Drake: I Quit

from our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon

Drake: hits out

Hull City manager Gabrielle Drake sensationally resigned today following last night's shock defeat to Chelsea.

The Tigers were hot favourites to take all three points following their previous victories against London clubs Fulham, Arsenal, Tottenham and West Ham. But goals from Frances Lamplight in the third minute plus two other blokes later on produced the surprise result of the season.


Fan protests have been growing in strength as the crisis torn club has sunk to fifth position in the Premier league. Pressure on the beleaguered boss increased when rumours started to circulate that City Legend Dean Windass (63) was considering a loan move to 3rd division L**ds United having not made the first team squad so far this season.

The club released the following statement from Ms Drake late this afternoon:

"I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that I have taken the club as far as I can. To lose to a bunch of soft southern shandy-swilling showbiz jessies like Chelsea is clearly unacceptable and the fans deserve better. So I am stepping aside to make way for someone else who will take Hull City forward into Europe and I wish him or her the best of luck."

Kelly: new boss?

Bookmakers have made former cabinet minister Ruth Kelly favourite to succeed Ms Drake. Other contenders include US president George Bush and failed comic and broadcaster Russell Brand.




Showbusiness News


from our Beer and Showbiz correspondent Ray Proton


Spraying the Rays Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon was suspended for a period of twelve weeks following remarks made on a late night podcast.


The legendary broadcaster is alleged to have left messages on an answering machine belonging to explorer and potato inventor Sir Francis Drake alleging that he had once had a relationship with the historical figure's great-great-great granddaughter, Gabrielle Drake.


Mr Photon has since made a full and frank apology for the remarks. "I just went too far," he said in a prepared statement. "I deeply regret the offence and embarassment I have caused to Sir Francis and his family and realise that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, and I will say or do anything that might help me hold on to my job. Mind you that Gabs did once look at me in a funny way."

Sir Francis was unavailable for comment.


Next week: Free the Radio Two: Spraying the Rays' campaign to reinstate Brand and Ross gets into gear.

Hull fans' protest gathers pace

From our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon:

Following today's routine 1-0 defeat of West Ham at the KC Stadium, a small but dedicated group of supporters stayed behind to voice their displeasure at the running of the club.

Shouts of "Sack the Board" and "Gabs Out" could be clearly heard as the group demanded an immediate return to the Coca Cola Championship.

Spraying the Rays asked the protestors about their grievances.

"This Premier League lark is bloody boring," said one as he munched his chips. "These pampered primadonnas are too easy to beat. We want to play against teams who can at least give us a game."

He continued, "We used to have much more entertainment in the olden days when we used to play against the likes of Crystal Palace and Brentford. At this rate we'll have to start going to watch L**ds..."

At this point the conversation was suddenly interrupted as the man was led away forcibly by his colleagues.

Meanwhile at a hastily arranged press conference, manager Gabrielle Drake appealed for calm and said that the fans should stick with the club through these difficult times.

"I can sympathise with the fans. This club have waited 104 years to get into the top flight only to find that it's a load of rubbish," said the space-suited supremo.

She continued, "However I'm sure that when we play the likes of Chelsea and Man Utd in the coming weeks we will encounter at least token resistance, rather than the sorry surrenders we have seen at the Emirates, St James' Park and White Hart Lane."

Next week: Following claims of mass hallucinations in the crowd, dope test results from the KC Stadium fail to indicate unauthorised additives to the pies. Hull City really are still in 3rd position in the Premier League.