Earthquake News

Here is the full text of the statement released earlier today by Lt Gabrielle Photon, wife of the proprieter of this blog.

Mrs Photon

"Earlier today I may have inadvertently given the impression that I had experienced considerable sexual raptures due to the amorous attentions of my husband, Mr Stray Photon.

"In retrospect I can see why phrases such as "Oh Stray, you're the King!" and "Is that it?" may have have caused this misunderstanding.

"However, following reports of the seismic disturbance which affected tha nation in the early hours of this morning I now realise that the sensations I experienced of the earth moving was more to do with an act of God rather than the work of Stray, who is, I can confirm, as useless in the sack as ever.

"I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for any confusion I may have caused on this issue."


The couple were married in early 2007 after a whirlwind romance during which Lt Ellis, 36, was reportedly swept off her feet by Photon, 72. At that time he was a leading Blogger whose posts were avidly read by literally tens of people,and was said to have won her heart by publishing numerous pictures of her on the blog for no apparent reason.

Since those heady days Photon's blogging career has spiralled into terminal decline to the extent that he has had to take on radiography work in order to make ends meet.

The apparent friction between the showbiz pair has led to speculation that a seperation may be imminent, and a High Court battle looms over Mrs Photon's claims to part of her husband's assets (£43.50 and a 1978 Fender Telecaster).


Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger commented, "It is quite clear. Photon must never play footsy again" before later also retracting his statement and claiming that he did not actually see the earthquake in question.


Mr Photon was unavailable for comment. However a spokesman said that Stray was very upset by the allegations and "whoever this God person is had better watch out and keep his Hand off my wife." It was also suggested that Photon might also have an alternative love interest. "Gay isn't the only one who can play away, you know."

Photon; will he Stray?

The earthquake that hit the UK destroyed much of Lincolnshire causing an estimated £250 worth of damage, although it was suggested that this figure could rise to as much as £300 if the county's bacon slicer needed to be replaced.


Next week: Proposed Government penalties for watching TV in the wrong aspect ratio: are they too lenient?

High Speed Vinyl

Hello there, readers!

Here's another Top Tip for making the most of your time.


Music eh?

Centrifuge

We all love it, don't we?

But don't you find some of your favourite records go on a bit?

A modern pop LP can last as long as forty minutes or more.

That's time you can't claim back when you get to those Pearly Gates.

No matter how shit the record was.

Well, here at Spraying the Rays, our team of back-room boffins have come up with the perfect solution.

Photon: brains

You will need:

• A screwdriver,
  
• Fake or stolen hospital ID

Simply replace the plodding old 33 or 45 rpm motor in your gramophone turntable with one from a medical centrifuge such as are used to process Cr51 EDTA blood samples prior to Glomerular Filtration rate estimation.

Phonogram

These babies will run at up to 4,000 rpm!

This way you can listen to a whole LP in just over half a minute!

Enjoy the majestic rock grandeur of Deep Purple's live double "Made in Japan" in its entirety in just 66 rock'n'roll seconds!

Triple LP "Sandinista" by phoney art school punk pretenders the Clash? A mere minute and a half!

No more impatient clock watching as the tracks rumble slowly by; just drop the needle on the record and don't even bother to sit down! You can review your entire record collection in a few minutes!

Just think what you can do with the hours you will have to spare!

Bye!

Note: "Tales from Topographic Oceans" by prog-rock pioneers Yes will still seem to last an eternity.

Spraying the Rays accepts no responsibility for operator injury or damage to equipment as a result or this article.

Readers are advised not to attempt dancing to records when played at excessive speed under any circumstances.

Medical note; turntable motors are not suitable for use in medical centrifuges. Please do not simply exchange motors without the advice of a health care professional.

Not Ipod compatible