Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

03 October 2007

Hull vs London

Kingston upon Hull


Following one or two disappointing football results against London based teams beginning with C, Spraying the Rays attempts to find the definitive answer to the age old question, Hull or London; which is best? We assembled a jury of highly respected cultural commentators, sports pundits and video-gaming drunkards to assess some aspects of this vexing issue.

So lets look at the evidence, shall we?

Round 1: Football

26th September 2007: Hull City 0, Chelsea 4

After a shockingly cynical display of cheating (having better players, playing better football), overpaid pampered Premiership primadonnas Chelsea narrowly squeeze through to the next round of the widely discredited Carling Cup.

3 points to London

2nd October 2007: Hull City 1, Charlton Athletic 2

A frankly comical refereeing display gifts the Addicks 3 points in the increasingly Mickey Mouse-like Coca Cola Championship.

3 points to London

Football songs: Chart-topping Chelsea offer up a rocking version of "Blue is the Colour", while the Tigers counter with a soulful rendition of "Young, Amber and Black"

Hull 6 points, London nul points.

Total so far: too close to call with both cities neck and neck on 6 points each.

Round 2: Famous People

Who has made the most important contributions to our nations culture, sporting heritage and entertainment industry? Spraying the Rays' highly paid research team worked overtime to bring us the following:


Maureen Lipman

Ian Carmichael

Amy Johnson

Lene Lovitch

Roy North

Nick Barmby

Norman Collier

William Wilberforce

Stray Photon

Stray Photon's Dad


Charlie George

Jim Davidson

Brian Thingy out of East 17


A clear victory for the North here; Hull are awarded 3 points.

Round 3: Pop Groups

Needing desperatley to haul in Hull's advantage London offers;

East 17

The Pirhanas

Rolling Stones

A strong hand indeed, you may think. However Hull counter with:


Dead Fingers Talk

That Stuart bloke that played saxaphone with Sade

The Defectors

Hull reply with quantity against quality but wait...what's this? A note handed to the judges points out that the Pirhanas hail from Brighton and therefore are not eligible as a London band. London are therefore disqualified from this round, forfeiting all 4 points to Hull.

Total so far: Hull 13, London 6

Bonus round: Randomly selected LP title:

The Housemartins: London 0 Hull 4 (1992)

3 more points to Hull

With Hull now in a seemingly unassailable lead of 16 points against London's puny total of 6, what can the southern shandy-swillers pull out of the bag?

Final Round: Best looking Sports Personality

London play their joker, autmatically doubling their points as they present:

Jamie Redknapp

Hull counter somewhat hesitantly with...no, surely not...it's...

Dean Windass? Oh, bugger.

London wins the round with 4 points doubled up to 8. Hull meanwhile have 2 points deducted as a penalty for taking the piss. Which leaves the two opponents, incredibly on 14 points each.

It's a tie!

Or is it? Is there any way to seperate these protagonists? The judges are conferring...and yes I have been handed a note...

...and it says that 5 bonus points will be awarded on the basis of the result of the forthcoming fixture between Crystal Place and Hull City this Saturday, 6th October at Selhurst Park.

Blimey. Now they've got something to play for!

Next week: Bridges; who's got the biggest?


At 4:09 pm, October 04, 2007, Blogger Geoff said...

If Dean had had as many hours as Jamie on the treatment table, he'd be the better looking of the two.

At 9:20 pm, October 05, 2007, Blogger Istvanski said...

Ah yes, the Humber Bridge. An impressive example of civil engineering.

But can it accommodate ocean-going cruise liners like the Queen Elizabeth II bridge in Dartford?

And why have there been more than 200 incidents of people jumping or falling from the bridge since it was opened in 1981 with only five surviving?

Throughout the year many people commit or attempt to commit suicide on the Humber Bridge, so local NHS authorities have specialist counsellors, doctors and paramedical staff on call.

So, you see, big is not always best.

At 7:47 pm, October 06, 2007, Blogger Howesy said...

So, the game ends in a draw, I fear another tie-breaker must be found... How about Hull's record against teams beginning with other letters..
Erm, how about, just picked at random you understand, the letter B?


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