High Speed Vinyl

Hello there, readers!

Here's another Top Tip for making the most of your time.


Music eh?

Centrifuge

We all love it, don't we?

But don't you find some of your favourite records go on a bit?

A modern pop LP can last as long as forty minutes or more.

That's time you can't claim back when you get to those Pearly Gates.

No matter how shit the record was.

Well, here at Spraying the Rays, our team of back-room boffins have come up with the perfect solution.

Photon: brains

You will need:

• A screwdriver,
  
• Fake or stolen hospital ID

Simply replace the plodding old 33 or 45 rpm motor in your gramophone turntable with one from a medical centrifuge such as are used to process Cr51 EDTA blood samples prior to Glomerular Filtration rate estimation.

Phonogram

These babies will run at up to 4,000 rpm!

This way you can listen to a whole LP in just over half a minute!

Enjoy the majestic rock grandeur of Deep Purple's live double "Made in Japan" in its entirety in just 66 rock'n'roll seconds!

Triple LP "Sandinista" by phoney art school punk pretenders the Clash? A mere minute and a half!

No more impatient clock watching as the tracks rumble slowly by; just drop the needle on the record and don't even bother to sit down! You can review your entire record collection in a few minutes!

Just think what you can do with the hours you will have to spare!

Bye!

Note: "Tales from Topographic Oceans" by prog-rock pioneers Yes will still seem to last an eternity.

Spraying the Rays accepts no responsibility for operator injury or damage to equipment as a result or this article.

Readers are advised not to attempt dancing to records when played at excessive speed under any circumstances.

Medical note; turntable motors are not suitable for use in medical centrifuges. Please do not simply exchange motors without the advice of a health care professional.

Not Ipod compatible