Community Payback My Arse...

On the other side it says "Community Payfront"

On the last two Sundays I have walked to our local shopping Mecca (Whitton High Street) via an underpass going beneath a busy dual carriageway. On both occasions I have had to run the gauntlet of a group of about a dozen sullen looking offenders in fluorescent jackets with "Community Payback" emblazoned on the back.

They were painting the roof of the passageway. I assume this was the idea anyway. They appeared to have 2 rollers between them. On the first occasion one of their supervisors was actually doing the painting while his charges stood around watching or texting their mates.

The general idea seemed to be to get as much paint on the ground as possible so as to leave the underpass in a far worse state than when they arrived. I assume the council-tax payers of Richmond will have to foot the bill when the mess is cleared up.

Bring back the chain-gang, that's what I say.

On the following Sunday they were back. This time they only had one paint roller between 11 of them. I presume one of them had stolen the other one. At least this time one of the offenders was doing the Jackson Pollock impression on the pavement. Again, the rest of them seemed to have nothing to do apart from standing around, playing with their phones or eating their sandwiches.

I have no idea what they had done to incur such a punishment. None of my business, one might say. But I don't see how this is going to make them any less likely to steal, kill, or break wind in a public place in the future.

er... apparently it IS art...

That night though, I had a dream. I returned to the underpass. The community payback team were still there. But this time there was something unsettlingly familiar about them as I managed to steal a furtive glance at the unsavoury collection of humanity.

That dodgy looking bloke with the spiky hair avoiding my gaze…blimey, doesn’t he look like John Terry? The pasty faced bloke trying to paint the ceiling? His first touch was awful, paint dribbling everywhere except where he wanted it…bugger me, it’s Wayne Rooney!

The silly sod juggling with the paint can before spilling it all over the floor? It can only be Robert Green. And the arrogant looking pair staring at the white emulsion, not comprehending why it isn’t just going on the walls without them doing anything about it? It’s Plank Lampard and L’il Stevie Gerrard.

What a bunch of villains. Their crime? Fooling us all yet again into thinking that they gave half a flying fart about playing for England. Community payback? My arse. String ‘em up. It’s the only language they understand.

Next Week: Liberal Democrat MP’s Nick Clegg, Vince Cable and Danny Alexander don the fluorescent orange in a attempt to pay back the community for their crime of enabling a Conservative government, despite the fact that the only reason that most of us voted for them was to keep the Tories out. Member for Yeovil David Laws also turned up but had to go home early.