Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

22 July 2009

Player admits use of fake blood

Following the revelations that Rugby Union player Tom Williams of Harlequins used a theatrical blood capsule to feign injury and gain advantage in a Heineken Cup match last season, Spraying the Rays can reveal that fakery in sport is nothing new.

Former England football captain Terry Butcher confessed exclusively to our award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon:

Butcher: condiment malfunction

"When we played Sweden in '89 we didn't have nothing like these capsules that this fancy dan rugger chap used. We had to improvise in those days. I had a bottle of HP ketchup down my shorts. They was tight shorts as well, so a lot of the oppo thought I was getting a bit too keen in the penalty area, so to speak."

Butcher continued, "Anyway when the ref wasn't looking I decided to get them into a bit of bother. This was before the squeezy plastic bottles so I shook it and shook it and then suddenly it all come out at once. I have felt like I've been living a lie ever since and it's just a relief to get the truth out after all these years."

Butcher is not the only England soccer legend to use props to enhance his image. Paul Gascoigne's famous tears a year later in the Italia 90 World Cup semi-final were not, it transpires, entirely genuine. Gazza told us the truth over a pint or two of Twickenham Fine Ales' "Naked Ladies" bitter:

Gazza: big girl

"Why aye, man. The gaffer told us that we needed a bit of theatre to upset the Krauts, so he gave me an onion and said to stick it down me kegs. When I got booked like, out it comes and I blub like a bairn. The idea was to get the Germans to feel sorry for us and let us win, only it didn't work."

Spraying the Rays can also exclusively reveal that the breasts exhibited by Gascoigne on the England squad's open top bus after the tournament were also almost certainly fake.

Gazza: two up front

Runours have persisted about another gifted footballer from the North. Darlington assistant coach and former North Ferriby United player Dean Windass has revealed that for his entire playing career he wore a rubber face mask to strike fear into the heart of opposing defenders. Here's what he really looks like:

Windass: unmasked

Next Week: After a grilling from Stray Photon, David Beckham admits faking fractured metatarsal "for insurance purposes".

Vinny checks for onions

Labels: , , ,


At 7:20 am, July 23, 2009, Blogger Morton Shadow said...

'Deano' would complete the deception by diguising his French accent.

Quite some perfer-monce...


At 7:20 am, July 23, 2009, Blogger Morton Shadow said...

Sorry ahd to post again - the word verification is vasolun...


At 1:23 pm, July 27, 2009, Blogger Istvanski said...

Just popped by to ketchup.

At 8:14 pm, July 28, 2009, Blogger Howesy said...

That's not all that tosser Butcher faked. He also pretended that he was a manager for a while too. Sheister...

At 12:42 pm, July 29, 2009, Blogger Morton Shadow said...

13:40 pm, Wednesday 29th July.

Soccer update:

Hull City 1 (Geovanni) Beijing Guojon 0...

A screamer, apparently



Post a Comment

<< Home

Blogarama - The Blog Directory Blog Directory