Photon: health guru
The government are giving serious consideration to a report from the unofficial Health expert Mr Stray Photon in which he outlines a radically different vision for the future of the NHS to that proposed yesterday by Lord Darzi.
The report was presented at a press conference today in which Mr Photon elaborated on his views.
"With all due respect," he said, "Lord Darzi is talking a load of bollocks. Healthcare policy in the UK is based on a fundamentally unsound premise and unless we adopt a radically different policy, billions of pounds of taxpayers money will continue to disappear into a bottomless pit at an ever increasing rate."
The report introduces a concept known as the Photon Principle, which describes the theory that public health deteriorates to accommodate the available healthcare, rather than the other way round, as had previously been thought.
"We should be looking at actively reducing heathcare provision, not increasing it." continued Photon. "Fewer hospitals, not more. Longer waiting lists, not shorter. As long as there's a spare bed available, there'll be some workshy fop throwing a sickie to try and get in it and bleed more NHS resources from the state."
Swinging the lead
"This money could be better spent on newer, flashier X-ray machines and scanners, which do more of the radiographers' work for them, freeing them up to spend more time writing blogs and googling for images of Billy Piper with hardly any clothes on...er, I mean maintaining their admirable committment to continuing professional development."
Investment in new equipment needed
"It's quite plain to those of us who already work in the industry. We need to stipulate a minimum wait before seeing your doctor rather than a maximum. For example, if your GP's surgery is not open then you can't see your doctor. therefore you are not officially ill. In the time before your GP is available you will probably get better. On the other hand if you are actually properly poorly, you will still be ill when the surgery is open and can then be treated accordingly."
The document proposes some immediate changes in working conditions for heathcare professionals, particularly in the speciality of radiology.
"Radiographers should be able to retire on full pay at the age of 49. In addition the working week can be reduced to 2 days with no significant effect on the nation's health. There would be a knock-on effect of a significant boost to local economies especially in the brewing and catering industries.
The report suggests that radiology staff may cause less disruption to healthcare provision by spending more time at home playing Doom 3 and doing voluntary quality assurance testing on local industry products such as those of the Crane Brewery, Twickenham.
Other radical proposals include all patients having their NHS number tattooed across their forehead as a barcode. This would reduce adverse clinical outcomes due to wrong identification of the patient, and would minimise the need for NHS workers to engage in conversation with The Public. Photon elaborates: "After all most of them are very unpleasant and many have Diseases, especially those in Hospitals."
Prime Minister Gordon Brown is understood to have shown a great interest in the controversial proposals and is planning to invite Mr Photon to present them to the Cabinet in the near future.
Hello Cabinet. These are my plans.
Next Week: Lord Photon turns his attention to the Transport sector. "No Trains; no pain." What is he on about?