Culture Minister: I Quit

Windass signs resignation letter

Gordon Brown's carefully crafted new government was left in tatters last night as it was revealed that a key minister has resigned from his post with hours of being appointed.

Minister for Culture and Transport with Special Responsibility for South-West Trains, Dean Windass sensationally stepped down after after a photograph allegedly showing him in a compromising position with a mysterious "Man in Black", whose identity was not revealed, were published on an obscure blogging site:

Deano's bum

Excerpt from text of resignation letter:

"It is with great regret that I tender my resignation. However I have been placed in an untenable position and feel that it is the best interests of the Government that I stand down in order to minimise any potential further embarrassment to the Administration."

In his letter of reply the PM paid tribute to Sir Dean's many hours of loyal service to his country;

"It is a tragedy that the country will be deprived of your immense talents and experience but I wish you well in your continuing career as Envoy for Peace and Harmony in North Lincolnshire."

Text of Mrs Windass' response to the news that the minister was stepping down to spend more time with his family:

"Oh shit."

In his hasty first reshuffle PM Brown moved swiftly to replace Lord Windass in the cabinet.

In a unique cabinet job-share, responsibilities for Transport will be taken on by Istvanski and Howesey.

Rail travellers have been advised to expect some innovative changes especially in the commuter regions of South West London.

In a leaked document seen by Spraying The Rays' political staff it was proposed that there would be an end to rail services before 10.00 am. The document also suggests a more flexible general approach to timetables. When pressed on these changes the new ministers were somewhat evasive.

"Look, you'll get a train if we feel like driving one OK? Now piss off. I'm trying to do a podcast." said Istvanski.

We also attempted to contact Howesey but he was unable to hear the telephone due to temporary deafness following a concert he had attended in his previous role as Secretary of State for Loud and Raucous Pop Music.

Howesy: diagnosed with Motor Head

However he later released a press statement:

"The days of preplanned and strictly regimented rail travel are over. We are at the dawn of a new age for public transport. In the future both destination and time of travel will be subject to a more liberal interpretation by the train operator; for example if it's nice weather we might go to the seaside, or there might be some shopping I need to do, etc."

Another key appointment was made public yesterday when it was announced that Ken Bates was to become Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Bates: Leeds untied

"No-one can fail to be impressed by the prudence with which Mr Bates has handled the financial situation at the Coca Cola League One football club Leeds United FC.," said Prime Minister Brown. "This gives us the option, in the unlikely event of the UK becoming financially unstable, of going into administration, taking the 10 point penalty and getting relegated into the Third World."

Kiss Prudence...

Mr Brown also revealed Gabrielle Drake as the new Junior Minister with special responsibility for Space; the Final Frontier. She will be based at the department of Beer Chips and Football, where she will be working, er...under the Right On Stray Photon.

Drake: Earth to be moved

Mr Photon professed himself to be very pleased with the new appointment.

"Ms Drake is a woman of remarkable talents and I look forward to working very closely with her in the future to safeguard Britain's interests in space, and possible going beyond where no minister has gone before."

Mrs Photon later commented, "Are you still doing that bloody blog? Get down here and take the kids to the park. That is all I have to say on the matter at the moment. No more questions."

Next week: A special STR investigation: Zippo's Circus mystery; the case of the missing musicians.