Spraying the Rays: September 2007

Mourhino: The Facts

Mourinho: scared

Spraying the Rays can exclusively reveal the real reason for Jose Mourhino's shock departure from Premier League club Chelsea last night.

In an exclusive interview the Special One revealed his fears over the forthcoming Carling Cup fixture with resurgent Championship club Hull City next Wednesday.

"It's unwinnable," he said in an implausible foreign accent. "Yes of course, I have had some disagreements with Mr Abramovitch. But this is not what keeps me awake at night. These Tigers from Yorkshire, they fill me with mortal dread. I fear that come next Wednesday my eggs will have been well and truly scrambled."

He continued, "Why would a man stay in a burning plane watching the ground hurtle towards him when he can jump to safety? I would be crazy to stay. Your Arsenals, your Man Utds and your Liverpools: these team hold no fear for me. They are pretty boys, they like to play how you say, the pretty football. This is easy for me. But these Hull City; they are men and they play big proper football. My girls are nervous of becoming omelette at Fortress KC on the 21st."

Randomly selected Hull City player

The coach refused to comment on reports that since the draw for the next round was announced there has been a queue of highly paid Premiership players outside his office every morning with notes from their mothers forbidding them to play against "rough northern boys".

However Jose conceded, "It is true that the squad have had some unusual injuries over the last couple of weeks." he said. "Lampard's twisted sock is taking longer than we expected to heal, and Schevchenko's name had been mis-spelled on his shirt again, ruling him out for another month. Thankfully all this is no longer my problem."

Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon adds:

"Thank God for this. I haven't been able to think of anything to blog about for weeks."

Next Week: Hull 1 Chelsea 5: match report

Dear Mr McClaren...

When those other boys Wayne and Frank and David get back off their hols or wherever they've been, please could tell them thanks very much, but you've found some other footballers to play for the team: players who don't seem to have an arrogant expectation of being picked despite a string of disappointing performances, and nor do they give the impression that they don't actually have to work too hard on the pitch as it's only their second team anyway?

Would you be so good as to point out to them that it's been a delight watching an England team play with honest endeavour, desire, and pride, and that Heskey, Barry and Wright-Phillips, to name but four, have more than earned their place in the team?

I'd like to see how Lampard et al react to the being told that he might make the squad but will have to warm the bench and and see if he gets chance to play if someone who actually cares about playing for the national team gets hurt or knackered? What will his army or agents and PR men make of that, eh Mr McClaren? Maybe a strategic injury would avoid embarrassment?

Whilst I'm on the subject...

I wonder if there are any other experienced hard-working footballers who have previously been overlooked for international selection whose skills you might find useful in the remainder of the Euro 2008 campaign?