PARKINSON: An Apology

This blog may have previously given the impression that it believed chat show host and professional Yorkshireman Michael "Phil" Parkinson (he's from Barnsley you know) to be a disaster as manager of Hull City AFC and that the only sensible course of action would be to remove him without further delay. With the team rooted at the bottom of the Championship, his erratic team selection and habit of playing men out of position seemed to have no logic, and surely his previous success at Colchester United must now be attributed to the talent of his assistant manager who replaced Parkinson at his former club, especially bearing in mind the relative positions of the two clubs at the moment.

However following tonight's glorious 3-2 victory against Southend United, during which the Tigers came from behind twice despite having their captain sent off, it is clear that Mr Parkinson is a footballing genius with a vision to match that of Wenger, Busby and Shankly rolled into one. As Hull City march relentlessly up the table towards Premiership status we must fall to our knees giving thanks while clubs currently in the top flight quake in fear as they await our inevitable arrival. It is surely only a matter of time before Parky is offered the England job only to turn it down, citing unfinished business at Hull's Circle stadium as the reason.

Next week: as City crash to an embarrassing 2-0 defeat at Southampton, Spraying the Rays says "PARKY OUT!"

Reality TV: a step too far?

TV Guide

Saturday 28th October:

Pick of the Day

Parkinson (ITV; times vary)
Faking It (Channel 4; 4.47 pm)

Veteran TV chat show host Parkinson tries to pass himself off as manager of a Championship football team. All goes well until "Parky" is rumbled when he plays centre-back Damien Delaney on the left wing, with hilarious results;

Hull 0:1 Sunderland (Wallace 90)
Attend: 25512
Half-time: 0-0

Next week: Goalkeeping legend Peter Schmeichel has a go at ballroom dancing (OK, you're right, I made this last one up.)

Exclusive: Photon for Duran Duran?

Spraying the Rays can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the REAL reason behind today's shock walkout by guitarist Andy Taylor of 80's popsters Duran Duran.

Duran Duran: "jolly peeved"

A furious Simon Le-Bon and John Taylor today placed the blame for Taylor's exit firmly at the feet of a little known Twickenham based musician, a Mr Stray Photon. Le-Bon takes up the story:

"Some sod gave Andy an antique cassette tape called "Square Four EP" by some group called the Ariels. We all thought it was a bit of a joke, but once Andy had heard it he got all moody and started muttering stuff about "not being worthy" and "how does he do that?"

Taylor: left succesful outfit for meteroic rise to obscurity

It is reported that after having heard the tape Mr Taylor vowed never to pick up the guitar again.

Following extensive work by Spraying the Rays' dedicated team of researchers we have identified "The Ariels" as a four piece popular beat combo of the 90's, "the decade that music forgot". Popular in Basingstoke, along with Photon the group featured the then little known Robert Swipe on guitar, vocals and euphonium, and Howesey "Howesey" Howes on bass guitar with special responsibility as female fans liaison officer. The band also boasted former Arsenal footballer Charlie George on drums. They had the distinction of having emptied the Prince Albert in Twickenham faster than any other band before or since, as certified by a plaque outside the once popular public house.

Duran Duran's management now face a race against time to find a replacement to play on the remaining dates of their tour of out-of season holiday camps on England's North-East coast. However keyboard player Nick Rhodes has a novel soution in mind.

Nick Rhodes: flamboyant

"Stray Photon. It's all his fault. he can bloody well fix the mess we're in. If he thinks he's so bloody good he can play guitar." he told us from the band's luxury B&B in Filey, Yorkshire.

Attempts to track down the reclusive Photon have, however, so far drawn a blank. After the band split up acrimoniously over disputed songwriting credits, he is thought to have been living in a lead lined room in Chertsey, Surrey for the last seven years, having turned his back on his former rock'n'roll lifestyle.

Photon: recent picture

However the remaining members of the 80's teen supergroup felt this was not likely to be a problem. "OK, so he looks pasty, he's a bit fat, and can't play. He'll fit in just fine." said John Taylor.

Next week:

Whatever happened to Robert Swipe? We track down the former legendary frontman of the Ariels.

Jamie's Football Dinners

Oliver: irritating

Jamie Oliver, the well known celebrity chef and self styled Saviour of the Nation's Children, has switched his attention to the poor nutritional intake of the nation's footballers.

Defoe: peckish

"It's clear from recent events that players are resorting to snacking on junk food between meals"

Mascherano: a bit tasty

Mr Oliver has proposed a wholesale rethink of catering facilities at football clubs throughout the country, entailing retraining of canteen staff and an increase in the basic cost of a meal to 37p.

Jamie added, "I have seen the all too worrying long term effects of such a poor diet on players, and believe me, it's not pretty."

Windass: unpalatable

We asked Gordon Ramsey for his opinion. He told us to f**k off out of his kitchen. Well, really.

Next week: Will boxing follow soccer's lead? Spraying the Rays speaks to Mike Tyson.

Blogging: some useful terminology

Blogger

one who blogs

Blogonaut

one who hasn't yet blogged (see I-Pimp-for-Hobbits...or rather, don't)

Blogographer

one who blogs about bloggers

Blog logger

one who keeps records of blogs

Log blogger (Can)

one who blogs about logs

Log blogger (UK)

one who includes unsavoury details about bodily functions in blogs (see R Swipe)

Blog blocker

one who avoids bloggers

Block blogger (Swe)

New things to build with Lego

Log blog blocker

one who avoids blogs mentioning bodily functions.

Blog ligger

one who constantly refers to other peoples blogs in the hope of being mentioned in them (see S Photon)

Dog blogger

Crufts diary

Blog Dogger

Dogger Fog blogger

online shipping forecast

Bog Blogger

North Yorks Peat and Fen association website

Sod bloggers

I've had enough of this.

Next week; Finance: Origami corporation folds

Save Money the Stray Photon way!

Hello Readers!

Why not save cash on those pricey personalised number plates?

Simply change your name by deed poll to the registration number of your car!


Your friend,

YLM746X




Next week: Blogger investigates Stray Photon for plagiarism. This so called "top tip" appeared in Viz magazine about ten years ago.

Farting Footballers of the 70's

First in an occasional series:

"Mr Heighway, what's that awful Pong?"

Next week: Rhubarb, Vegetable of the Devil.

Father, Figure...

Hello readers!


Today I asked my daughters which historical or cultural figure I most reminded them of.


Would it be a fearless explorer?

A much loved entertainer?

Or a sporting legend?

Who would it be?

They had a bit of a think,

and then they said;


"You're overweight...

you drink too much beer...

you work with radioactive isotopes...

and you're a complete buffoon."

Doh!

Next week: Contraception: a users guide.

Chelsea: More calls to withdraw forces

Amid claims that casualties incurred during the 06-7 campaign are much greater than officially reported, Chelsea are facing increasing demands to withdraw their forces from the Premier League altogether. Following an incursion into the hostile Thames Valley region at the weekend, Jose Mourinho voiced the opinion that a radical change in tactics is unavoidable;

Mourinho: "Bigger boys spoiled game"

"It is clear that our mere presence in the top flight of English football is making us the target of hostility. The game of football is proving to be much rougher than expected. Yesterday we saw instances of the enemy deliberately going out of their way to kick footballs at us, sometimes very hard. Their supporters seemed determined to make us feel uncomfortable and some of them shouted very loudly at us. Last year the locals were much more welcoming and stepped aside as we marched into their penalty areas and let us score goals almost at will. Something has changed this season. I have voiced my strong belief to my chairman that we must seriously consider the Battersea and Wimbledon Ladies Netball league as more suitable to our talents."

As well as the widely reported injuries received by Mourinhos combatants, the enigmatic coach also revealed a catalogue of less publicised woes for the team.

"John Terry broke a nail when he had to stand in as keeper, and Robben had to come off in the 82nd minute with one of the worst cases of twisted sock I have ever seen."

Frank Lampard and Didier Droghba model Chelsea's new away kit

A Premier League spokesman told STR, "While we do have some sympathy with Cheslea's predicament, we do not feel it is appropriate to consider additional protection for goalkeepers. Talk of creating an exclusion zone around the 6 yard box is premature. It could be problematic to determine whether a striker was running towards or away from the zone should he be attacked by the netminder. We must also remember that outfield players have been getting bashed around the bonce since the game began and we don't get them whinging about it do they? Not even when some have suffered horrendous facial disfigurements."

Windass: matinee idol career setback

We asked Woody Goldstein, a prominent Chelsea fan for an opinion but he was unable to comment having missed the game. "It's a disgrace. I waited three hours for a bleeding Circle line train at Turnham Green before someone told me it isn't even on the Circle line. This country is going to the dogs." he told us from his home in Hollywood, California.

Turnham Green: still not on Circle line

All the staff at Spraying the Rays would like to express their sincere wishes for a speedy recovery to Hull City Football Club.

Next week: RFU responds to call for rugby balls to be made "less pointy".

TURNHAM GREEN DISPUTE RUMBLES ON

A London Transport spokeman today emphatically denied claims that Turnham Green in West London was part of the Circle line. When questioned by a Spraying the Rays reporter he issued the following statement:

"Can't you read the bleeding map, sonny? Now get out of my way. I've got a train to drive." and with another swig from his can of Tennants Super he was gone.

Turnham Green: change for Richmond

Mr Bob Swipe of Strawberry Fields, the poshest bit of Twickingham, has consistently claimed that District and Picadilly line trains have been stopping at Turnham Green in error since 1973. "Can't you see what's going on?" he said in a slurred voice to our roving reporter as he attempted to pass urine in the toilet at the Prisoner of Wales public house. "It's a global conspiracy to discredit the song wot I wrote all them years ago. If it hadn't been for that...I could have been someone...I could have been a contender..."

A spokesman for Swipe Enterprises later claimed that Mr Swipe's comments had been taken out of context, and that the once popular blogger and podcaster had been "overdoing it a bit lately" as a result of Tottenham Hotspurs' disappointing start to the season.

Meanwhile a campaign to reroute the Circle line through Turnham Green and to include a new station named Fifth Cross Road is likely to face fierce local opposition despite the improved access to the West End it would provide for residents of West London.

Next week: Life after F1: Schumacher does "The Knowledge"

BLOGGING IN THE OLDEN DAYS part 1

Mr Photon uploads another witty and erudite post to his original 1953 blog, "Is There Anybody Out There?"

Unfortunately there wasn't.

Next week: Managing a Nuclear Medicine Department the Gordon Ramsay way.