Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

11 August 2009

Photon Steps In as Schumacher Loses Bottle

Schumacher: "too scarey"

Our Motorsport Correspondent Lew Sweelnutt writes:

Following seven times F1 world champion Michael Schumacher's announcement that he is withdrawing from his much anticipated comeback at the Valencia European Grand Prix on August 23rd due to a "pre-existing neck injury", legendary Italian race team Ferrari haved moved quickly to announce his replacement.

Stray "Revs" Photon, a comparitive unknown on the F1 circuit, was presented by Ferrari's president Luca Di Montezemolo at a hastily arranged press conference earlier today.

Schumacher had been lined up to stand in for Felipe Massa who has been sidelined for the rest of the season following a freak accident at the Hungaororing Grand Prix, but in practice has apparently found that the high G-forces experienced during practice have made it impossible to maintain a competitive level of performance.

"I am very sorry that Michael will not be driving for us in Spain," said Mr Di Montezemolo, "but he pulled his neck during a bizarre gardening accident a few months ago and does not feel he is able to compete."

"I am aware that Stray does not have a particularly high profile on the F1 scene," continued the charismatic Italian boss, "but after looking at a brief resume of his past form, I am convinced he is the man to restore the fortunes of the team."

"I can assure the tifosi that they need have no fear for the reputation of Ferrari," said Mr Photon (63). "I have a wealth of competitive experience which I can bring to bear. I have raced these circuits more times than I can remember, for example on Formula 1 05 and 06 on the Sony Playstation, Geoff Crammond's Grand Prix 4 and 2 on the PC, and every version of Codemaster's Touring car series on various formats."

He continued, "I have also competed on Domark's Formula 1 on the Sega Megadrive, and going right back to Pole Position on the good old Sinclair Spectrum. I also have extensive racing experience on the US oval tracks in NASCAR 2003, driven on the world rally circuit in Colin Mcrae Rally 3 and 5, and don't get me started on Super Mario Kart. Frankly I'm surprised that Luca didn't come to me first."

Photon in training for F1 debut

Next week: Ferrari request postponement of European GP due to "a need to reconfigure cockpit dimensions in line with recent technical developments."

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