Spraying the Rays

The Alternative Radiographer

29 November 2006

Nuclear Update: More Po210 Found?

Hull City’s KC Stadium (more properly known as the Circle) and the club’s Cottingham training ground were last night being cordoned off as Government Officials in White Coats and Geiger Counters moved in to investigate whether the presence of Polonium 210 was the cause of the teams disastrous drop in form which earlier in the evening saw them capitulate 5-1 to Colchester United. A club spokesman said, “It’s either Russian death rays, or they’re just bloody rubbish.”

Spraying the Rays' nuclear correspondent Stray Photon commented, "They don't know what they're doing. You can't detect Alpha particles with a geiger counter. And what's Forster doing on his own up front?"

In a related investigation, Noraid are understood to be tracking another consignment of the debilitating substance which was most recently located in the Brisbane region of Australia last week.

In another apparently related issue. a prominent West London radiographer has gone missing after evading arrest. A Mr Stray Photon (no relation, at least that's what he told STR), of Twickenham, Middlesex was apparently under investigation by the police following a posting on his “blog” in which several radioactive isotopes were seemingly being supplied to agencies of the former USSR. A Detective Chief Inspector Tennison released the following statement:

“We ‘ad ‘im bang to rights and no mistake. ‘E promised to come quietly, and said it was a “fair cop”. We bundled ‘im into the back of the van, shame ‘e bumped ‘is ‘ead on the way in, but accidents will ‘appen, and we was ‘alfway to the station when my sergeant noticed a weird glow and a smell of burning from behind us. Stone me, ‘e got clean away,. There was an ’uge ‘ole in the side of the van and all that was left was an eerie green phosphorescence.”

Members of the public are advised not to approach Mr Photon under any circumstance but instead to contact their local nuclear research facility.

Environmental news: Sir David Attenborough has announced a new documentary series in which he will depict the sad plight of several indigenous species which have recently come under threat of extinction. These include a rare species of Bee found in West London, a colony of Eagles in Sarf London, and most tragically a seemingly doomed species of Tiger found in East Yorkshire. The series will air next summer when it will all be too late anyway.

Science news: Reports from Lancashire suggest that a laboratory in Preston has discovered how to reverse the polarity of Alpha rays emitted by Polonium 210 in order to artificially enhance athletic and sporting ability. Early results are promising but it is feared that the effects may only be temporary and that within a couple of months performance levels will return to normal leading to the usual mid-table mediocrity.

Next week: Dean Windass: new pictures

10 Comments:

At 12:35 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger Howesy said...

Given your new found status as "fugitive from justice", I'm glad your not coming round on Friday.
And if I see that Attenborough fella, I'll give him a piece of moi moind, see if i don't...

 
At 1:26 pm, November 29, 2006, Anonymous Deepdale Duck said...

I'm still table top dancing!!

 
At 1:30 pm, November 29, 2006, Anonymous Top of the Table Tess said...

You are so so funny, Stray. I shall have to stop saying it really or people will think you have been taking part in the latest Parexel drug trials.

Right I'm taking that duck out to lunch!

 
At 4:16 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger Istvanski said...

Has no one else cottoned on to the fact that Parky was Colchester's last manager?
I think there is a journalistic link here that needs to be properly investigated. Furthermore, it sounds more sinister than what has recently happened with ex-KGB agents.
I mean 5 - 1? What the hell is going on, Moneypenny?

 
At 6:18 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger Stray Photon said...

Please don't stop TotTT, if you don't tell me, how will I know? It's only your kind comments that keep this rickety old blog on the web!

And Istvanski, you're right. I'l lget the crack STR investigactive team on to it straight away.

Oh, and you ain't seen me, right?

 
At 7:21 pm, November 29, 2006, Anonymous G. Dyke of brentford said...

As official spokesbee for the west london hive, I formally request C.I. Tennison to investigate the isotope poisoning at the Park of Griffin. This must be done sharpish or we'll be going to... I can hardly say it... Rochdale...

Please help.

 
At 9:12 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger Molly Bloom said...

Hark at you and Tessers! I think you ought to put that radioactive stuff back where you found it Stray. I really do.

 
At 9:17 pm, November 29, 2006, Anonymous I. Dowie of No-Man's Land said...

Did someone ask for pest control?
We specialise in over-grown birds...

 
At 10:48 pm, December 02, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not the best day, footballwise really, was it? You were doing OK at h/t too.

So we are second from top and you are second from bottom!!!

 
At 10:11 am, December 03, 2006, Blogger Stray Photon said...

Grim.

 

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