Stray answers Oasis' call as Noel quits

Gallagher: to take role in Coronation Street?

Twickenham guitarist Stray "Disaster" Photon was today being hotly tipped to replaced Noel Gallagher in veteran pub-rock band Oasis following an announcement that Gallagher could no longer work with brother and vocalist Liam.

A spokesman for the Manchester group told Spraying the Rays, "We needed someone who has experience in working with an unpredictable temperamental singer who likes putting on women's clothing and hanging around in bars. Mr Photon was an obvious candidate."

Speaking exclusively to Spraying the Rays, Stray Photon stated that he was "extremely honoured" to be linked with the vacancy; "After all, I can play all three chords, just not necessarily in the right order."

He continued, "It's going to be a busy autumn for me what with the driving job and judging in "Strictly" as well," he said. "But as long as there are no weekend gigs I should be OK to do it."

Other names touted to replace Gallagher are:

Bert Weedon (7/2)
Eric Claptout (8/1)
Noel Gallagher (evens)

Next Week: Photon quits Oasis over "pharmaceutical differences."

Deano denies "fat, ugly" allegations

Windass: not mentioned in this blog

Former Harlequins boss Dean Richards today issued a strong denial that that he was either fat or ugly.

However in an exclusive interview with Spraying the Rays' award winning Beer and Rugger correspondent Stray Photon, the disgraced England rugby legend accepted that he was exceptionally stupid.

Richards resigned from his post as Director of Rugby at the West London club following his role in the Bloodgate affair where winger Tom Williams faked a blood injury during a Heineken Cup match against Leinster.

"Not only have I brought shame upon the once great game of Rugby Union, but I then compounded the shame by admitting that I have done it before," the burly ex-prop forward tearfully told STR.

He continued, "How stupid is that? When I think of how we used to look down our noses at Rugby League and Soccer for their commercialism and tendency to exaggerate injury, now I have made not only myself but the game I love look totally ridiculous."

Meanwhile, following an exciting new commercial partnership with Harlequins RUFC, we can review some exciting new items for sale at the Harlequins club shop:

• Impress you stuck-up poncey chums next time you shed your Barbour jacket in the car park at HQ with the new official Quins club shirt. Only £49.99!
  

• Game not going your way? Then impress the ref instead with this accurate "Cut Kit". Easy and quick to apply! Substitution guaranteed! Only £19.99!
  

• Need that extra impact to get an opponent sent off? Try this amazingly lifelike fake wound with fake glass embedded in it. Only £29.99!
  
  
  
  
• Want a more traditional solution? Try this dual purpose blood substitute. Spice up your half time burger, then hide the bottle down your shorts for that injury time tactical kicking replacement. Tried and tested! Exclusive price for STR readers only £1.25!
  

Next week: How to fake an Anterior Cruciate Ligament rupture. Grab some quality beach time while your team-mates tough it out in the winter mud at Griffin Park, Elland Road and Selhurst!

Photon Steps In as Schumacher Loses Bottle

Schumacher: "too scarey"

Our Motorsport Correspondent Lew Sweelnutt writes:

Following seven times F1 world champion Michael Schumacher's announcement that he is withdrawing from his much anticipated comeback at the Valencia European Grand Prix on August 23rd due to a "pre-existing neck injury", legendary Italian race team Ferrari haved moved quickly to announce his replacement.

Stray "Revs" Photon, a comparitive unknown on the F1 circuit, was presented by Ferrari's president Luca Di Montezemolo at a hastily arranged press conference earlier today.

Schumacher had been lined up to stand in for Felipe Massa who has been sidelined for the rest of the season following a freak accident at the Hungaororing Grand Prix, but in practice has apparently found that the high G-forces experienced during practice have made it impossible to maintain a competitive level of performance.

"I am very sorry that Michael will not be driving for us in Spain," said Mr Di Montezemolo, "but he pulled his neck during a bizarre gardening accident a few months ago and does not feel he is able to compete."

"I am aware that Stray does not have a particularly high profile on the F1 scene," continued the charismatic Italian boss, "but after looking at a brief resume of his past form, I am convinced he is the man to restore the fortunes of the team."

"I can assure the tifosi that they need have no fear for the reputation of Ferrari," said Mr Photon (63). "I have a wealth of competitive experience which I can bring to bear. I have raced these circuits more times than I can remember, for example on Formula 1 05 and 06 on the Sony Playstation, Geoff Crammond's Grand Prix 4 and 2 on the PC, and every version of Codemaster's Touring car series on various formats."

He continued, "I have also competed on Domark's Formula 1 on the Sega Megadrive, and going right back to Pole Position on the good old Sinclair Spectrum. I also have extensive racing experience on the US oval tracks in NASCAR 2003, driven on the world rally circuit in Colin Mcrae Rally 3 and 5, and don't get me started on Super Mario Kart. Frankly I'm surprised that Luca didn't come to me first."

Photon in training for F1 debut

Next week: Ferrari request postponement of European GP due to "a need to reconfigure cockpit dimensions in line with recent technical developments."