Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

24 September 2006


There has been a surprise development in the Stray Photon Guitar abuse case. The guitar, a 1978 Fender Telecaster, was taken into care yesterday following allegations of neglect and guitar abuse. Today a statement has been released on behalf of the victim which appears to absolve Mr Photon of blame for the situation. The statement, released from a safe house somewhere in the Home Counties reads as follows:

A guitar talks

"Whilst I in no way seek to downplay the shocking crime of guitar abuse, I am shocked at the vitriol and hatred being expressed in some quarters towards Mr Photon, and believe it to be entirely inappropriate. I cannot deny the psychological damage I have suffered as a result of his actions. However it is my opinion that at no time did he intend to harm me and acted only out of stupidity and ignorance. I bear no malice towards him and would like to express my hope that there is no lynch mob mentality if and when Mr Photon is returned to nomal society. I would also like to take this opportunity to express my appreciation for the messages of goodwill which have come in and say that these have been a source of great comfort in this difficult time."

The Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage exhibits loyalty to the hostage-taker, in spite of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered snare syndrome, amplifier abuse cases, and keyboard kidnapping.

Slogans have been daubed on the front of the Photon residence in leafy suburban Twickenham, including "Guitar Perverts Out" and "Windass for England". Meanwhile amidst revelations of previous offences of a similar nature by Photon, residents of Twickenham have expressed shock at the fact that an offender with such a record was living in their midst. A close neighbour who prefered not to be named (Robert Swipe) told us, "Well it's shocking, innit? I mean those of us with guitars of our own had no idea this lunatic was on the prowl. I blame all these do-gooder bleeding heart Commie pinko liberal bedwetters. It's political correctness gone mad. It's that Blair's fault. Have you heard Bobcast #442?"

Istvanski in happer times

Guitar afficianados from further afield have also been severely trumatised by reports of events in Twickenham. A Mr Istvanski of Croydon, near Brighton told this blog, "Makes you think doesn't it? I certainly won't be taking any of my instruments down to the park until this maniac is behind bars. "

Under new legislation rushed though Parliament this lunchtime in response to the tabloid outcry over this appalling crime, we can now reveal that previous victims of Mr Photon include:

a 1981 Ibanez Blazer with severe belt buckle marking

a Gibson SG which had a Bigsby tremolo unit removed without anaesthetic by a drummer, and also featured on the 1980 top ten monster hit (in Syd Scarborough's Hull record shop local chart) "Target Baby" by the Defectors;

a Hayman White Cloud which sure looked purtty but wasn't actually much good;

and a Shergold Meteor that had to undergo treatment for acute Dimarzio's syndrome.

The case continues.

Tomorrow's front pages:
Daily Mirror: Sick guitar pervert behind bars.
Independent: World to end this afternoon...official.
Daily Star: Cor! Look at the tuning pegs on that!

Mr Howesey is 47. At least.

Next week: Butternut Squash and Sausage Bake. Mmmm! It's tasty!


At 6:36 pm, September 24, 2006, Blogger Howesy said...

Well you've done it now. 47! I'm just on the phone to my MP to get him to throw the key away!

I've noticed a discrepancy mister Photon sir, that first guitar couldn't have talked. Not with a maple neck.

Dug out the Defectors t'other day. Superior riffing sir.

At 8:57 pm, September 24, 2006, Blogger Stray Photon said...

Why sir you are too kind. Thank you.

All of the guitars pictured are for illutrative purposes only and are not related to the blogger or aany other persons living or dead.

As you will have noticed 4 of the 5 guitars featured are indeed afflicted with maple neck-itis which rather weakens theories which may have been postulated in earlier blogs.


At 9:31 pm, September 24, 2006, Anonymous I-pimp-for-Hobbits said...

Spraying the Rays...you are far too hard on yourself and I know that once society (I will be arresting them too sir!)muses on the following philosophically, they will forgive your peccadillos (like an armadillo but with a beak)and realise that you are a victim of societies misplaced expectations. The plain fact is, no matter how good you are at something, there will always be someone better/different. For example R. Charlton was a great player of the round ball game, but you would not arrest him for abusing balls just because, say, Maradona would be seen as a more proficient player of the game. As Lady Catherine de Burgh says in 'Pride and Prejudice'..'..and had I learned to play [the piano] I would have been a true proficient'. Wise words.

At 9:48 am, September 25, 2006, Blogger Robert A. Swipe said...

"...and also featured on the 1980 top ten monster hit (in Syd Scarborough's Hull record shop local chart) "Target Baby" by the Defectors;"

Where might one be able to obtain a copy of this seminal piece of Northern pot-punk whimsy, kind sir?

At 10:59 am, September 25, 2006, Blogger Howesy said...

300 quid on e-bay or you could borrow mine.

At 4:50 pm, September 25, 2006, Blogger Stray Photon said...

I am afraid that these rare and highly collectable mementoes of a bygone age are strictly non-tranferable. Mr Swipe will need to pay the full price. (37p)

At 9:20 am, September 26, 2006, Blogger Istvanski said...

Don't worry Stray. If they look you up for 'caster abuse, then you may find yerself sharing cell space wiv Keef. I've seen the evidence on VHS.

Oh, that picture of me...wearing that god-awful sweater...it's soooo last season.

At 12:37 pm, September 26, 2006, Blogger Robert A. Swipe said...

"Mr Swipe will need to pay the full price. (37p)"

....that's per *box*, right?

Put me down for 6 - we're low on doorstops right now - and I suppose they'll come in handy for pleccies in the winter.....

At 5:59 pm, September 29, 2006, Anonymous I-pimp-for-Hobbits said...

There was a philosopher named, I believe, Liebnitz, who postulated that there are an infinite number of universes in which scheme all possibilities are realised. Therefore, in one universe, 'Target Baby', has been the greatest single ever released and has spawned a whole rock movement and led to world peace, with Spray as most beloved Guru. However there is another universe where, sadly, Spray is indeed sharing a cell due to castor abuse with a man who has found a novel use for a copy of 'Target Baby'....ouch!

At 3:03 am, September 30, 2006, Anonymous I-pimp-for-Hobbits said...

Before any pedants write in I did not mean, of course, that one universe was actually named 'Target Baby', although in Liebnitz's scheme one would be. And castor should have been caster...damn these errant digits and dodgy spelling and grammar


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