Nuclear Update: More Po210 Found?

Hull City’s KC Stadium (more properly known as the Circle) and the club’s Cottingham training ground were last night being cordoned off as Government Officials in White Coats and Geiger Counters moved in to investigate whether the presence of Polonium 210 was the cause of the teams disastrous drop in form which earlier in the evening saw them capitulate 5-1 to Colchester United. A club spokesman said, “It’s either Russian death rays, or they’re just bloody rubbish.”

Spraying the Rays' nuclear correspondent Stray Photon commented, "They don't know what they're doing. You can't detect Alpha particles with a geiger counter. And what's Forster doing on his own up front?"

In a related investigation, Noraid are understood to be tracking another consignment of the debilitating substance which was most recently located in the Brisbane region of Australia last week.

In another apparently related issue. a prominent West London radiographer has gone missing after evading arrest. A Mr Stray Photon (no relation, at least that's what he told STR), of Twickenham, Middlesex was apparently under investigation by the police following a posting on his “blog” in which several radioactive isotopes were seemingly being supplied to agencies of the former USSR. A Detective Chief Inspector Tennison released the following statement:

“We ‘ad ‘im bang to rights and no mistake. ‘E promised to come quietly, and said it was a “fair cop”. We bundled ‘im into the back of the van, shame ‘e bumped ‘is ‘ead on the way in, but accidents will ‘appen, and we was ‘alfway to the station when my sergeant noticed a weird glow and a smell of burning from behind us. Stone me, ‘e got clean away,. There was an ’uge ‘ole in the side of the van and all that was left was an eerie green phosphorescence.”

Members of the public are advised not to approach Mr Photon under any circumstance but instead to contact their local nuclear research facility.

Environmental news: Sir David Attenborough has announced a new documentary series in which he will depict the sad plight of several indigenous species which have recently come under threat of extinction. These include a rare species of Bee found in West London, a colony of Eagles in Sarf London, and most tragically a seemingly doomed species of Tiger found in East Yorkshire. The series will air next summer when it will all be too late anyway.

Science news: Reports from Lancashire suggest that a laboratory in Preston has discovered how to reverse the polarity of Alpha rays emitted by Polonium 210 in order to artificially enhance athletic and sporting ability. Early results are promising but it is feared that the effects may only be temporary and that within a couple of months performance levels will return to normal leading to the usual mid-table mediocrity.

Next week: Dean Windass: new pictures