UK Earthquake: latest news

Aftershocks continued today following the earthquake that hit the UK yesterday.

The seismic disturbance was first thought to have originated in Kent, but later geological data revealed that the epicentre of the tremor was actually in an area of Leeds, Yorkshire known to locals as "Elland Road".

Elland road: future Tesco's?

Eyewitnesses spoke of their fear and disorientation at what was occurring.

"Our world just seemed to be falling apart around us," said one tearful youth who appeared to be wearing a badly faded "Leeds into Europe 2001" T shirt.

There was also palpable anger at the situation.

"They said it could never happen here," whined another as he clutched a tattered scarf bearing the legend "Division One Champions 1992".

"Our leaders promised us that we were safe", spluttered a pasty faced youth as he dropped his emergency pie and chips ration onto the ground. "They lied to us. Why, we may as well have hired some cockney wide boy thug to be in charge

Wise: touted for Morecambe job

Others were merely confused. "Where is Cheltenham?" asked a woman clutching an Atlas of Great Britain.

The magnitude of the quake, estimated to be 46 points on the Richter scale, was such that victims felt the need to evacuate stands at the delapidated ground, and play at a football match which happened to be going on at the time was suspended for some thirty minutes while locals streamed on to the pitch in an attempt to protect visiting players by threatening them with violence.

There also seemed to be some concern for the well-being of the club's manager, a Mr Dennis Wise, as many of the displaced persons were keen to "sort him out".

Effects of the tremor were felt as far away as the Prince of Wales in Twickenham, where Spraying the Rays' chief Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon detected major palpitations in the chest region following the realisation that the 1-1 scoreline was not, as had been reported on the BBC, a final result.

Popular local

"I was severely traumatised." Mr Photon told us in a slurred voice. "When Sky Sports News reported that there was the last of 6 minutes inury time still to play, I thought it was inevitable that Leeds were going to score. Another pint of that delicious Spring Ale please, barman! Last orders please, Ref! Blow your f*cking whistle!"

Meanwhile, in the picturesque former fishing village of Hull, only a matter of miles away from the disaster unfolding in West Yorkshire, residents were narrowly saved from a similar fate.

Hull; Jewell of the East Coast

In a scenario remarkably similar to the film Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis, the town was saved by the heroic actions of one man, who despite being in an overwhelmigly hostile alien environment (Cardiff) managed to place launch an incendiary device into the very heart of the enemy defence.

Sir Dean Windass, who with characteristic modesty asked not to be named, declined to comment on his impending sainthood, saying his 52nd minute strike which all but secured Championship status for Hull City was just "part of the job, but if it helps send the White Sh*te down to Division 3 then all the better."

Bruce Windass: heroic

Mr Windass was later awarded Freedom of the City of Hull in a ceremony attended by Maureen Lipman, William Wilberforce and that bloke off Basil Brush.

Mr Roy: he's from Hull you know...

L**ds United can now only save themselves from relegation by beating promotion chasing Derby on the last day of the season, assuming that Hull lose at home to nothing-to-play-for Plymouth, and must improve their goal difference compared with Hull's by a collossal margin of 9 goals.

Longstanding Hull City fan Stray Photon commented, "It'll be a disaster. We're as good as down. Where did you say Cheltenham was?"

Dennis Wise was last seen late last night trying to hail a cab to take him as far away from Yorkshire as possible, but seemed to be having very little success.


Bye!

Next week: Late Windass penalty miss costs Hull dear as Leeds put 10 goals past Derby junior reserves.

Obligatory Windass pic