Storm clouds gather as Brown faces his darkest hour

Brown, G

With his ratings plummetting in all opinion polls, and facing a resurgent Conservative party under the dynamic leadership of Old Etonian toff David Campervan, things look grim for working class hero and Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown,

But enough of all that bollocks.

The real leadership crisis of the age is at beleagured football club Hull City. Seemingly anchored in the relegation zone of the English Premier League and with only two wins to boast of in the last God knows how long, the football world is holding its breath waiting for the next top flight managerial sacking. At one point last week bookmakers stopped taking bets on Brown getting the push, especially when his staunchest supporter and personal friend, club chairman Paul Duffen resigned.

To make matters worse, former City chairman Adam Pearson returns having last week resigned form the corresponding post at Derby County, and Pearson has previously shown himself to be ruthless in dispensing with underperforming managers such as Jan Molby and Phil Parkinson.

Brown, P

For the record, Spraying the Rays believes that Phil Brown should be given at least until Christmas to Save the Tigers, bearing in mind his achievements at the club over the last two seasons.

However, following Pearson's vote of confidence in Brown today, his days in charge at the KC Stadium seem numbered. So it's time for our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon to looks at the possible contenders jockeying for position to preserve the club's Premiership status:

Keegan, Kevin

Scunthorpe born former Newcastle gaffer: despite his inspirational haircuts, his attacking style might not suit the dour Northern type supporters at Hull City.

Stop Press: Keegan announces his resignation from the race to be new Hull boss: see late editions for full story.

Taylor, Peter

Having steered the club to back to back promotions from League 2 to the Championship under Adam Pearson's previous stint as Chairman, Taylor at least knows the way to the stadium and his famous Norman Wisdom impressions would be sure to raise morale during the dark January of the soul. However if he's not good enough for Crystal Palace...

Windsor, Barbara

Following her decision to stand down from running the Queen Vic in Walford, the busty East Ender should be well versed in keeping control of an unruly mob such as the Hull City squad. (Yes, Bullard, I'm looking at you.) It would also enable Stray Photon to run out the “Two up Front” gag ad nauseum.

Blair, Anthony Charles Lynton (Labour)

Proven leadership qualitise, and Blair might well be tempted by the boss's seat at the KC rather than the Presidency of the European Union. There is some concern however that he might be tempted to deploy troops into West Yorkshire to search for Weapons of Mass Obstruction in the increasingly likely event of Hull City and Leeds United being in the same division next season.

Slade, Russell

Sacked today from League 1 Brighton, he lacks experience of coaching at the top level. However the fact he shares a name with that of a 70's glam rock band makes him a top contender, along with Brentford's "Kenny" Sansom and former Tranmere coach Dave "The" Rubettes.

Windass, Dean

Having recently ended his playing days at Oldham to concentrate on his coaching career, a return to his hometown club would seal "Deano's" status as a local legend, especially if he managed to save the team from the drop to the Championship. Readership of STR expected to fall by 50% in the event of his appointment.

[image deleted for reasons of national security]

Photon, Stray

The obvious choice. However his numerous other committments such as driving for the Ferrari F1 team, judging in Strictly Come Dancing and playing guitar for Oasis, may mean he would not be able to commit fully to the position.

McClaren, Steve

Ginger get. Former midfielder at the club: like Taylor knows his way to the ground but would probably end up at Boothferry Park rather than the KC Stadium. His Dutch accent might cause communication problems with the English members of the squad. Expect him to be in charge by Thursday.


Other candidates may yet be waiting in the wings to throw their hats into the ring, so make sure you visit Spraying the Rays frequently for the latest updates!

Next Week: Spraying the Rays reviews the new Channel 5 drama series "Flash Forward". But then you've probably already read it, haven't you?

Archaeology News

Recent excavations following building work in Twickenham have unearthed some important artefacts. Archaeology correspondent Doug Gently reports:

Hello readers!

Have a look at this:

Thought to date from the mid to late 20th century, this unremarkable piece of green cardboard has been identitifed by experts as a token of admission to an musical event, or a "concert ticket" as it would have been known in the dialect of the time.

But this wasn't just any concert. Using the latest technology, (a technique known as "looking at the date") historians have managed to pinpoint the date of this event as Tuesday 17th February 1976. This was in fact the first concert or "gig" attended by a man who soon afterwards became a legendary guitarist and blogger: Stray "Hairfix" Photon.

But here was more to come. At the same site an unsuspecting archaeology student retrieved this scrap of paper:

Amazingly well preserved, it is thought to be a receipt for the first ever guitar owned by Mr Photon. Now on show at the Hull Museum of Culture (the locked up corrugated shack in the King Billy car park), the significance of this artefact cannot be overestimated. Only 6 months after seeing guitarist Mr Bill Nelson, a leading travelling minstrel of the age, a , the young Photon has saved his pennies to acquire an instrument of his own.

And thus a legend was born.

(Mind you, it could have been that Kid Strange from Doctors of Madness...)


Next Week: My First Bongos: first in a new series exclusive to Spraying the Rays: famous bloggers talk about their first percussive experiences.

City deny Mafia link

Fiorentina coach Roberto Mancini

Hull City Chairman Paul Duffen reacted angrily to press reports linking the East Yorkshire club to Italian organised crime syndicates.

"Rumours suggesting that after a so called "offer I couldn't refuse" we deliberately threw the game against Liverpool last weekend are completely unfounded," said the Tigers' boss.

"The idea that we would lose by such a large margin in order to lull them into a false sense of security prior to their Champion's League fixture this week are frankly laughable" he told Spraying the Rays today.

The Merseyside club humilated Hull in an uncompromising 6-1 defeat on Saturday, but disappointingly capitulated 2-0 to the Italian side Fiorentina at the Artemio Franchi stadium on the following Tuesday.

Other football news: Bookmakers have today stopped taking bets on the likely move of Serie A striker Stefan Jovetic and central defender Dario Dainelli to English Premier league Hull City from Fiorentina when the January transfer window opens.

Next Week: That controversial ending to the final episode of the Sopranos: Spraying the Rays exclusively reveals what really ha

Stray answers Oasis' call as Noel quits

Gallagher: to take role in Coronation Street?

Twickenham guitarist Stray "Disaster" Photon was today being hotly tipped to replaced Noel Gallagher in veteran pub-rock band Oasis following an announcement that Gallagher could no longer work with brother and vocalist Liam.

A spokesman for the Manchester group told Spraying the Rays, "We needed someone who has experience in working with an unpredictable temperamental singer who likes putting on women's clothing and hanging around in bars. Mr Photon was an obvious candidate."

Speaking exclusively to Spraying the Rays, Stray Photon stated that he was "extremely honoured" to be linked with the vacancy; "After all, I can play all three chords, just not necessarily in the right order."

He continued, "It's going to be a busy autumn for me what with the driving job and judging in "Strictly" as well," he said. "But as long as there are no weekend gigs I should be OK to do it."

Other names touted to replace Gallagher are:

Bert Weedon (7/2)
Eric Claptout (8/1)
Noel Gallagher (evens)

Next Week: Photon quits Oasis over "pharmaceutical differences."

Deano denies "fat, ugly" allegations

Windass: not mentioned in this blog

Former Harlequins boss Dean Richards today issued a strong denial that that he was either fat or ugly.

However in an exclusive interview with Spraying the Rays' award winning Beer and Rugger correspondent Stray Photon, the disgraced England rugby legend accepted that he was exceptionally stupid.

Richards resigned from his post as Director of Rugby at the West London club following his role in the Bloodgate affair where winger Tom Williams faked a blood injury during a Heineken Cup match against Leinster.

"Not only have I brought shame upon the once great game of Rugby Union, but I then compounded the shame by admitting that I have done it before," the burly ex-prop forward tearfully told STR.

He continued, "How stupid is that? When I think of how we used to look down our noses at Rugby League and Soccer for their commercialism and tendency to exaggerate injury, now I have made not only myself but the game I love look totally ridiculous."

Meanwhile, following an exciting new commercial partnership with Harlequins RUFC, we can review some exciting new items for sale at the Harlequins club shop:

• Impress you stuck-up poncey chums next time you shed your Barbour jacket in the car park at HQ with the new official Quins club shirt. Only £49.99!
  

• Game not going your way? Then impress the ref instead with this accurate "Cut Kit". Easy and quick to apply! Substitution guaranteed! Only £19.99!
  

• Need that extra impact to get an opponent sent off? Try this amazingly lifelike fake wound with fake glass embedded in it. Only £29.99!
  
  
  
  
• Want a more traditional solution? Try this dual purpose blood substitute. Spice up your half time burger, then hide the bottle down your shorts for that injury time tactical kicking replacement. Tried and tested! Exclusive price for STR readers only £1.25!
  

Next week: How to fake an Anterior Cruciate Ligament rupture. Grab some quality beach time while your team-mates tough it out in the winter mud at Griffin Park, Elland Road and Selhurst!

Photon Steps In as Schumacher Loses Bottle

Schumacher: "too scarey"

Our Motorsport Correspondent Lew Sweelnutt writes:

Following seven times F1 world champion Michael Schumacher's announcement that he is withdrawing from his much anticipated comeback at the Valencia European Grand Prix on August 23rd due to a "pre-existing neck injury", legendary Italian race team Ferrari haved moved quickly to announce his replacement.

Stray "Revs" Photon, a comparitive unknown on the F1 circuit, was presented by Ferrari's president Luca Di Montezemolo at a hastily arranged press conference earlier today.

Schumacher had been lined up to stand in for Felipe Massa who has been sidelined for the rest of the season following a freak accident at the Hungaororing Grand Prix, but in practice has apparently found that the high G-forces experienced during practice have made it impossible to maintain a competitive level of performance.

"I am very sorry that Michael will not be driving for us in Spain," said Mr Di Montezemolo, "but he pulled his neck during a bizarre gardening accident a few months ago and does not feel he is able to compete."

"I am aware that Stray does not have a particularly high profile on the F1 scene," continued the charismatic Italian boss, "but after looking at a brief resume of his past form, I am convinced he is the man to restore the fortunes of the team."

"I can assure the tifosi that they need have no fear for the reputation of Ferrari," said Mr Photon (63). "I have a wealth of competitive experience which I can bring to bear. I have raced these circuits more times than I can remember, for example on Formula 1 05 and 06 on the Sony Playstation, Geoff Crammond's Grand Prix 4 and 2 on the PC, and every version of Codemaster's Touring car series on various formats."

He continued, "I have also competed on Domark's Formula 1 on the Sega Megadrive, and going right back to Pole Position on the good old Sinclair Spectrum. I also have extensive racing experience on the US oval tracks in NASCAR 2003, driven on the world rally circuit in Colin Mcrae Rally 3 and 5, and don't get me started on Super Mario Kart. Frankly I'm surprised that Luca didn't come to me first."

Photon in training for F1 debut

Next week: Ferrari request postponement of European GP due to "a need to reconfigure cockpit dimensions in line with recent technical developments."

Player admits use of fake blood

Following the revelations that Rugby Union player Tom Williams of Harlequins used a theatrical blood capsule to feign injury and gain advantage in a Heineken Cup match last season, Spraying the Rays can reveal that fakery in sport is nothing new.

Former England football captain Terry Butcher confessed exclusively to our award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon:

Butcher: condiment malfunction

"When we played Sweden in '89 we didn't have nothing like these capsules that this fancy dan rugger chap used. We had to improvise in those days. I had a bottle of HP ketchup down my shorts. They was tight shorts as well, so a lot of the oppo thought I was getting a bit too keen in the penalty area, so to speak."

Butcher continued, "Anyway when the ref wasn't looking I decided to get them into a bit of bother. This was before the squeezy plastic bottles so I shook it and shook it and then suddenly it all come out at once. I have felt like I've been living a lie ever since and it's just a relief to get the truth out after all these years."

Butcher is not the only England soccer legend to use props to enhance his image. Paul Gascoigne's famous tears a year later in the Italia 90 World Cup semi-final were not, it transpires, entirely genuine. Gazza told us the truth over a pint or two of Twickenham Fine Ales' "Naked Ladies" bitter:

Gazza: big girl

"Why aye, man. The gaffer told us that we needed a bit of theatre to upset the Krauts, so he gave me an onion and said to stick it down me kegs. When I got booked like, out it comes and I blub like a bairn. The idea was to get the Germans to feel sorry for us and let us win, only it didn't work."

Spraying the Rays can also exclusively reveal that the breasts exhibited by Gascoigne on the England squad's open top bus after the tournament were also almost certainly fake.

Gazza: two up front

Runours have persisted about another gifted footballer from the North. Darlington assistant coach and former North Ferriby United player Dean Windass has revealed that for his entire playing career he wore a rubber face mask to strike fear into the heart of opposing defenders. Here's what he really looks like:

Windass: unmasked

Next Week: After a grilling from Stray Photon, David Beckham admits faking fractured metatarsal "for insurance purposes".

Vinny checks for onions