Culture Minister: I Quit

Windass signs resignation letter

Gordon Brown's carefully crafted new government was left in tatters last night as it was revealed that a key minister has resigned from his post with hours of being appointed.

Minister for Culture and Transport with Special Responsibility for South-West Trains, Dean Windass sensationally stepped down after after a photograph allegedly showing him in a compromising position with a mysterious "Man in Black", whose identity was not revealed, were published on an obscure blogging site:

Deano's bum

Excerpt from text of resignation letter:

"It is with great regret that I tender my resignation. However I have been placed in an untenable position and feel that it is the best interests of the Government that I stand down in order to minimise any potential further embarrassment to the Administration."

In his letter of reply the PM paid tribute to Sir Dean's many hours of loyal service to his country;

"It is a tragedy that the country will be deprived of your immense talents and experience but I wish you well in your continuing career as Envoy for Peace and Harmony in North Lincolnshire."

Text of Mrs Windass' response to the news that the minister was stepping down to spend more time with his family:

"Oh shit."

In his hasty first reshuffle PM Brown moved swiftly to replace Lord Windass in the cabinet.

In a unique cabinet job-share, responsibilities for Transport will be taken on by Istvanski and Howesey.

Rail travellers have been advised to expect some innovative changes especially in the commuter regions of South West London.

In a leaked document seen by Spraying The Rays' political staff it was proposed that there would be an end to rail services before 10.00 am. The document also suggests a more flexible general approach to timetables. When pressed on these changes the new ministers were somewhat evasive.

"Look, you'll get a train if we feel like driving one OK? Now piss off. I'm trying to do a podcast." said Istvanski.

We also attempted to contact Howesey but he was unable to hear the telephone due to temporary deafness following a concert he had attended in his previous role as Secretary of State for Loud and Raucous Pop Music.

Howesy: diagnosed with Motor Head

However he later released a press statement:

"The days of preplanned and strictly regimented rail travel are over. We are at the dawn of a new age for public transport. In the future both destination and time of travel will be subject to a more liberal interpretation by the train operator; for example if it's nice weather we might go to the seaside, or there might be some shopping I need to do, etc."

Another key appointment was made public yesterday when it was announced that Ken Bates was to become Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Bates: Leeds untied

"No-one can fail to be impressed by the prudence with which Mr Bates has handled the financial situation at the Coca Cola League One football club Leeds United FC.," said Prime Minister Brown. "This gives us the option, in the unlikely event of the UK becoming financially unstable, of going into administration, taking the 10 point penalty and getting relegated into the Third World."

Kiss Prudence...

Mr Brown also revealed Gabrielle Drake as the new Junior Minister with special responsibility for Space; the Final Frontier. She will be based at the department of Beer Chips and Football, where she will be working, er...under the Right On Stray Photon.

Drake: Earth to be moved

Mr Photon professed himself to be very pleased with the new appointment.

"Ms Drake is a woman of remarkable talents and I look forward to working very closely with her in the future to safeguard Britain's interests in space, and possible going beyond where no minister has gone before."

Mrs Photon later commented, "Are you still doing that bloody blog? Get down here and take the kids to the park. That is all I have to say on the matter at the moment. No more questions."

Next week: A special STR investigation: Zippo's Circus mystery; the case of the missing musicians.

Brown Cabinet: latest news

Brown cabinet

Shockwaves reverberated around Westminster last night as the latest appointments to Gordon Brown's cabinet were announced.



Stray Photon, legendary former Ariels and Defectors guitarist and Cool to Snog drummer is the new Minister for Beer, Chips and Football.

Photon: man of destiny

Mr Photon spoke to the press on the steps of 10 Downing Street after his surprise appointment:



"I ask only that I serve my people. Let us go forward together. It is a great honour for my constituency that I have been offered this opportunity to Make Britain Greater. Could you print the last three words with Capital letters please?."

Meanwhile the new Prime Minister courted further controversy with his choice of Minister for Culture and Transport with Special Responsibility for South-West Trains.

Windass: hit the cabinet post

Sir Deano of Windass (62) has been asked to combine his current role as Coca-Cola Championship Top Scorer Season 07-08 with his new post.

He spoke to Spraying the Rays' political correspondent in an exclusive interview.


"Well it just came out of the blue, like. One minute I was sat at home with our lass arguing whether it should be that Billi or Charlie to get evicted this week, and then next thing I know the phone goes and she says it's Gordon about a new job. Well I says to her tell him to f**k off, those green and white hoops will do nowt for me waistline, but it turns out it were a completely different bloke."



Lord Deano promised that one of his first actions in his new role would be to instigate an inquiry as to what happened to the band who used to play as part of Zippo's Circus, currently resident on Twickenham Green rather than the the nerdy looking bald bloke sitting behind a keyboard providing musical backing to the various clowns, trapeze artistes and other circus types.



"It's political correctness gone mad", said Lord Windass.



The appointment of Robert Swipe as Undersecretary of State for Blogging and the Environment has also raised a few eyebrows, both in the blogging community and beyond.

Swipe: excessive leakage

"It's political madness gone correct," said Admiral Swipe, 86.



Further appointments are expected to be announced in the next few days.





Next week: Great Gigs of Our Time: first in a brand new series.

A New Career in a New Town

St Previous Hospital Nuclear Medicine Department:

Call that a Gamma camera?

Current Cross Hospital Nuclear Medicine Department:

Nah. THIS is a Gamma Camera.

This one goes up to 11.

Don't even look at it.

Bye!

New Blogging Machine Invented

Hairfix: nuts

Crazed Twickenham inventor James Vox Airfix claims to have invented a new machine which could revolutionise the blogging process.

Airfix claims the radical new design could halve the time it takes to deliver a blog to the recipient. More controversially, Mr Bostick states that the "Blog-o-Ray" device can deliver blogs through previously impenetrable objects such as earwax and very thin paper.

"It's remarkably simple, really," he told STR's science correspondent. "When you want to read a blog, you just ask your doctor to refer you to the Blog-o-Ray department of your local hospital. They will contact you and ask you to fill in a form stating which blog you want to read and within 8 weeks you will receive an appointment for the blog transfer procedure."

"When you attend for your appointment you will lie down on the couch and after some sedative medication has been administered, the blog will be implanted in your brain. The whole process will take less than two hours. This heralds a new age for the Blog. At last we can now bring the joy of blogging to the masses."

However when asked about possible side effects Mr Araldite became somewhat evasive.

"It's true that we did have one or two, er, adverse events in the early days," he admitted, becoming slightly flustered. "But I am 87.53% certain that those problems have now been ironed out."

Spraying the Rays managed to track down one of the early volunteeers for the prototype of the Blog-o-Ray, who agreed to talk to us on condition of anonymity. His words have been typed by an actor.

"It were bloody awful," said the man, a former Premiership footballer. "Wave after wave of disinterest and apathy flowed through my body as the blog was implanted. I think it were summat called "Building my PC" or something. I got this awful cramp in t'jaw from yawning so much, and brain were numb for months."

The neurological effects of the process eventually wore off but the awful physical disfigurement is still plain for all to see:

Anonymous brain donor

Mr Evostik declined to comment on stories linking him with the recent Polonium 210 scandal.

"I tell you that stuff was just resting in my radioactive store. I didn't even know what it was. Lovely glow to it though..."

Safe nos. 1 and 2 are still missing...

Shortly afterwards we were asked to leave.

Next Week: Is Blogging Safe for Our Kids? Spraying the Rays' science correspondent has no idea.