Lampard plan backfires

Lampard: "that fiver's in the post, Ref..."

England international Francis Lampard was cruelly foiled in his attempt to avoid facing a resurgent Hull City at Stamford Bridge today when the red card shown during last week's Liverpool game was rescinded by the FA. According to sources close to Chelea, the public school educated midfielder allegedly set out deliberately to get himself banned for today's potentially bruising mid-table Premiership clash.

Rumours have persisted that the Lampard had previously been offering substantial cash incentives to his fellow players to inflict a minor injury in training to enable him to "throw a sickie" for the much dreaded encounter with the Tigers.

Furious Chelsea boss "Big" Phil Scolari spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent "Large" Stray Photon:

"This Lampard boy, he big girl's blouse," he said in a beguiling foreign accent. "He on phone every day, he say is rough boys play for Hull City and his dad tell him not to go. I tell him, Deano no longer Tiger, but he thinks I make it up."

It is thought Lampard may be dropped from the squad at the last moment following a report that the pavement outside his house is "a bit slippery because of all the snow and that."

City are expected to field a weakened team this afternoon so as to give key players a rest before next Saturday's vital FA cup tie against Sheffield United.

Next week: after Hull's record 11-0 defeat to Chelsea, Spraying the Rays poses the question: is the Coca-Cola Championship the future for top-class soccer?