Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

30 October 2008

Drake: I Quit

from our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon

Drake: hits out

Hull City manager Gabrielle Drake sensationally resigned today following last night's shock defeat to Chelsea.

The Tigers were hot favourites to take all three points following their previous victories against London clubs Fulham, Arsenal, Tottenham and West Ham. But goals from Frances Lamplight in the third minute plus two other blokes later on produced the surprise result of the season.

Fan protests have been growing in strength as the crisis torn club has sunk to fifth position in the Premier league. Pressure on the beleaguered boss increased when rumours started to circulate that City Legend Dean Windass (63) was considering a loan move to 3rd division L**ds United having not made the first team squad so far this season.

The club released the following statement from Ms Drake late this afternoon:

"I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that I have taken the club as far as I can. To lose to a bunch of soft southern shandy-swilling showbiz jessies like Chelsea is clearly unacceptable and the fans deserve better. So I am stepping aside to make way for someone else who will take Hull City forward into Europe and I wish him or her the best of luck."

Kelly: new boss?

Bookmakers have made former cabinet minister Ruth Kelly favourite to succeed Ms Drake. Other contenders include US president George Bush and failed comic and broadcaster Russell Brand.

Showbusiness News

from our Beer and Showbiz correspondent Ray Proton

Spraying the Rays Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon was suspended for a period of twelve weeks following remarks made on a late night podcast.

The legendary broadcaster is alleged to have left messages on an answering machine belonging to explorer and potato inventor Sir Francis Drake alleging that he had once had a relationship with the historical figure's great-great-great granddaughter, Gabrielle Drake.

Mr Photon has since made a full and frank apology for the remarks. "I just went too far," he said in a prepared statement. "I deeply regret the offence and embarassment I have caused to Sir Francis and his family and realise that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, and I will say or do anything that might help me hold on to my job. Mind you that Gabs did once look at me in a funny way."

Sir Francis was unavailable for comment.

Next week: Free the Radio Two: Spraying the Rays' campaign to reinstate Brand and Ross gets into gear.


At 7:00 pm, November 01, 2008, Blogger Howesy said...

Dear Sir,
I wish to register a complaint.
I received a packet (plain brown wrapper) from the Spraying the Rays Adult Entertainment Division, and opened it with relish (chutney if I recall correctly...). Imagine my dismay when I removed a DVD from the packaging and found it wasn't the copy of "Nympho Dwarfs and Disney go to Florida and recreate your favourite animated porn moments" that I'd ordered but "Spike at the Red Lion 1991"!!!!!!!!! Christ on a bike sir, I demand me money back, or some McDonalds vouchers'll do.

At 7:48 pm, November 02, 2008, Blogger Stray Photon said...

Dear Mr Howesey

ON behalf of the Adult Entertainment Division please accept my apologies for this error.

Unfortunately "Nympho Dwarfs..." is currently out of stock so the boys in the warehouse sent you the next most offensive DVD they could find.

For a full refund please return the item in its original packing.

As a goodwill gesture I am sending you a complimentary copy of "Over 60s Disabled Lesbians: The Peanut Butter Tour", which I myself have found most er, satisfactory.

Yours affectionately

Ernest Jism
Director, mail order division

At 10:22 am, November 09, 2008, Blogger Howesy said...

Stray, have you seen this?:


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