Chelsea: More calls to withdraw forces

Amid claims that casualties incurred during the 06-7 campaign are much greater than officially reported, Chelsea are facing increasing demands to withdraw their forces from the Premier League altogether. Following an incursion into the hostile Thames Valley region at the weekend, Jose Mourinho voiced the opinion that a radical change in tactics is unavoidable;

Mourinho: "Bigger boys spoiled game"

"It is clear that our mere presence in the top flight of English football is making us the target of hostility. The game of football is proving to be much rougher than expected. Yesterday we saw instances of the enemy deliberately going out of their way to kick footballs at us, sometimes very hard. Their supporters seemed determined to make us feel uncomfortable and some of them shouted very loudly at us. Last year the locals were much more welcoming and stepped aside as we marched into their penalty areas and let us score goals almost at will. Something has changed this season. I have voiced my strong belief to my chairman that we must seriously consider the Battersea and Wimbledon Ladies Netball league as more suitable to our talents."

As well as the widely reported injuries received by Mourinhos combatants, the enigmatic coach also revealed a catalogue of less publicised woes for the team.

"John Terry broke a nail when he had to stand in as keeper, and Robben had to come off in the 82nd minute with one of the worst cases of twisted sock I have ever seen."

Frank Lampard and Didier Droghba model Chelsea's new away kit

A Premier League spokesman told STR, "While we do have some sympathy with Cheslea's predicament, we do not feel it is appropriate to consider additional protection for goalkeepers. Talk of creating an exclusion zone around the 6 yard box is premature. It could be problematic to determine whether a striker was running towards or away from the zone should he be attacked by the netminder. We must also remember that outfield players have been getting bashed around the bonce since the game began and we don't get them whinging about it do they? Not even when some have suffered horrendous facial disfigurements."

Windass: matinee idol career setback

We asked Woody Goldstein, a prominent Chelsea fan for an opinion but he was unable to comment having missed the game. "It's a disgrace. I waited three hours for a bleeding Circle line train at Turnham Green before someone told me it isn't even on the Circle line. This country is going to the dogs." he told us from his home in Hollywood, California.

Turnham Green: still not on Circle line

All the staff at Spraying the Rays would like to express their sincere wishes for a speedy recovery to Hull City Football Club.

Next week: RFU responds to call for rugby balls to be made "less pointy".