Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

26 November 2006

Product Recall Notice

Hello readers!

As A. Radiographer working in the field of Nuclear Medicine, I am often approached by shady characters in oversized overcoats and big hats who comment to me in outrageous Eastern European accents;

"The swallows are unusually early this spring."

to which I reply;

"And the prevailing wind is unusual for this time of year in that it is mainly easterly."

They will then ask if I have any spare Polonium 210 lying around at work. "We need it for what you might call, um, a pest control issue?" they say, and give me a knowing look.

Well, as a Guardian reader I am all in favour of recycling unused material which otherwise would just lie around gathering dust in a Controlled Radioactive Waste Area, so I just let them help themselves.

However it has recently come to my attention that some of this stuff is not, as I had been led to believe, being used to control the rat problem in the basements of former Iron Curtain nations' London embassies, but for an altogether more sinister purpose.

There's always someone who spoils it for everyone else, isn't there? I know this a frightful inconvenience what with Christmas just round the corner, but unfortunately I am forced to announce to my customers that I will be unable to supply the following radioactive isotopes with immediate effect:

Technetium 99m: Of limited value to the afficianado; this colourless liquid emitts only Gamma rays and therefore can do very little damage. With a half life of only 6 hours it is really only any use for combining with various pharmaceuticals and squirting into ill people to try and see what's wrong with them.

Caesium 137: emitts Gamma rays and Beta particles and glows with a blue light which makes it very useful for Christmas decorations. However please remember DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN (OR ADULTS) IN A ROOM CONTAINING UNSHIELDED SOURCES. Half life 30 years which gives it a good shelf life.

Radium 226: With a half life of 1602 years, this is the gift that just keeps on giving.

No alternative products are available. No refunds will be offered for orders already placed. Spraying The Rays Enterprises accepts no liablility for any injury, disease, hair loss, damage to gastro intestinal or reproductive function, chromosomal defects, carcinogenesis or "diplomatic embarrassment" between nations as a result of the use of any of its products.

If any readers are still in posession of any of the above products please flush them down the toilet immediately and leave the country for at least 6 weeks.

Next week: Spraying the Rays asks: Why have previously sane, well balanced individuals been supporting Man Utd over recent days? Are mind-altering rays from Polonium 210 to blame?


At 9:40 pm, November 27, 2006, Blogger Istvanski said...

Is it OK if I flush the stocks that I obtained from you down a chemical toilet. I'm hiding out in the countryside...

At 12:03 am, November 28, 2006, Blogger Stray Photon said...

There could be an interesting reaction with the chemicals in the toilet, plus whatever else is in there; this depends on diet. We could be on the verge of a major scientific discovery. Go ahead and take notes.

At 5:59 am, November 28, 2006, Blogger Howesy said...

We've all seen the curry that Ister had the other day, I think we could be in big trouble folks...

At 1:25 pm, November 28, 2006, Anonymous Det Chief Inspector Tennison said...

I am arresting you on suspicion of conspiracy to aid and abet the Kremlin in the murder of KGB defector, Alexander Litvinenko. It is alleged that on 15 October you did supply a small quantity of radioactive thallium in the knowledge that this said substance would be used in a terrorist act. It is further alleged that your friend, KGB agent Istvanski, collaborated with you in the disposal, down the loo, of the quantities of thallium that were not used.

You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

Best to keep quiet then eh???

You really are very funny you know. I thought of you on Friday when I was once again at x-ray and nearly wandered into the nuclear medicine dept by mistake. A nurse ushered me out.

At 5:51 pm, November 28, 2006, Blogger Stray Photon said...

Holy Crap! DC Tennison!

Get back copper; don't come any closer or I'll drop this vial, wcich will shatter into a thousand tiny pieces, spilling it's deadly contents of...oh bugger, I picked up the wrong one...well anyway this X-Lax will give us the runs for a couple of days...bollocks. OK, it's a fair cop, but society's to blame.

[holds out hands to be cuffed]

At 5:57 pm, November 28, 2006, Blogger Stray Photon said...

Howesey; This is a valid point. If critical mass is reached leading to a chain reaction, it could take out most of Croydon, causing maybe two, even three hundred pounds worth of damage.

At 10:01 am, November 29, 2006, Anonymous Top of the Table Tess said...

Sorry to venture off the subject of radioactive isotopes, Croydon and chemical toilets, pleasant though those subjects are of course.

But did you see the table last night? We are top for the first time in 55 years.

Sorry about your result and all that - but hey, have a drink on me tonight, all of you. Actually you should all get so pissed to celebrate PNE's success that you vomit in as many chemical toilets as you can.

At 12:09 pm, November 29, 2006, Anonymous bottom of the table trac said...

Yes, I live very near Charlton!

At 2:23 pm, November 29, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooh Bottom of the Table Trac (BOTTT?) I didn't realise you spoke footie too.



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