Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

08 January 2007

Ruth Kelly defends decision

In a hastily arranged press conference today Ruth Kelly, Communities Secretary and former Education minister tearfully explained her decision to send one of her children to a non-State school.

"It hasn't been easy," she confessed to journalists. "The family has been through a very stressful time. But it has become apparent that the boy has educational needs which can't be met at the local state school, and I reluctantly made this decision of the basis of what I think is best for him."

When pressed to clarify the situation Ms Kelly went on, "First there were the never ending letters, all written in that awful green ink. Then there was that half giant stalking up and down our street. I mean, think what that does to property prices round here? And those potions; the stench...I couldn't use the kitchen for days after he'd been working on one of his so called projects. And all that owl crap; it's hell to get off the pebble dashing."

She continued, "Then we started getting complaints from the school. Other parents weren't happy with their offspring coming home with pigs tails or covered in boils. Just youthful high spirits, I called it. But when the Dementors started showing up we knew we had to do something."

"I will never forget seeing him through the wall at King's Cross. But I have no regrets. I realise this may cause some embarrassment to the Government but when it's your own child you have to put them first."

When asked whether there was a history of witchcraft or wizardry in her family, Ms Kelly strongly denied this and then turned our Education correspondent into a newt.

The current Education secretary Alan Johnson has said that rumours around Westminster that the GCSE exams were to be superceded by OWLS, or Ordinary Wizarding Levels in the forthcoming shake-up of the education system were untrue.

Professor Dumbledore was unavailable for comment.

In other news: the British Blogging industry today finally returned to something approaching full capacity as bloggers returned to their desks after the long festive break and immediately sought ways to avoid doing any work.


At 9:16 am, January 10, 2007, Blogger Howesy said...

I have some questions for the Spraying the Rays parliamentary correspondant. What the frig does a "Communities Sectretary" do?
Does she buy her clothes in Diagon Alley?
Does Paddy Ashdown have a basilisk in his trousers or is he just pleased to see us?
Sirius Black, is he New Labour or just mis-understood magician type fella?
Answers on a postcard please.


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