Deano denies "fat, ugly" allegations

Windass: not mentioned in this blog

Former Harlequins boss Dean Richards today issued a strong denial that that he was either fat or ugly.

However in an exclusive interview with Spraying the Rays' award winning Beer and Rugger correspondent Stray Photon, the disgraced England rugby legend accepted that he was exceptionally stupid.

Richards resigned from his post as Director of Rugby at the West London club following his role in the Bloodgate affair where winger Tom Williams faked a blood injury during a Heineken Cup match against Leinster.

"Not only have I brought shame upon the once great game of Rugby Union, but I then compounded the shame by admitting that I have done it before," the burly ex-prop forward tearfully told STR.

He continued, "How stupid is that? When I think of how we used to look down our noses at Rugby League and Soccer for their commercialism and tendency to exaggerate injury, now I have made not only myself but the game I love look totally ridiculous."

Meanwhile, following an exciting new commercial partnership with Harlequins RUFC, we can review some exciting new items for sale at the Harlequins club shop:

• Impress you stuck-up poncey chums next time you shed your Barbour jacket in the car park at HQ with the new official Quins club shirt. Only £49.99!
  

• Game not going your way? Then impress the ref instead with this accurate "Cut Kit". Easy and quick to apply! Substitution guaranteed! Only £19.99!
  

• Need that extra impact to get an opponent sent off? Try this amazingly lifelike fake wound with fake glass embedded in it. Only £29.99!
  
  
  
  
• Want a more traditional solution? Try this dual purpose blood substitute. Spice up your half time burger, then hide the bottle down your shorts for that injury time tactical kicking replacement. Tried and tested! Exclusive price for STR readers only £1.25!
  

Next week: How to fake an Anterior Cruciate Ligament rupture. Grab some quality beach time while your team-mates tough it out in the winter mud at Griffin Park, Elland Road and Selhurst!

Player admits use of fake blood

Following the revelations that Rugby Union player Tom Williams of Harlequins used a theatrical blood capsule to feign injury and gain advantage in a Heineken Cup match last season, Spraying the Rays can reveal that fakery in sport is nothing new.

Former England football captain Terry Butcher confessed exclusively to our award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon:

Butcher: condiment malfunction

"When we played Sweden in '89 we didn't have nothing like these capsules that this fancy dan rugger chap used. We had to improvise in those days. I had a bottle of HP ketchup down my shorts. They was tight shorts as well, so a lot of the oppo thought I was getting a bit too keen in the penalty area, so to speak."

Butcher continued, "Anyway when the ref wasn't looking I decided to get them into a bit of bother. This was before the squeezy plastic bottles so I shook it and shook it and then suddenly it all come out at once. I have felt like I've been living a lie ever since and it's just a relief to get the truth out after all these years."

Butcher is not the only England soccer legend to use props to enhance his image. Paul Gascoigne's famous tears a year later in the Italia 90 World Cup semi-final were not, it transpires, entirely genuine. Gazza told us the truth over a pint or two of Twickenham Fine Ales' "Naked Ladies" bitter:

Gazza: big girl

"Why aye, man. The gaffer told us that we needed a bit of theatre to upset the Krauts, so he gave me an onion and said to stick it down me kegs. When I got booked like, out it comes and I blub like a bairn. The idea was to get the Germans to feel sorry for us and let us win, only it didn't work."

Spraying the Rays can also exclusively reveal that the breasts exhibited by Gascoigne on the England squad's open top bus after the tournament were also almost certainly fake.

Gazza: two up front

Runours have persisted about another gifted footballer from the North. Darlington assistant coach and former North Ferriby United player Dean Windass has revealed that for his entire playing career he wore a rubber face mask to strike fear into the heart of opposing defenders. Here's what he really looks like:

Windass: unmasked

Next Week: After a grilling from Stray Photon, David Beckham admits faking fractured metatarsal "for insurance purposes".

Vinny checks for onions