Bates: Stick With Us

Batey

Leeds United chairman Ken Bates today launched an imapassioned plea to supporters of the 3rd division team to show loyalty following their failure to overcome Doncaster Rovers in the playoff final last month.

"I accept that our supporters have had a huge disappointment this season," continued the former Chelsea supremo, "but we want them to show their support for United at this difficult time. The last thing this club needs is for fans to be tempted to switch their allegiance to a more glamorous Premier League club like, say, Hull City."

Bates put the blame for the team's current predicament squarely down to poor personnel choices for key battles.

"Our legal team were clearly not up to the challenge facing them," Bates concluded.

City Boss Snubs Blues

Hull City supremo Stray Photon issued a "Hands Off Gabs" warning to Chelsea as the shandy-swilling London team continued their search for a replacement for the departed Avram Grant.

The relatively inexperienced Gabrielle Drake was appointed as the Tigers' manager in December 2006 in a move which shocked the footballing world. However she has since repaid the faith shown in her by Mr Photon as she steered the team to promotion to the Premier League via the play-off final last month.

"Mr Abramovitch can offer all the money he wants, but Gabs is going nowhere," stated the elegantly dressed Photon at a hastily arranged press conference.

Drakey

Sitting beside the chairman , Ms Drake categorically denied any interest in the London job.

"Why would I want to move to a team who are on the way down?" said the purple-wigged gaffer, exchanging a knowing look with her boss. "What have Chelsea won this season? Even Spurs beat them in the Coco-Clown Cup, or whatever it's called this week. Great things are happening here at Hull. I can confidently predict that we will spend the whole of the forthcoming season at a higher position in the Football League than we have ever achieved before."

Meanwhile bookmakers are refusing to take any further bets on City legend and Wembley goalscorer Dean Windass winning the coveted BBC Sports Personality of the Year in November.

Torvill (out of shot) and Deano

"It's nailed on," said a spokesman for Ladbrokes, while a representative of Paddy Power, a Mr P Power, added, "Who else has achieved enough this year to earn the right to stand alongside former winners of the calibre of Torvill and Dean, Fatima Whitbread and Princess Anne?"

Next week: Ronaldo speaks exclusively to Spraying the Rays about his "dream move" to the KC Stadium