UK Earthquake: latest news

Aftershocks continued today following the earthquake that hit the UK yesterday.

The seismic disturbance was first thought to have originated in Kent, but later geological data revealed that the epicentre of the tremor was actually in an area of Leeds, Yorkshire known to locals as "Elland Road".

Elland road: future Tesco's?

Eyewitnesses spoke of their fear and disorientation at what was occurring.

"Our world just seemed to be falling apart around us," said one tearful youth who appeared to be wearing a badly faded "Leeds into Europe 2001" T shirt.

There was also palpable anger at the situation.

"They said it could never happen here," whined another as he clutched a tattered scarf bearing the legend "Division One Champions 1992".

"Our leaders promised us that we were safe", spluttered a pasty faced youth as he dropped his emergency pie and chips ration onto the ground. "They lied to us. Why, we may as well have hired some cockney wide boy thug to be in charge

Wise: touted for Morecambe job

Others were merely confused. "Where is Cheltenham?" asked a woman clutching an Atlas of Great Britain.

The magnitude of the quake, estimated to be 46 points on the Richter scale, was such that victims felt the need to evacuate stands at the delapidated ground, and play at a football match which happened to be going on at the time was suspended for some thirty minutes while locals streamed on to the pitch in an attempt to protect visiting players by threatening them with violence.

There also seemed to be some concern for the well-being of the club's manager, a Mr Dennis Wise, as many of the displaced persons were keen to "sort him out".

Effects of the tremor were felt as far away as the Prince of Wales in Twickenham, where Spraying the Rays' chief Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon detected major palpitations in the chest region following the realisation that the 1-1 scoreline was not, as had been reported on the BBC, a final result.

Popular local

"I was severely traumatised." Mr Photon told us in a slurred voice. "When Sky Sports News reported that there was the last of 6 minutes inury time still to play, I thought it was inevitable that Leeds were going to score. Another pint of that delicious Spring Ale please, barman! Last orders please, Ref! Blow your f*cking whistle!"

Meanwhile, in the picturesque former fishing village of Hull, only a matter of miles away from the disaster unfolding in West Yorkshire, residents were narrowly saved from a similar fate.

Hull; Jewell of the East Coast

In a scenario remarkably similar to the film Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis, the town was saved by the heroic actions of one man, who despite being in an overwhelmigly hostile alien environment (Cardiff) managed to place launch an incendiary device into the very heart of the enemy defence.

Sir Dean Windass, who with characteristic modesty asked not to be named, declined to comment on his impending sainthood, saying his 52nd minute strike which all but secured Championship status for Hull City was just "part of the job, but if it helps send the White Sh*te down to Division 3 then all the better."

Bruce Windass: heroic

Mr Windass was later awarded Freedom of the City of Hull in a ceremony attended by Maureen Lipman, William Wilberforce and that bloke off Basil Brush.

Mr Roy: he's from Hull you know...

L**ds United can now only save themselves from relegation by beating promotion chasing Derby on the last day of the season, assuming that Hull lose at home to nothing-to-play-for Plymouth, and must improve their goal difference compared with Hull's by a collossal margin of 9 goals.

Longstanding Hull City fan Stray Photon commented, "It'll be a disaster. We're as good as down. Where did you say Cheltenham was?"

Dennis Wise was last seen late last night trying to hail a cab to take him as far away from Yorkshire as possible, but seemed to be having very little success.


Bye!

Next week: Late Windass penalty miss costs Hull dear as Leeds put 10 goals past Derby junior reserves.

Obligatory Windass pic

Stray Photon: A Statement

Following a number of enquiries from readers of this blog (Hello Mum!) Stray Photon today released the following press statement:




"I would like to reassure all my female fans that at no time during my career in Nuclear Medicine have any of my organs or body parts been removed for research into the effects of Polonium-210.

Photon: funny walk

My unusual gait is the result of an unfortunate incident during the Punk Revolution of 1976, but I never talk about it. I can categorically state that I am just a much a man as I ever was.

Stray faces the press

Thank you for your attention."



Stray Photon is 37 millicuries.

STRIP!

Here's what the well dressed League One player will be wearing next season...


...probably.

Robert Swipe is 52 Today

Happy Birthday Bob!

Ziggy Woodblum, our Bob, and birthday cigars.

And here's a rare opportunity to hear Bob himself singing a special birthday song! Point your mousey thing here.

Party on, dude!

Oops! nearly forgot:

League One: the battle for relegation

Bye!

Easter Recipes

Smith: tart

I'm sorry Delia, but it's a little too bitter for my taste; don't you think there's too much Huckerby in it?

Next week: Wildlife News: Wolves Maul Tigers (probably)

Your Correspondence

Hello readers!

Ah, Sunday morning! Time to take a few minutes out of my hectic schedule, wrap my lugholes round the latest Bobcast, (nice one by the way, Swipey!) and respond to some of the mountain of letters from my many fans.


For example, here's one from a former Hull City midfielder, Mr S. McClaren of Lancaster Gate, London;

McClaren in happier times

Dear Stray,

I've got myself into a bit of a pickle in my current job. I'm lumbered with a bunch of jesssies who are more worried about who's got the latest Armani suit or the flashest Bentley in the car park, rather than qualifying for the World Cup. I can't ask them to do as much as run round the park to warm up without them getting on their Ericssons and checking with Jose or Raffa whether it's alright. These girls are scared to run too hard or go into a tackle in case they smudge their moisturiser or twist a sock. And I'm getting the blame!

Can you help?

Certainly Steve! Here's the solution to your problem:

Dean? No!

After all, I do believe you've already had the privilege of managing the gentleman in question at Middlesborough FC. And hey, while we're at it, here's another thought;

Why not drop all the Pampered Premier League primadonnas from the squad? Henceforth the England team can consist of players from Championship or below. These players may lack the technical skills of the current incumbents, but will put in 100% effort, rather than the wasters who pull the shirt on at the moment and play as though it's a Sunday kickabout on the park, and are too worried about getting injured for their "proper" job to give their all.

What do you reckon?


Now, what's next? Well there's a coincidence! Another letter from the same address, this time from a Mr B Barwick;

Strife of Brian

Dear Mr Photon.

I would like to take this opportunity to reiterate my full support for Steve McClaren at this difficult time.

By the way, have you got any of that Polonium 210 left?

Well really. I though I had already made it clear that the isotope was simply resting in my radioactive storage cupboard. Better not put this one in the blog!


Ding dong! Here's a heavily scented note from S. of Twickenham Road, Denmark.

Hi Stray!
Word to the wise, dear. You've flogged the Polonium gag to death. Just DROP IT!

Blimey! It's dropped!

Meanwhile my old chum Howesey writes;

Yo Stray! (that's how he writes...he likes to think he's "down with the kids" even though he's actually 52)

Following the withdrawal of Sky Sports News from the Virgin Media cable TV service (formerly NTL/Telewest) I find it hard these days to keep up to date with the latest football results. Can you help?

I sympathise Howesey. I too am missing my fix of Jeff Stelling on a Saturday afternoon. But I am delighted to help out by bringing you and other bloggers the football scores you have been waiting for:

Swipey: your lot Arsenal played Liverpool and...oh my goodness. Maybe we'll gloss over that one.

DCI Tennison! Preston hoping to press home their claim for promotion with surely a guaranteed three points against struggling L**ds, or the White Sh*te as they are affectionately known where I come from, but what's that scoreline? Oh Crikey. The Guv'nor won't like that!

Ah, Istvanski! Surely Palace won't let us down? Let's see...oops! Let's move on...

and Howesey...now then, is there a glimmer of hope for the mighty Bees? Oh dear...that's got to smart...

What on earth's going on, readers? Didn't any blogger's team win this weekend? Hang on though...what's this?

A Dean Windass Hat trick, eh? Who'd have thought? Well here goes...


up yours, Joe Blogger!

Finally the aforementioned Istvanski writes from East Croydon...er, George Street...no, Church Street (man, those trams shift!);

Alright Stray, me old mucker! (he's from London, you know, and that's how they talk)

I'm doing some research into obscure and mediocre South West London bands of the mid 90's. Do you have any material in your extensive archive which might be of use?

PS: if there is any way way of embarrassing a blogger or three at the same time, that would be a right bonus, mate!

Well Ister, I think I have just the thing. If you go here, you can hear a motley collection of so-called "musicians" known as the Ariels playing at the Prince Albert in Twickenham on New Years' Eve, 1996. What a racket!

That's enough letters folks! Pub's open!

Bye!