can play. This is how it's done. I can't go on living a lie. And to be straight with you, it's kind of a
relief now that it's all over. I'll do my time. And maybe while I'm inside I can even learn a fourth chord. I know I've caused a lot of distress and grief like, not only to Gloria but to all them what's heard me play over the years. I just want to say to them all, sorry for being such a ***t." (c) R Swipe 2002

Friends of Mr Photon were unsurpised by these revelations. A Mr Bobster Swipey of Los Angeles CA said "He's had it coming for a long time. String 'im up and throw away the key It's the only language they understand. Have you heard Bobcast 301?" while a Mr Howesie spoke to us from Richmond...sorry North Sheen...er Mortlake;" Can I have the guitar? oh no hang on on, it's a rosewood neck...too manly a guitar for me..."

A Mr Basher of Basra stated "Whatever happened to Charlie George?"

The guitar was unavailable for comment.

Bob Swipe is 65.

Next week: G#m6