Spraying the Rays

Today at Turnham Green

2011-03-29T19:55:00.004Z

Hello Readers!

I took this photograph this morning with my wireless telephone device at Turnham Green:

But tell me this; why should shepherds have their own public transport?

I mean, just how many sheep do you see wandering round Chiswick anyway?

Just wondering...

Bye!

Concert Review: The Monochrome Set

2011-02-28T21:20:00.008Z

at the 100 Club, 26th February 2011

From our Premier Pop Pundit Stray Photon;

The Monochrome Set, not in 2011 and not at the 100 Club

(Photo by Alex Ogg and used without permission)

Hello Readers!

I make it a rule to see The Monochrome Set at least every thirty years. Last time was at the Wellington Club in Hull in July 1979, and a fine evening it was: the band played in the downstairs hall and under lighting so subdued that we could hardly see them: instead they played the lights on the audience who danced the night away as though the Set were just the best house band ever. A most harmonious atmosphere was generatedm, in stark contrast to some of the more, er, let’s say confrontational bands who graced the venue around the same time, for example the UK Subs and the Angelic Upstarts.*

Their first two albums “Strange Boutique” and “Love Zombies” have been favourites to which I keep returning, along with an early single “Eine Symphonie Des Grauens”. But I must confess to not having made a great effort to investigate further their musical output or live work.

They were the sort of band that just shouldn’t work. They didn’t sing about topics that proper rock groups covered, and made no effort to disguise their intellect and wit. The music seemed to be influenced by just about anything: surf, jazz, Beefheart, country. But somehow it all worked rather well and always ended up sounding like The Monochrome Set.

So to the 100 Club on Oxford Street. I understand the venue is under threat, and it would be a real shame for it to disappear: the smell of hot valves and stale spilled beer as you descend to the basement from an unassuming entrance recalls memories of a hundred previous gigs; good, bad and Legendary...

The Set set came after a number of bands who were playing as part of the Popfest series of concerts. “Bearsuit” preceded them and they seemed interesting enough to justify my chasing them up via Wiki and YouTube; turns out that they are better known than I realised and in fact had done a few sessions for the John Peel. Shows what an out of touch old fart I am.

And then on came the Monochrome Set. Singer Bid very unassuming and charming, and guitarist Lester Square resplendent in a shirt louder than his amp and a magnificent moustache. They started with “The Monochrome Set (I Presume)” and I was surprised at how much of their early material they played. Highlights for me were B-I-D spells Bid, Alphaville, and Cowboy Country.

The sound was frankly poor for most of the set, I imagine at least partly due to the fact that they were the last of many bands and any soundcheck they might have done earlier in the day was no longer relevant. At times they seemed unsure of each other as if they hadn’t played together in a while, and guess what: it was the first UK gig since 1996.

Despite all this the quality and quirkiness of their material shone through and I wasn’t disappointed. They are doing a series of dates around Europe and Japan over the next few months and this should give them a chance to reacquaint themselves with each other, so the gig scheduled for Dingwall’s on 12th July should be well worth a visit.

Next Week: Why I was never in The Red Guitars; Photon tells all.

*Actually the Angelic Upstarts didn’t show up. The promoter Tony Menzies got a phone call from the band that morning to say they were having a dispute with their manager and he had locked up their gear. The Upstarts hailed from Sunderland and were one of the original skinhead “Oi” bands (although I seem to recall their politics were distinctly left wing as opposed to most of the similar groups who cropped up in their wake). They were reputed to rouse their fans by kicking a pigs head around on stage. Blimey. So with them not turning up and there being no way in the pre text/Twitter days to alert their fans to this fact, Tony had to find a substitute band; enter the Defectors who were originally booked as support act and just happened to live in the same building at the time (well two of them anyway) and featured a young Stray Photon on guitar.

We played, ably supported by last minute additions to the bill The Z Men, somehow placated the Upstarts’ followers and no animals were harmed during the evening’s entertainment.

DVD review: Harry Brown

2011-01-31T22:40:00.005Z

Spraying the Rays' award winning film critic Frank Lee Ludicrous writes:

Bloody hell, what a downer, man.

Mind you that Michael Caine is good.

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off." That was him, wasn't it?

"The Long Good Friday." I liked that one too.

Although it might not have been him at all, now I think about it.

Still a bloody good film though.

("The Long Good Friday", I mean. "Harry Brown" is rubbish.

Night night.

Latest tranfer deadline news: Tonight's News International phone hacking results. Windass to step into Andy Gray's shoes?

Stray Photon's In-Depth Review of 2010

2010-12-31T17:14:00.007Z

Not one of my favourite years...

April 2010

May 2010

Next Week: Predictions for 2011: "grim."

Stray's Resolution for the New Year: "Do More Blog!"

Spraying the Rays wishes a Happy New Year to both our readers. (that's me and Mrs P; the latter only because I make her look at it as I ask "Is this funny?" - to which the answer is, invariably, a deep sigh, a roll of the eyes, and a turn on the heel.)

May 31 1920 - February 21 2010

Rescue attempt fails...

2010-10-12T21:05:00.007Z

Fab: not

Spraying the Rays can exclusively reveal that the Football Association have approached the Chilean government regarding the availability of the San Jose mine after the expected rescue of the 33 trapped miners in the next few hours.

England manager Fabio Capello told STR’s award-winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon that he had asked the FA to secure the facility for use as the team’s next training camp;

“It would be ideal for us. After failing to beat Montenegro at Wembley, my boys want to disappear into the biggest hole we can find.”

Next week: The Con-Lib Coalition goverment denies responsibility for England's poor football performance; "David has told me to say that it's all due to Gordon Brown's mismanagement of the economy," says Nick Clegg.

New Reader for Spraying the Rays!

2010-09-21T18:11:00.012Z

Hello readers!

And a specially big "Hello" to Spraying the Rays’ newest reader, A. Banerjee of Mumbai, India.

On 21st August 2006 I wrote a post extolling the virtues of the Matchbox Motorway slot car system. You can read the original post here. It was my 2nd ever blog posting.

The Photon family at play

And at 10.29 on 30th July 2010, after long and careful deliberation, Mr. (or could it be Miss? Hmmm…) Banerjee replied:

“I own a Matchbox Motorway Set purchased in the UK in 1973.It is in working condition. Is anyone interested to own it?

A. Banerji, Mumbai, India”

See? I knew someone still read this thing. Wait till I show Mrs P.

Next Week: Internet speeds in third World "worse than Virgin Broadband"; Spraying the Rays investigates.

Pope in Photon snub shock

2010-09-17T17:24:00.006Z

Legendary blogger and philanthropist Stray Photon was today said to be outraged when His Holiness the Pope failed to attend a prearranged meeting on the Twickenham leg of his state visit to the UK.

“I’m outraged,” Photon told Spraying the Rays’ religious correspondent insert funny name here. “There I was left sitting on my own in the beer garden of the Rifleman and he never showed up. I’d even got him a pint of Twickenham Fine Ales “Naked Ladies” in so that he could sample some authentic local produce. I had to drink both pints myself.”

When we asked whether he thought the Pontiff’s absence might have been related to the fact that Mr Photon was not a Roman Catholic, Stray looked surprised and said, “Oh. He’s a Catholic then, is he, this Pope bloke?”

Next Week: Deputy PM Nick Clegg joins Strictly Come Dancing line up. “David said to me ‘You might as well, there’s nothing for you to do around here…’”

Book Review

2010-09-10T18:59:00.005Z

The Fallen: Life In and Out of Britain’s Most Insane Group

by Dave Simpson

Dave Simpson, Guardian journalist, sets out to track down the 50 odd ex-members of Manchester’s legendary group The Fall. A bloody good read. A fascinating insight into the workings of the band and in particluar the modus operandi of their enigmatic frontman Mark E Smith.

After reading it I found myself going back to my record collection and listening to all of my Fall record (Live at the Witch Trials).

But it also made me wonder, why was I never in the Fall? After all I can do Dour and Northern along with the best of them…and as for untrained and haphazard musicianship, I’m the Master!

But the Fall Call never came.

(TV tip: don’t miss the documentary on BBC3 tonight at 21.25: The Strange and Frightening World of Mark E Smith. Of course if you’re watching the repeat of this blog you’ve missed it. It was very good.)

In the spirit of The Fallen, Spraying the rays decided to embark on a similar project We set out to track down all of the rockstar ex-partners of Patsy Kensit, actress, singer and now contestant on the new series of Strictly Come Dancing! (Yes dance fans, it’s back, and starts tomorrow! – or last Thursday if you’re reading this on UK Gold…)

Kensit: "oh no, they've not found Photon, have they?"

We all know about Jim Kerr, Liam Gallagher and Bert Weedon, but less is known about the stormy two week marriage Ms Kensit embarked on in the early Seventies with a slightly lesser known pop legend.

Spraying the Rays managed to find Patsy’s first rock’n’roll hubby, Stray Photon, in the less than glamorous surroundings of the Rifleman public house in Twickenham apparently under the influence of several pints of Twickenham Fine Ales. He spoke exclusively to our Showbusiness Correspondent, Horizontal Dave:

“Yeah, man, I knew Patsy, we was both very young in them days though, shame it didn’t work out. Lovely girl. Very big feet.”

We also spoke to the current Mrs Photon. She told Spraying the Rays, "Are you still doing that stupid thing? Blogging is so 2007. Why don't you Twitter like everyone else? Then at least you'd be limited to only 43 char

Next Week: Spraying the Rays speaks to Liam Gallagher. He tells us to f**k off.

Lucan Denies Tory Link

2010-08-30T10:44:00.006Z

Lucan: fags

Following the return to the UK of former Poly Peck chief executive Asil Nadir to face charges of false accounting and theft arising from the collapse of the company, disgraced peer Lord Lucan has denied that there is any connection between his reappearance in the UK after 35 years and the re-election of a Conservative government.

Richard John Bingham, the 7th Earl of Lucan disappeared from public life in November 1974 following the murder of the family’s nanny in what was thought to be a botched attempt on the life of his estranged wife.

Lord Lucan spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays’ ace crime reporter Stray Photon.

“I had no idea there was such a to-do over my absence. After all I just popped down to the newsagent for a packet of fags, and well, one thing led to another and I ended up popping over the Channel to see some chums for a while.”

“Damn shame about the Rivett girl, but crikey, why the fuss? Easy enough to find another nanny I would have thought.”

“And all this mischief linking me with the frightful business is just frankly laughable. Why, I wouldn’t know one end of a piece of lead pipe from the other.”

Legal experts have voiced the opinion that it is probably too long since the murder for a trial to proceed with any chance of reaching a safe conclusion. Speculation that the UK government would be reluctant to prosecute a member of the ruling class was wide of the mark, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg told Spraying the Rays:

“David has told me to say that the past is the past. After all, we are now in the 21st century and it would be just callous to prosecute an old man. Our new Big Society must be able to show forgiveness and let bygones be bygones, especially to a chap who went to Eton like Cammers.”

Next Week: Racing Tips: Shergar to place in the 3.20 at Doncaster. And as Buddy Holly’s plane finally lands, we ask how his brand of fresh-faced guitar pop will go down with today’s I-pod generation.

Godfather of Punk in "Fraud" Shock

2010-07-28T19:18:00.005Z

"can these poor teeth take so much kicking?" - Brian Eno

Hello readers!

You know, every now and then life deals you a setback that makes you stop and think, “is it all really worth it?” That sick feeling in the stomach when you realise that what you held to be a Fundamental Truth turns out to be false.

For example when the reality dawned that there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq to justify the allied invasion…

Or when you realised (as of course we all do eventually) that Paul Weller is average rather than a genius…

Weller: substitute

And of course we will all remember where we were when we heard the Liberal Democrats were just like all the other political parties, prepared to sacrifice their principles for power, and were going to shore up the Tories in a “coalition” government…

Readers, today I have had another such tragic moment;

Plastic Bertrand, the REAL Godfather of Punk, may not have sung on “Ca Plane Pour Moi”.

Bertrand: my generation

Just pause for a moment and let this shocking possibility sink in.

Surely this is like hearing that Shakespeare may not have been the true author of his plays?

Without Plas, as his true fans know him, we wouldn’t have had the Sex Pistols, The Smiths, or James Blunt.

Life today would not be what it is. We would still be listening to “Tales from Topographic Oceans” or going to ELP concerts.

ELP: won't get fooled again

So now it seems my whole life since 1977 has been built on a lie.

What next readers? It’s all too much. I can’t go on. This blog is now suspended until further notice.

Next Week: Existence of Father Christmas “in doubt”: Spraying the Rays investigates.

Community Payback My Arse...

2010-07-12T21:39:00.007Z

On the other side it says "Community Payfront"

On the last two Sundays I have walked to our local shopping Mecca (Whitton High Street) via an underpass going beneath a busy dual carriageway. On both occasions I have had to run the gauntlet of a group of about a dozen sullen looking offenders in fluorescent jackets with "Community Payback" emblazoned on the back.

They were painting the roof of the passageway. I assume this was the idea anyway. They appeared to have 2 rollers between them. On the first occasion one of their supervisors was actually doing the painting while his charges stood around watching or texting their mates.

The general idea seemed to be to get as much paint on the ground as possible so as to leave the underpass in a far worse state than when they arrived. I assume the council-tax payers of Richmond will have to foot the bill when the mess is cleared up.

Bring back the chain-gang, that's what I say.

On the following Sunday they were back. This time they only had one paint roller between 11 of them. I presume one of them had stolen the other one. At least this time one of the offenders was doing the Jackson Pollock impression on the pavement. Again, the rest of them seemed to have nothing to do apart from standing around, playing with their phones or eating their sandwiches.

I have no idea what they had done to incur such a punishment. None of my business, one might say. But I don't see how this is going to make them any less likely to steal, kill, or break wind in a public place in the future.

er... apparently it IS art...

That night though, I had a dream. I returned to the underpass. The community payback team were still there. But this time there was something unsettlingly familiar about them as I managed to steal a furtive glance at the unsavoury collection of humanity.

That dodgy looking bloke with the spiky hair avoiding my gaze…blimey, doesn’t he look like John Terry? The pasty faced bloke trying to paint the ceiling? His first touch was awful, paint dribbling everywhere except where he wanted it…bugger me, it’s Wayne Rooney!

The silly sod juggling with the paint can before spilling it all over the floor? It can only be Robert Green. And the arrogant looking pair staring at the white emulsion, not comprehending why it isn’t just going on the walls without them doing anything about it? It’s Plank Lampard and L’il Stevie Gerrard.

What a bunch of villains. Their crime? Fooling us all yet again into thinking that they gave half a flying fart about playing for England. Community payback? My arse. String ‘em up. It’s the only language they understand.

Next Week: Liberal Democrat MP’s Nick Clegg, Vince Cable and Danny Alexander don the fluorescent orange in a attempt to pay back the community for their crime of enabling a Conservative government, despite the fact that the only reason that most of us voted for them was to keep the Tories out. Member for Yeovil David Laws also turned up but had to go home early.

Fans' decision delayed for 2 weeks

2010-06-28T19:10:00.006Z

England Fans

Long suffering fans of the England football team announced today that they would delay their decision whether to continue their support by 2 weeks.

Following England’s disappointing performance in the World Cup Finals there is now serious doubt whether the Football Association can continue to rely on home support in the forthcoming qualifying rounds for the European Championship.

It is thought that certain demands may need to be met before fans agree to pay out any more money for tickets, replica shirts, car mounted flags and other quality merchandise. This could severely compromise the FA’s financial income at a time of recession.

Fan’s representative Stray Photon (74) spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays:

“We’ve had enough. This is a tournament too far. Every time we get sucked in to the belief that this time it’s going to be different. Every time we think this time they sound as though they really care, that they really want to do well. Every time we are sold the idea that we’ve got a manager who is going to make a difference. And every time we are let down.”

Frothing slightly at the mouth, he continued,

”These pampered millionaires are so out of touch with what it means for us to see them wearing the shirt. They don’t care any more, they’re thinking about their exclusive beach resort and next year’s Premiership wages, not putting their foot in and running their heart out for the team. For all of us. For England...”

As a scantily clad nurse administered a powerful sedative, Photon told us more about the fans’ wish-list before drifting into unconsciousness.

“Premiership players should be banned from the England team. We want to see a squad for the Euro’s drawn exclusively from the Championship or below, that’s where the real football is played these days. They’d show Lampard and Gerard what commitment is all about. And we want Gabrielle Drake to be the next coach; she’s shown time and time again she knows how to make it work with two up front...”

Drake: favours 36-24-36 formation

At this point the screens were closed around Photon and we were ushered from the room by a burly security guard.

We asked the FA for their comment on Mr. Photon’s demands but no spokesman was available. However we managed to speak to Mr. Wayne Rooney who had just arrived from South Africa at his exclusive high security holiday home in Barbados;

“Who is this no-mark Ray Proton anyway? What happened, trying to find the khazi, was he? Nice to see these fans giving us their loyal support, for fuck’s sake. Now fuck off, my limo’s here to take me to the beach. Oi! Gizz another glass of that Cristal, Colleen...”

England Pansies

Next Week: Local undertaking firm Pearson & Pearson take over at cash strapped Prem...er, Championship club Hull City.

Election News: Clegg's shopping list

2010-05-07T17:27:00.007Z

Clegg: two up front?

Following the failure of any party to gain an overall majority in the House of Commons in yesterday’s General Election, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg refused to comment on reports that his among his demands to David Cameron to ensure his support for a Conservative minority government was the suspension of all promotions and relegations in the Premier League, Championship and Leagues One and Two.

However a source close to the leadership spoke exclusively to Spraying The Rays;

“It’s true of course that we want to see electoral reform, abolition of the House of Lords and the abandonment of the Trident nuclear deterrent,” he told our Beer and Politics correspondent Stray Photon.

“But Nick is convinced it would bring in a lot of votes in the increasingly marginal East Yorkshire constituencies at the next election if we managed to preserve Hull City’s Premiership status.”

When it was pointed out that this would also mean other teams would miss out on promotion, our source was sceptical about any effect on the party’s future prospects in West Yorkshire. “You mean Leeds United? Their fans can’t spell “X” to put it on a ballot paper.”

Late News: Clegg rules out deal with Brown: “Phil has had his chance. It has to be Dowie next season”.

Bullard to flip burgers in KC shakeup

2010-04-26T23:03:00.004Z

Bullard: relishing new challenge

from our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon;

In efforts to cut costs at cash strapped former Premier League football club Hull City, record signing Jimmy Bullard has been reassigned to the burger van at the KC stadium.

Chairman Adam Pearson explained: “Whilst Mr Bullard’s contract means we are obliged to honour the remaining 3 years at £45K per week, we can at least save the £6.5K annual salary of a current member of the catering staff. This also means that by keeping Jimmy out of the playing squad he will be ineligible for any win bonuses, in the unlikely event of us actually winning any games next season.”

Ousted burgerman Ernest Bull (67) said he was disappointed by the development but was prepared to step aside if it was in the best interests of the club he has supported since the age of 14. He spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays:

“In the old days player regularly helped out on the van. Chris Chilton used to rustle up a mean cheeseburger (easy on the onions), and Brian Marwood was a wizard on the hot dog stand. Raitch Carter tended to be a bit heavy on the mustard. Not sure about this new bloke though, he’ll need to wear a hairnet with all that girly hair, so he’ll look a right pranny.”

Late news: City cash boost as Bullard injured again

Hull City are set to claim a substantial amount on insurance as top earner Jimmy Bullard suffered the latest in a string of injuries. The floppy-haired midfielder is understood to have flicked hot fat into his eye during a training session for his new role at the club as burger van operative.

Bullard will be flown to the US for treatment by top sports surgeon Richard Steadman who has operated on his previous injuries, and he is expected to make a full recovery in a matter of hours. However because he sustained the injury as a result of refusing to wear the protective eyewear as provided by his employers, he is in breach of the Health and Safety at Work act (1974) and has been dismissed by the club, who are not liable to pay any compensation.

Adam Pearson commented, “Now that’s what I call a result.”

Late late news: In a further financial blow to Hull City, Pearson blames previous chairman Duffen as it transpires the playing squad was only insured for 3rd party fire and theft.

Next Week: Following the theft of record signing Jimmy Bullard from the KC Stadium, Hull City appeal for his safe return and issue the following description: “ Mr Bullard is black, approximately 6’ 5” tall with closely cropped hair, and he speaks with a strong Scottish accent. He may also show signs of having been recently on fire.”

I Had A Dream...

2010-04-25T10:54:00.004Z

Hello readers!

I have just woken up from a wonderful dream…

I dreamed of a sunny Wembley Stadium and a wonder goal that took Hull City up into the Premiership…

I dreamed of local men Dean Windass and Nick Barmby plying their trade in Amber and Black for the Tigers

I dreamed of glorious victories at hallowed venues like White Hart Lane and Ashburton Grove

I dreamed of cynical pundits on "Match of the Day" eating their words as we rose to 4th place in the world’s greatest football league

But now I have woken. And reality dawns.

My club are in deep financial trouble.

The future is uncertain.

We have players who care more about paying their inflated pay-cheque into the bank than putting the ball in the goal or their boot into a tackle.

I look forward grim-faced to fixtures against Scunthorpe, Barnsley and maybe even L**ds United next season.

Bloody hell though, what a dream it was!

Next Week: With the Premiership experiment in tatters, the Back to Boothferry campaign gathers pace...

It's Dowie!

2010-03-16T23:35:00.005Z

Dowie: life on Mars?

Good things about Iain Dowie being the new Hull City manager:

1. Rhymes with Bowie

2. er...

Brown Out: Deano to Return?

2010-03-15T21:18:00.005Z

OUT: Brown

Phil Brown reacted with fury to his sacking today by Hull City, claiming it was due to a case of mistaken identity.

"I'm furious over this case of mistaken identity," Brown told Spraying the Rays' Beer and football correspondent Stray Photon.

"There's some other bloke called Brown who's been making himself unpopular and was expecting to lose his job sometime soon," he continued. "It was him supposed to get sacked, not me."

Meanwhile Spraying the Rays can exclusively reveal chairman Adam Pearson's shortlist of candidates to replace Brown:

David Cameron (18/1)

Nick Clegg (30/1)

Kevin Keegan (25/1)

Gabrielle Drake (40/1)

Dean Windass (evens)

Windass: in?

Next Week: David Beckham claims to have supported the Tigers "since I were a lad" as he takes the reins at the beleagured East Yorkshire club.

Wind Force Zero*

2010-02-21T17:17:00.008Z

Peter Woodhouse: 31 May 1920 - 21 February 2010

Legendary harmonica player, wit, civil engineer, raconteur and father, known throughout Hull and the East Riding as "that bloke with the weird lad" has died at the age of 89.

At least for Photon Senior Hull City will be always in the Premier League.

I will miss him.

More to follow...

*NB: Wind Force 4 was a harmonica group of which PW was a member. Over the 40+ years of their existence they dwindled in size for various reasons to eventually become Wind Force 2, who performed their last gig in the mid 1990's. To my knowledge no member of WF4-2 left the group as a result of any gardening accident, bizarre or otherwise.

The Curse of the Tigers part 17

2010-01-16T12:56:00.003Z

Redknapp

From our Beer and Football correrspondent Stray Photon:

Hull chairman Adam Pearson today angrily denied that a cabal of Hull City supporters at the Treasury were behind this morning's shock arrest of Spurs boss Harry Redknapp on tax evasion charges and his subsequent incarceration in the Tower of London.

Pearson insisted that suggestions that the move was a ploy to destroy Tottenham's morale ahead of the clash with Hull today were ridiculous.

Pearson

"Yes, I might have made a couple of calls to suggest that to release Harry on bail might send the wrong message, especially in this time of global recession," he said, "but the idea that I have influenced the decision to schedule his executon for 3 o'clock this afternoon is frankly laughable."

Sky Sports will be broadcasting the beheading after winning a frantic bidding war with the BBC and ESPN. The kick-off at White Hart Lane has been delayed by five minutes to allow the event to be shown at the stadium.

Next Week: Match Report: Spurs 9 Hull 0. "We did it for the gaffer," says Crouch.

Global Warming: An End in Sight?

2010-01-10T21:00:00.005Z

By our Science Correspondent

Climate Change could be a distant memory as early as 2013 if radical proposals being considered by the world’s most computer literate nations are adopted.

Scientists have suggested that the simple measure of abolishing spaces in online documentation such as emails and webpages could save enough energy to reduce the carbon output of the planet by an astonishing 5,349bn tonnes per year.

Space: waste of...

Approximately 1.4 million spaces are used daily world-wide, and it is estimated that each space character uses an average of 17.3 nano-joules of energy to transmit when contained in any digital format. Using this formula, boffins have calculated that global warming could be reversed within 3 years even if only 25% of PC users are prepared to "save the space."

A Ministry of Energy spokesman told Spraying the Rays; “Thisisfantasticnews.”

“Theplanetissaved." He continued:

"Andwecangobacktodrivingfastcarsagainandturnourguitaramplifiersbackupto11.”

The government is expected to launch a massive campaign to encourage Internet users to “Drop the Blanks”. However it is thought that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is not in favour of legislation outlawing the use of the space completely.

The news has led to speculation that other text characters could be taken out of circulation to accelerate the reversal of global warming. Spraying the Rays spoke to Ally Teration, Professor of English at the Feltham Polytechnic:

“I’m sure there are lots of other options to consider Take the full stop for example I've never really seen the point of it Why finish one sentence when you're only going to start another?

Similarly a massive energy saving could be made by withdrawing the letter E, suggested Prof Teration, “Surly w could quit happily undrtand what w man without this uslss squiggl?”

Itishoughtthatifallthmasurswrtaknthworldcouldsanndtoclimatchangasarlyasnxttusday

A Mrs Photon of Twickenham commented, “Wouldn’t it save even more energy if you stopped writing your silly blog altogether and did something more useful instead? I mean, it’s not as though anybody reads it, is it?”

Next week: Stray Photon sorts out World Poverty before teatime.

Film Review

2010-01-03T01:13:00.003Z

From our Movie Correspondent Phil M Sevantifree:

Hello Readers!

In order to fulfill one of my New Year's Resolutions I have been trying to catch up on some of the films that have been clogging up the office collection of Betamax cassettes, so the other night I watched "Kontroll", directed by my old chum Nimrod Antal.

Kontroll: mind the gap...

It was rather good.

But I think that if I ever get to use the Bupapest Underground I will make sure I have a ticket.

STR rating 4/5

Next week: FA cup news: Phil Brown supports Ferguson as he demands "second leg" for this season's 3rd round matches due to cold weather.

2010: Highlights of the Year

2010-01-02T20:17:00.004Z

1) Mended the TV remote by taking it to bits and cleaning it. Guess what? I managed to put it back together with no bits left over and ...it works. Hurrah!

Saving to me: approx £55-60 for a new one...unless I bought a generic version for £12 but then it wouldn't say "Panasonic" on it, would it?

2) Got the bedroom radiator working by taking a pair of pliers and opening the valve at the other end. I though there was only a valve at one end but no. Result: heating in the bedroom. What luxury! Hurrah again!

Saving to me: I reckon about £70 to call out a plumber.

3) Drank beer. Hurrah for a third time!

What a stonking year 2010 has been so far!

2009 and all that...

2009-12-31T19:47:00.002Z

Happy New year to all my reader...

Next Week: The curse of the Tigers strikes again as Megson follows Hughes, Grant, Mourinho et al...Spraying the Rays investigates allegations of witchcraft at the KC Stadium.

No blog for Christmas?

2009-12-23T16:14:00.002Z

Following failure of Internet provision, speculation mounted today as to whether December 09 would be the first month since its appearnce in August 1943 that no blog would be posted on "Spraying the Rays"...er, hang on...

Latest version of OS "a dud"

2009-11-29T09:22:00.007Z

Woodhows 5.1: rubbish

Today sees the arrival of the latest upgrade to Woodhows: version 5.1. However the newest version of this operating system has been heavily criticised by IT experts for being vastly inferior to previous releases.

Amongst criticisms of the software are:

Slow and unpredictable

Poor networking capabilities

Tends to hang up and stop working for no apparent reason

Places heavy demand on system resources such as processor speed, refrigerator space etc.

Makes poor use of system memory which has a tendency to fail at crucial moments

Unattractive user interface

Spraying the Rays’ IT correspondent Stray Photon. suggests users do not upgrade to WH5.1 but instead stick with earlier versions

“Just choose the Do Not Install option. They may be able to solve some of the problems with the forthcoming Service Pack 1 but frankly the whole package is out of date, poorly thought out, badly designed, and just doesn’t work.”

Next Week: Jimmy Bullard visits Lincolnshire without using the Humber Bridge.

Rewind, Rewind <<

2009-11-15T17:31:00.008Z

Hello Bloggees!

As a health care professional I have lost count of the times I have been asked, “Stray, now that we’ve had the Vinyl Revival, when is the Great Compact Cassette™ Comeback going to happen?”

Good question!

Haven't we all missed those Spinal tap Dobly references as we discuss our noise reduction preferences! Dolby B or C? Or even HX Pro!

And the romantic snap of the tape as it gets chewed up!

Those enigmatic drop outs as the music tantalisingly disappears…only to magically restart a second or two later!

Tape Hiss! Yeah baby!

The roadside spaghetti of Compact Cassette™ tape thrown out of passing cars as the owner finally tires of the kids’ “Mr Men” songs!

Well readers, the waiting is over! Look at this selection of top notch pop albums available in the Whitton branch of Our Price…er, I mean The Children’s Society Charity Shop!

And what a selection. Look at some of the quality recordings on sale:

Relive the 40’s with the classy swing sounds of Glenn Miller!

The Sweet Soul Sound of Eddie Floyd! Hmm, knock on my wood anytime, big boy! (© G. Slagg.)

Some long hair music from some bloke called Prokofiev. Used to go by the name of Amateurkofiev until he went full-time.

Rock’n'Roll Greats Vol 1: this was lent to me some years ago by Morton Shadow’s ex. Thank God he doesn’t read this blog anymore!

Best of Bowie: blank tape. Only joking, Zig! You know I’m your biggest fan! Especially the stuff you did with legendary Hull guitarist Nick Ronhurst!

Japan: Floppy hair’s back in fashion! Pity most of us haven’t got much of it left!

Tom Tom Club: so good they named him twice!

And many more!

So don’t delay! Rush down to your local branch of the Children’s Society Charity Shop today! (as long as you live near Whitton.) Stock is extremely limited, that is if they’ve bothered to put it out at all yet, wouldn’t surprise me if it just went straight in the bin, I mean that Cancer Research lot over the road weren’t even interested, just gave me a look as though I’d presented them with a bag full of Knave magazines…what do you mean I’m still on the air?

Safety Notice: Some examples of this medium should be teated with extreme caution. If you should come across the following artefact please DO NOT handle it. Phone your local police station who will arrange the recovery of the item and transportation to a safe disposal site.

Next Week: Gordon Brown and New Labour: were they responsible for the last Ice Age? Spraying the Rays investigates.

Strictly Come Dancing News: Latest

2009-11-14T20:29:00.003Z

Tuffers is out!

Well, it's not the first time, is it?

Next week: Dancing Queen of the Jungle, Camilla Dallerup, talks exclusively to Spraying the Rays! Aye Caramba!

Brown defends Jungle jaunt

2009-11-12T17:48:00.011Z

Brown: it's not you...yet

Hull City manager Phil Brown today faced down criticism of his decison to appear on ITV's prime time hit "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"

With the Tigers facing a battle to survive their second season in the Premier League, fans were astonished to see Mr Brown's name in the list of contestants for the latest series.

Speaking exclusively to Spraying the Rays, Brown said couldn't see a problem.

"These opportunities don't come round that often, and the gaffer told me I deserved a break, so why not? He said the club could look after itself for a week or two, and what with the gap in fixtures for internationals at the moment it seemed a good time to do it."

It is thought that his experience in dealing with wild animals (Jimmy Bullard) and dangerous environments (Anlaby Road on a Saturday night) will have prepared Brown well for the tasks facing him in the Australian jungle.

A spokesman for "I'm A Celebrity" told Spraying the Rays; "Yes we were somewhat surprised he said yes. When it was first suggested a week or two ago it looked as though he might might have a bit of time on his hands coming up."

It was also revealed that Brown was not first choice for the show; "To be honest, we had really wanted Steve McClaren but he told us he had "something big" coming up and needed to learn to speak English again, so he couldn't do it."

Next week: Spraying the Rays' tip to win "Celebrity" this year? Camilla "Dancing Queen" Dallerup. Where's that speed dialler?

Camilla: hot and steamy in the jungle. (go and lie down, Photon...Ed)

Storm clouds gather as Brown faces his darkest hour

2009-11-01T19:38:00.012Z

Brown, G

With his ratings plummetting in all opinion polls, and facing a resurgent Conservative party under the dynamic leadership of Old Etonian toff David Campervan, things look grim for working class hero and Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown,

But enough of all that bollocks.

The real leadership crisis of the age is at beleagured football club Hull City. Seemingly anchored in the relegation zone of the English Premier League and with only two wins to boast of in the last God knows how long, the football world is holding its breath waiting for the next top flight managerial sacking. At one point last week bookmakers stopped taking bets on Brown getting the push, especially when his staunchest supporter and personal friend, club chairman Paul Duffen resigned.

To make matters worse, former City chairman Adam Pearson returns having last week resigned form the corresponding post at Derby County, and Pearson has previously shown himself to be ruthless in dispensing with underperforming managers such as Jan Molby and Phil Parkinson.

Brown, P

For the record, Spraying the Rays believes that Phil Brown should be given at least until Christmas to Save the Tigers, bearing in mind his achievements at the club over the last two seasons.

However, following Pearson's vote of confidence in Brown today, his days in charge at the KC Stadium seem numbered. So it's time for our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon to looks at the possible contenders jockeying for position to preserve the club's Premiership status:

Keegan, Kevin

Scunthorpe born former Newcastle gaffer: despite his inspirational haircuts, his attacking style might not suit the dour Northern type supporters at Hull City.

Stop Press: Keegan announces his resignation from the race to be new Hull boss: see late editions for full story.

Taylor, Peter

Having steered the club to back to back promotions from League 2 to the Championship under Adam Pearson's previous stint as Chairman, Taylor at least knows the way to the stadium and his famous Norman Wisdom impressions would be sure to raise morale during the dark January of the soul. However if he's not good enough for Crystal Palace...

Windsor, Barbara

Following her decision to stand down from running the Queen Vic in Walford, the busty East Ender should be well versed in keeping control of an unruly mob such as the Hull City squad. (Yes, Bullard, I'm looking at you.) It would also enable Stray Photon to run out the “Two up Front” gag ad nauseum.

Blair, Anthony Charles Lynton (Labour)

Proven leadership qualitise, and Blair might well be tempted by the boss's seat at the KC rather than the Presidency of the European Union. There is some concern however that he might be tempted to deploy troops into West Yorkshire to search for Weapons of Mass Obstruction in the increasingly likely event of Hull City and Leeds United being in the same division next season.

Slade, Russell

Sacked today from League 1 Brighton, he lacks experience of coaching at the top level. However the fact he shares a name with that of a 70's glam rock band makes him a top contender, along with Brentford's "Kenny" Sansom and former Tranmere coach Dave "The" Rubettes.

Windass, Dean

Having recently ended his playing days at Oldham to concentrate on his coaching career, a return to his hometown club would seal "Deano's" status as a local legend, especially if he managed to save the team from the drop to the Championship. Readership of STR expected to fall by 50% in the event of his appointment.

[image deleted for reasons of national security]

Photon, Stray

The obvious choice. However his numerous other committments such as driving for the Ferrari F1 team, judging in Strictly Come Dancing and playing guitar for Oasis, may mean he would not be able to commit fully to the position.

McClaren, Steve

Ginger get. Former midfielder at the club: like Taylor knows his way to the ground but would probably end up at Boothferry Park rather than the KC Stadium. His Dutch accent might cause communication problems with the English members of the squad. Expect him to be in charge by Thursday.

Other candidates may yet be waiting in the wings to throw their hats into the ring, so make sure you visit Spraying the Rays frequently for the latest updates!

Next Week: Spraying the Rays reviews the new Channel 5 drama series "Flash Forward". But then you've probably already read it, haven't you?

Archaeology News

2009-10-30T19:22:00.009Z

Recent excavations following building work in Twickenham have unearthed some important artefacts. Archaeology correspondent Doug Gently reports:

Hello readers!

Have a look at this:

Thought to date from the mid to late 20th century, this unremarkable piece of green cardboard has been identitifed by experts as a token of admission to an musical event, or a "concert ticket" as it would have been known in the dialect of the time.

But this wasn't just any concert. Using the latest technology, (a technique known as "looking at the date") historians have managed to pinpoint the date of this event as Tuesday 17th February 1976. This was in fact the first concert or "gig" attended by a man who soon afterwards became a legendary guitarist and blogger: Stray "Hairfix" Photon.

But here was more to come. At the same site an unsuspecting archaeology student retrieved this scrap of paper:

Amazingly well preserved, it is thought to be a receipt for the first ever guitar owned by Mr Photon. Now on show at the Hull Museum of Culture (the locked up corrugated shack in the King Billy car park), the significance of this artefact cannot be overestimated. Only 6 months after seeing guitarist Mr Bill Nelson, a leading travelling minstrel of the age, a , the young Photon has saved his pennies to acquire an instrument of his own.

And thus a legend was born.

(Mind you, it could have been that Kid Strange from Doctors of Madness...)

Next Week: My First Bongos: first in a new series exclusive to Spraying the Rays: famous bloggers talk about their first percussive experiences.

City deny Mafia link

2009-09-29T23:34:00.005Z

Fiorentina coach Roberto Mancini

Hull City Chairman Paul Duffen reacted angrily to press reports linking the East Yorkshire club to Italian organised crime syndicates.

"Rumours suggesting that after a so called "offer I couldn't refuse" we deliberately threw the game against Liverpool last weekend are completely unfounded," said the Tigers' boss.

"The idea that we would lose by such a large margin in order to lull them into a false sense of security prior to their Champion's League fixture this week are frankly laughable" he told Spraying the Rays today.

The Merseyside club humilated Hull in an uncompromising 6-1 defeat on Saturday, but disappointingly capitulated 2-0 to the Italian side Fiorentina at the Artemio Franchi stadium on the following Tuesday.

Other football news: Bookmakers have today stopped taking bets on the likely move of Serie A striker Stefan Jovetic and central defender Dario Dainelli to English Premier league Hull City from Fiorentina when the January transfer window opens.

Next Week: That controversial ending to the final episode of the Sopranos: Spraying the Rays exclusively reveals what really ha

Stray answers Oasis' call as Noel quits

2009-08-29T07:31:00.007Z

Gallagher: to take role in Coronation Street?

Twickenham guitarist Stray "Disaster" Photon was today being hotly tipped to replaced Noel Gallagher in veteran pub-rock band Oasis following an announcement that Gallagher could no longer work with brother and vocalist Liam.

A spokesman for the Manchester group told Spraying the Rays, "We needed someone who has experience in working with an unpredictable temperamental singer who likes putting on women's clothing and hanging around in bars. Mr Photon was an obvious candidate."

Speaking exclusively to Spraying the Rays, Stray Photon stated that he was "extremely honoured" to be linked with the vacancy; "After all, I can play all three chords, just not necessarily in the right order."

He continued, "It's going to be a busy autumn for me what with the driving job and judging in "Strictly" as well," he said. "But as long as there are no weekend gigs I should be OK to do it."

Other names touted to replace Gallagher are:

Bert Weedon (7/2)
Eric Claptout (8/1)
Noel Gallagher (evens)

Next Week: Photon quits Oasis over "pharmaceutical differences."

Deano denies "fat, ugly" allegations

2009-08-24T21:22:00.010Z

Windass: not mentioned in this blog

Former Harlequins boss Dean Richards today issued a strong denial that that he was either fat or ugly.

However in an exclusive interview with Spraying the Rays' award winning Beer and Rugger correspondent Stray Photon, the disgraced England rugby legend accepted that he was exceptionally stupid.

Richards resigned from his post as Director of Rugby at the West London club following his role in the Bloodgate affair where winger Tom Williams faked a blood injury during a Heineken Cup match against Leinster.

"Not only have I brought shame upon the once great game of Rugby Union, but I then compounded the shame by admitting that I have done it before," the burly ex-prop forward tearfully told STR.

He continued, "How stupid is that? When I think of how we used to look down our noses at Rugby League and Soccer for their commercialism and tendency to exaggerate injury, now I have made not only myself but the game I love look totally ridiculous."

Meanwhile, following an exciting new commercial partnership with Harlequins RUFC, we can review some exciting new items for sale at the Harlequins club shop:

Impress you stuck-up poncey chums next time you shed your Barbour jacket in the car park at HQ with the new official Quins club shirt. Only £49.99!

Game not going your way? Then impress the ref instead with this accurate "Cut Kit". Easy and quick to apply! Substitution guaranteed! Only £19.99!

Need that extra impact to get an opponent sent off? Try this amazingly lifelike fake wound with fake glass embedded in it. Only £29.99!
Want a more traditional solution? Try this dual purpose blood substitute. Spice up your half time burger, then hide the bottle down your shorts for that injury time tactical kicking replacement. Tried and tested! Exclusive price for STR readers only £1.25!

Next week: How to fake an Anterior Cruciate Ligament rupture. Grab some quality beach time while your team-mates tough it out in the winter mud at Griffin Park, Elland Road and Selhurst!

Photon Steps In as Schumacher Loses Bottle

2009-08-11T09:23:00.011Z

Schumacher: "too scarey"

Our Motorsport Correspondent Lew Sweelnutt writes:

Following seven times F1 world champion Michael Schumacher's announcement that he is withdrawing from his much anticipated comeback at the Valencia European Grand Prix on August 23rd due to a "pre-existing neck injury", legendary Italian race team Ferrari haved moved quickly to announce his replacement.

Stray "Revs" Photon, a comparitive unknown on the F1 circuit, was presented by Ferrari's president Luca Di Montezemolo at a hastily arranged press conference earlier today.

Schumacher had been lined up to stand in for Felipe Massa who has been sidelined for the rest of the season following a freak accident at the Hungaororing Grand Prix, but in practice has apparently found that the high G-forces experienced during practice have made it impossible to maintain a competitive level of performance.

"I am very sorry that Michael will not be driving for us in Spain," said Mr Di Montezemolo, "but he pulled his neck during a bizarre gardening accident a few months ago and does not feel he is able to compete."

"I am aware that Stray does not have a particularly high profile on the F1 scene," continued the charismatic Italian boss, "but after looking at a brief resume of his past form, I am convinced he is the man to restore the fortunes of the team."

"I can assure the tifosi that they need have no fear for the reputation of Ferrari," said Mr Photon (63). "I have a wealth of competitive experience which I can bring to bear. I have raced these circuits more times than I can remember, for example on Formula 1 05 and 06 on the Sony Playstation, Geoff Crammond's Grand Prix 4 and 2 on the PC, and every version of Codemaster's Touring car series on various formats."

He continued, "I have also competed on Domark's Formula 1 on the Sega Megadrive, and going right back to Pole Position on the good old Sinclair Spectrum. I also have extensive racing experience on the US oval tracks in NASCAR 2003, driven on the world rally circuit in Colin Mcrae Rally 3 and 5, and don't get me started on Super Mario Kart. Frankly I'm surprised that Luca didn't come to me first."

Photon in training for F1 debut

Next week: Ferrari request postponement of European GP due to "a need to reconfigure cockpit dimensions in line with recent technical developments."

Player admits use of fake blood

2009-07-22T07:17:00.011Z

Following the revelations that Rugby Union player Tom Williams of Harlequins used a theatrical blood capsule to feign injury and gain advantage in a Heineken Cup match last season, Spraying the Rays can reveal that fakery in sport is nothing new.

Former England football captain Terry Butcher confessed exclusively to our award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon:

Butcher: condiment malfunction

"When we played Sweden in '89 we didn't have nothing like these capsules that this fancy dan rugger chap used. We had to improvise in those days. I had a bottle of HP ketchup down my shorts. They was tight shorts as well, so a lot of the oppo thought I was getting a bit too keen in the penalty area, so to speak."

Butcher continued, "Anyway when the ref wasn't looking I decided to get them into a bit of bother. This was before the squeezy plastic bottles so I shook it and shook it and then suddenly it all come out at once. I have felt like I've been living a lie ever since and it's just a relief to get the truth out after all these years."

Butcher is not the only England soccer legend to use props to enhance his image. Paul Gascoigne's famous tears a year later in the Italia 90 World Cup semi-final were not, it transpires, entirely genuine. Gazza told us the truth over a pint or two of Twickenham Fine Ales' "Naked Ladies" bitter:

Gazza: big girl

"Why aye, man. The gaffer told us that we needed a bit of theatre to upset the Krauts, so he gave me an onion and said to stick it down me kegs. When I got booked like, out it comes and I blub like a bairn. The idea was to get the Germans to feel sorry for us and let us win, only it didn't work."

Spraying the Rays can also exclusively reveal that the breasts exhibited by Gascoigne on the England squad's open top bus after the tournament were also almost certainly fake.

Gazza: two up front

Runours have persisted about another gifted footballer from the North. Darlington assistant coach and former North Ferriby United player Dean Windass has revealed that for his entire playing career he wore a rubber face mask to strike fear into the heart of opposing defenders. Here's what he really looks like:

Windass: unmasked

Next Week: After a grilling from Stray Photon, David Beckham admits faking fractured metatarsal "for insurance purposes".

Vinny checks for onions

Owen to Manchester: shock decision

2009-07-04T16:48:00.014Z

Owen: nuts

This week, in a decision which has baffled the footballing world, former England and 2nd division Newcastle United striker Michael Owen turned his back on an opportunity to return to top flight soccer with Premiership club Hull City, opting instead to end his career with Manchester United reserves.

What could be behind such a bizarre decision? Manchester United aren’t even the best team in Manchester any more, never mind the Premiership, says Spraying the Rays’ Bruce Protocol:

Owen's brain: what happened here?

Hello Readers!

Future or past? This was the stark choice facing Michael Owen this week. The faded glory of Old Trafford or the glittering promise of the KC Stadium? Today I use the latest hi-tech Imaging technology to examine the Mind of Michael to look at the factors which may have swayed him.

Ferguson: hairdryer

Could it have been the manager that turned Owen’s head? Ruddy faced Scotsman Alex Ferguson knows his football, but how does he compare with the curvaceous charms of former Moonbase commander Gabrielle “Keep it Tight at the back Boys!” Drake? Not too well I suggest. One nil to the Tigers, surely?

Drake: Carmen heated rollers

Former players: against the likes of legends such as Raitch Carter, Ken Wagstaff and Dean Windass, what does Manchester offer? Little known obscurities like Best, Charlton and Cantona? Let’s be serious here. It has to be Hull all the way.

Windass: problem family on the Street

What about the cities of Manchester and Hull? What has the grimy Lancashire town got to rival the engineering splendour of the majestic Humber Bridge or the breathtaking architecture of The Deep, Europe’s only submarium? Cadishead bridge? Mayfield Station you say? Nope. A dump, rather like the rest of the town.

Humber Bridge: gateway to Lincolnshire

Cadishead Bridge: not quite finished yet

Maybe the local culture of the respective locations have had something to do with it? Can Ed Banger and the Nosebleeds, Coronation Street and The Fall bear comparison with Maureen Lipman, Sir Tom Courtenay and Cool to Snog?

Is further comment really necessary?

Owen's choice: it's a Mr. Roy

Celebrity fans: the Reds are known for their many famous supporters, such as portly TV presenter Eamon Holmes, ginger gobshite Mick Hucknall and admittedly rather good actor James Nesbitt. But wait; step forward such high profile Tigers followers as award-winning blogger Stray Photon, TV legend Roy North, and , er Mrs Photon (when they’re not playing A**enal, that is) and you can see that yet again, all the pointers lead East along the M62 to Yorkshire.

Hucknall: on the mend

Footballing Honours: er, I though I said we wouldn’t do do this one?

Spraying the Rays Comment: Michael Owen’s injury plagued history is well documented. But come on Sir Alex: it’s clearly not his knees you need to scan before you sign him up: send him for a CT of his brain. He obviously needs his head examining.

Tennis news: Wimbledon finishes tomorrow at about half past five.

Next week: The Ariels reform to save Jacko's 50 date run of concerts at the O2 arena. "It's what Michael would have wanted", says Robert Swipe (62).

Health News: Surgical Review

2009-06-28T17:10:00.008Z

Surgeons: "is it supposed to look like that?"

Health correspondent Spray Farton writes;

Surgeons in the UK have been asked not to follow the example of their US counterparts by wearing only a single surgical glove during sterile procedures as a tribute to the late Michael Jackson.

Guidelines issued today by the Royal College of Surgeons make it clear that this technique is to be discouraged. College President Professor Ivor Cutter spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays:

"We don't want to deny fans of Mr Jackson the opportunity to acknowledge his contribution to popular culture. But by only wearing one glove operators are obviously compromising the principle of aseptic technique which is vital if we are to contain the spread of potentially deadly hospital infections such as MRSA, VRE, C-diff, QPRFC etc.

He continued, "So we are asking clinicians to only use the one-glove technique if they can carry out the procedure one-handed, which frankly is just showing off anyway, and the College has laboured for some years now to counter the unfortunate image of surgeons as a group of arrogant gits who think they know it all."

In the US however surgeons have vowed to carry on with the controversial practice. "Those goddamn Limeys can do what the hell they want," said one contributor to StitchThis.com, a popular surgical website, " but here in the States we owe a hell of a debt to Michael; let's face it, he's kept a lot of us in work over the past 30 years."

In other news: Following the success of the latest Star Trek offering, Spraying the Rays can reveal that self styled Pop Princess Lily Allen has auditioned for the part of Lt Gay Ellis in the upcoming Hollywood movie version of Gerry Anderson's cult 70's TV series UFO:

Allen: hits out at Glastonbury

The part was played originally by part-time Hull City manger Gabrielle Drake who was unavailable for the film version due to her committment to UK soap series Coronation Street, as well as keeping the the East Yorkshire club in the Premier League last season.

Drake: two up front

Next week: Spraying the Rays investigates reports that a "significant quantity" of the radio-isotope Polonium 210 was detected at the Jackson post-mortem, and that the deadly substance has been tracked to "a known UK source."

Breaking News: King of Pop "not dead"

2009-06-26T06:31:00.005Z

Our Pop Music correspondent Bruce Protocol writes:

Speaking this morning from his Wood Green mansion (12 Chipping Norton Avenue), Wreckless Eric (62) denied press reports of his recent death.

The author of such international monster hits as "Whole Wide World" and er...er... told Spraying the Rays," I don't know what all the fuss is about. I hurt my back a bit last weekend doing the begonias, but apart from that I'm fine, thanks."

More to follow.

Strictly Come Dancing: Phillips Out, Photon In?

2009-06-18T17:39:00.012Z

Phillips: out?

From Bruce Protocol, Our Man in the Lurex Spangled Top Slit to the Waist:

Following the revelation that Arlene Phillips is to be dropped from the judging panel of the BBC's Saturday night hit Strictly Come Dancing, speculation abounds as to who will replace the 66 year old choreographer and former Hot Gossip dancer.

It is thought that the Beeb want to introduce a bit more glamour to the show in response to arch-rival ITV's success with Britain's Got Talent and X-Factor.

Hot favourite to replace Ms Phillips is former blogger and Spraying the Rays Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon.

Mr Photon (32) is expected to step down from his position at the award winning blog following adverse publicity over an expenses scandal which has recently come to light.

The ruggedly handsome Yorkshireman has long expressed an interest in working more closely with dancers such as Camilla Dallerup, Ola Jordan and Kristina Rihanoff, not to mention Anton Du Beke.

Daller: up?

Other candidates for the position include Susan Boyle, Hazel Blears and Kevin Keegan.

Spraying the Rays asked chief judge and former Crystal Palace full back Len Goodman for his thoughts. He said rather noisily, "Seven!"

Goodman: loud speaker

In other news: raise a glass please to Bob Bogle, lead guitarist of The Ventures, who died on Sunday aged 75.

Walk, Don't Run...

Next week: Peanut Buttered Babes: that link in full.

Fixtures Shocker: Blues Boss to Resign?

2009-06-17T22:17:00.011Z

Ancelotti: that's your lot-ti

Our man on the red carpet, Bruce Protocol reports:

Speculation raged as to the future of Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti when it was revealed that he faces a baptism of fire in his opening Premier League match against Hull City on August 15th, as the fixtures for the 2009-2010 season were published earlier today.

The charismatic Italian is now the West London club's longest serving manager for some years, having taken up the position as long ago as June 2009, but looks set to follow predecessors such as Jose Mourinho, Avram Grant and "Big" Phil Scolari who all resigned or were sacked immediately before or after facing the Tigers.

Ancelotti, under whom Chelsea are so far unbeaten, was today refusing to comment on his future. However sources close to the club (a man at the Kishmish restaurant on Fulham Road, SW6), told Spraying the Rays of their disappointment:

"It's a jolly shame, just when things were looking up for us, " said Tarquin, 29, as he tucked into a rather tasty looking Chicken Chat, "but he's got to go. Chelsea need a big name manager to bring the good times back to the Bridge."

Bookmakers have installed cheeky Cockney wide boy Dennis Wise as hot favourite to replace Ancelotti, with Alan Shearer, formerly of second division Newcastle United, being touted as his assistant.

Other names in the frame include Neil Warnock (11/2), Gabrielle Drake (20/1) and Kevin Keegan (evens).

Cricket News:

The cricket season ends on 27th September 2009.

Next week: award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon denies misusing Spraying the Rays' expense account: "I have done nothing wrong and in any case I have paid back the £4.75 nightly subscription fee to "Peanut Buttered Babes" cable TV channel which I have never heard of anyway and it was Bob Swipe's fault: he made me watch it."

The case continues.

Drake to sue ITV

2009-06-15T16:40:00.006Z

from our Beer and Showbusiness correspondent Stray Photon:

"Gabs" outlines her complaints at today's press conference.

Following her brief but triumphant appearance in ITV's "Coronation Street", glamorous actress and part-time Hull City manager Gabrielle Drake is contemplating legal action against Granada TV, makers of the long running soap opera, over what she has called a "monumental cock-up" in the make up department.

...and as she appears on the "Street"

"It's outrageous. Somehow they managed to make me look about 59," said Ms Drake (69).

The former Moonbase commander continued;

"My fans are distraught, and I have been inundated by a letter of complaint from a Mr S. Photon of Twickenham, Middlesex, about my hair having been dyed a strange unearthly "Dark Chestnut Brown" colour."

Meanwhile at the KC Stadium, as plans are made to strengthen the Tigers' squad for a second season in the Premier League, the club's nailbiting last gasp escape from relegation has been linked to a sudden increase in profits from merchandising at the club's online shop:

The Hat is Back!

And Spraying the Rays would like to be the 413,359th to congratulate Brentford Athletic FC on their promotion as Champions of something called Football League Two. Already sitting pretty on top of Football League One, the club looks set to achieve back to back promotions into the Championship, a feat last achieved by, er, Hull City. COME ON YOU BEES!

Next Week: part one of a new drama series: Mr. Windass Goes to Darlington. Our hero Deano gets on the wrong train at York, ending up at Selhurst Park instead of the Northern Echo Arena, and much hilarity ensues...

Hull vs Man Utd: Team News

2009-05-22T16:52:00.006Z

Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon reports:

This just in from the KC Stadium:

As expected, United field a weakened team in their fixture against relegation battlers Hull City on Sunday ahead of Wednesday's Champions League final in Rome:

Manchester United:

Stepney
Stiles
Bruce
Albiston
Coppell
Crerand
Kidd
Pearson
Charlton
Best (dec'd)
Law
Foulkes
Berbatov
Pallister
Robson

Charlton: athletic

Meanwhile the Tigers take advantage of a little known loophole in Premier League regulations and give debuts to several players signed recently under the "Five day Loan" rule:

Hull City:

Van der Sar
Neville
Ferdinand
Evra
Scholes
Carrick
Giggs
Tevez
Rooney
Windass
Ronaldo
Foster
Berbatov
Park
Nani

Windass: knackered

This week's Newcastle United manager, Alan Shearer, whose team face Aston Villa, was said to be "greatly relieved" by Sir Alex Ferguson's team selection.

"Why aye, it's a canny team, man, " said the balding supremo. "and we all want to see a British team do well against them Europeans like, man, so why not give the squad a friendly run out to warm up? After all it's the taking part that matters. not the winning."

I asked him if he was worried about facing relegation to the Coco-Pops Fun League should they fail to better Hull's result. Unfortunately at this point Mr Shearer became unwell after checking his calculator and asked to be excused.

I also sought the comments of Hull's captain Ian Ashbee, who requested another Pina Colada be sent out to the pool.

Spraying the Rays' prediction:

Hull City 0: Man Utd 4 (George Best hat trick)

Aston Villa 1: Newcastle United 1 (Barton equalises with a disputed penalty in the 17th minute of added time)

Next week: Cricket: what's all that about then?

City Boss Tipped For Manchester Role

2009-04-21T21:32:00.006Z

Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon reports:

TV heart-throb Gabrielle Drake (82) has denied that by taking a role in Coronation Street she is turning her back on Hull City's increasingly desperate struggle to avoid relegation to the Pokie-Pola Championship.

Drake: grim up North

"It's perfectly possible for me to ensure the Tigers will be playing Premier League football next season and at the same time do a bit of acting to keep my hand in," said the City manager who was a shock appointment to the job, ooh, ages ago when people used to read this blog in their dozens.

"I mean look at that Bill Kenwright. Just 'cos he keeps turning up as Betty Turpin's son on Corrie hasn't stopped him keeping Everton in the top flight," pointed out the glamorous star, whose brother is cult 60's folk singer Charlie Drake.

Other football news :

Come on Brentford, sort it out!

Next week: Wenger denies rumours linking him to vacant management position at the Queen Vic.

Wenger fury at Fabregas "incident"

2009-03-18T08:57:00.009Z

Fabregas: stray sputum

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger last night expressed his displeasure with his club captain Cesc Fabregas following allegations that the sidelined midfielder spat at Hull assistant manager Brian Horton following the Gunners' controversial 2-1 win in the FA cup quarter final.

"This is completely unacceptable." said the Frenchman. "For the money these young players get paid nowadays I expect them at least to hit the target."

Other Hull City news: in an exclusive interview with Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon, living legend Dean "Wembley Winner" Windass revealed the real reason behind his shock return to the KC stadium following his unsuccessful loan spell at Oldham.

Windass: wrong lard

"You begged me," he told the award winning reporter. "You haven't blogged for weeks cos you've got nowt to write about with me away from 'Ull. And you've got no excuses to print a picture of me to annoy your mates. Plus the chips in Lancashire are rubbish."

Next week: New staff at the Emirates: Wenger courts further controversy with choice of new coaching team...

Lampard plan backfires

2009-02-07T10:50:00.005Z

Lampard: "that fiver's in the post, Ref..."

England international Francis Lampard was cruelly foiled in his attempt to avoid facing a resurgent Hull City at Stamford Bridge today when the red card shown during last week's Liverpool game was rescinded by the FA. According to sources close to Chelea, the public school educated midfielder allegedly set out deliberately to get himself banned for today's potentially bruising mid-table Premiership clash.

Rumours have persisted that the Lampard had previously been offering substantial cash incentives to his fellow players to inflict a minor injury in training to enable him to "throw a sickie" for the much dreaded encounter with the Tigers.

Furious Chelsea boss "Big" Phil Scolari spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent "Large" Stray Photon:

"This Lampard boy, he big girl's blouse," he said in a beguiling foreign accent. "He on phone every day, he say is rough boys play for Hull City and his dad tell him not to go. I tell him, Deano no longer Tiger, but he thinks I make it up."

It is thought Lampard may be dropped from the squad at the last moment following a report that the pavement outside his house is "a bit slippery because of all the snow and that."

City are expected to field a weakened team this afternoon so as to give key players a rest before next Saturday's vital FA cup tie against Sheffield United.

Next week: after Hull's record 11-0 defeat to Chelsea, Spraying the Rays poses the question: is the Coca-Cola Championship the future for top-class soccer?

Stray Photon's Late, Late Christmas Appeal

2009-01-29T00:18:00.003Z

Hello readers!

Has anyone seen Bob Swipe's Blog?

There is a big hole in the Blogosphere where it used to be. It looks like this:

Bloggone

Have you seen it? Has it been left on your train? Please check all your garages, sheds and other outhouses for any signs of it sleeping rough.

After a swift whip round was arranged amongst fellow bloggers, the Lost Blogs Comittee can offer a handsome reward of £5.31 for its safe return.

Bye!

Crowd trouble at Hull: The Truth

2009-01-26T19:29:00.009Z

The romance of the FA cup

Our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon writes:

As builders move in to to rebuild the wrecked KC Stadium, Spraying the Rays can exclusively reveal the real reason behind the disgraceful scenes of crowd violence which marred the weekend's fourth round FA cup tie and further sullied the battered reputation of the national game.

In scenes reminiscent of the 1980s, fans of rival clubs Hull City and Millwall fought each other in and outside the ground and argued over whether everybody should Wang Chung tonight, or not.

But what could have sparked off the violence?

I spoke with one of the London club's fans, Ronnie Geezer.

"Nah mate, see this wasn't just your normal away trip, this was more of your pilgrimage type thing."

Mr Geezer continued in an unfeasible cockney accent;

"We didn't come all this way to the frozen North just for a game of football: we came to pay homage at a sacred place, to worship at the shrine. We came to see the legend that is Deano."

"Then when one of of these Northern muppets told us that he wasn't even on the bench, well that's when it all kicked off mate, apples and pairs, how's yer father and all that old pony."

"I mean we was expecting to see one of the legends of football, a master of his art, a true magician of the turf, and it turns out he's gone to bleeding Oldham on loan. Well, we was bound to be a bit narked, wasn't we?"

Hull manager Gabrielle Drake is insisting the the South London club compensate Hull City for the damage caused.

Drake: cross

"These scenes no longer have any place in the modern game," commented the purple be-wigged gaffer.

"I have contacted my counterpart at Millwall and demanded they pay for the damage. One of our fans tore the front cover of his programme as he stood up to get a better look at the trouble, and all that police horse crap doesn't clean itself up, you know."

A Mr. Howesey "Howesey" Howes of Brentford...Syon Lane...er sorry, Hounslow, also commented;

"Bloody hell, he isn't even at the sodding club any more and still he gets his ugly mug in the blog. Cancel my subscription forthwith, Bennett."

Robert Swipe is still missing.

Next week: The Red Guitars: my part in their downfall.

Windass to Oldham

2009-01-09T20:08:00.005Z

Bollocks.

There goes the blog.

Cheers, Deano; thanks for putting us in the Premier League.

Gone, but not...er, what was his name again?

Next Week: Why was Stray Photon never in The Fall? Spraying the Rays investigates.

The Curse of the Hat

2008-12-30T19:55:00.004Z

Not only are South West Trains failing to offer a service between Whitton and Richmond thereby preventing essential health care staff getting to work and save lives etc, neither they or any of their staff have managed to find my Hat.

Since the loss of the Hat, Hull City have shipped 9 goals and scored only 2 in reply.

Not to mention the rather embarrassing al fresco team talk episode.

Shamefully the Tiger Leisure online shop seem to be completely out of stock when it comes to Hats.

Even the pink ones for girls.

So here I sit in some trepidation, bare-headed and about to listen the BBC radio commentary from the KC as we face Aston Villa.

Of course I could go down to the pub and watch the game on Sky.

But it is rather cold.

And I haven't got a Hat.

Next Week: The real reason for that team talk:

"Right. Who was looking after the changing room keys?"

Christmas Appeal

2008-12-22T09:46:00.004Z

Stray Photon presents Spraying the Rays' Christmas Appeal:

Hello Readers!

Has anyone seen my Hat?

I left it on the 18:20 Whitton to Waterloo train last Monday.

Here's a brief description:

It was a long, blue thing running on rails, with wheels on the bottom, windows all around and lots of people in it.

Oh, you mean the hat? It looked a bit like this:

That Hat

I've filled in the online lost property form but frankly they're ignoring me. I bet the Waterloo Lost Property office is run by a supporter of Arsenal. Or Tottenham. West Ham and Fulham also spring to mind for some reason.

In the first match since the Hat went missing the team have lost 4-1 to Sunderland. Dirty Northern bastards.

So it is urgent that the Hat is found soon.

It's a wild hope I know, but I wonder if perchance any readers might have connections with South-West trains and would be able to search the entire rolling stock for the item in question?

Anyway, if you have seen this Hat, please contact Spraying the Rays. A reward of £2.50 is offered for its safe return. It may not seem much, but hey, there is a credit crunch on you know. And for £3 I can get a new dandruff-free woolly Hat at Sainsbury's, albeit without the City badge.

Stray Photon would like to take this opportunity to wish all of Spraying the Rays' readers (Howesey and Istvanski) a Merry Christmas.

But only if they find my Hat.

Next Week: Spraying the Rays' guide to Top Christmas Presents for Your Loved Ones which will cost you Bugger All. ( NB: This item was postponed from this week to make way for the Appeal)

Football Report

2008-11-19T21:48:00.003Z

Terry and June

Hello readers!

If Germany's right back had scored in tonights 2-1 defeat to England it would have been just like the old song:

"Mertersacker Goal,

Your chains are unfurled..."

Wouldn't it?

Tomorrow: Photon denies rumours he is to replace John Major on Strictly Come Dancing.

Beer Review

2008-11-18T19:41:00.006Z

from our Beer and, er, Beer correspondent Stray Photon.

Hello drinkers!

As you know it's unlike me to stray far from the fine fare offered by my local brewery, Twickenham Fine Ales, or occasionally their deadly rival Fuller Smith and Turner.

But the other week I found myself in the Roebuck in Hampton Hill and an ale hailing from the Surrey side of the Thames caught my eye:

Waylands Brewery's Martian Mild.

Now, as a Northern youth I used to associate Mild with sad old men sitting in their dingy local bemoaning the state of the world and reminiscing about how much better things were in their day.

But now that I am one of those, I thought I should give it a go.

Stray's Tasting Notes:

Cor, yummy! Wet and beery!

I enjoyed it so much I had another.

And another.

Legend has it that this is the very fluid used by the Martians to lubricate their machines of war.

But this is obviously bollocks. They used Fuller's ESB because of its lower viscosity at the sub zero temperatures encountered in space, as any fule kno.

Whilst on the subject of beer, I note that yet another beer from Twickenham Fine Ales is about to tickle our palates: Twickenham Struise Porter. Expect a full review of this beer on Spraying the Rays as soon as your correspondent can persuade Bob Swipe to buy him a pint of it.

In the meantime however here's an extract from the small print:

"Master Brewer Urbain Coutteau visited Twickenham in the third week of July and together with Twickenham's Head Brewer Tom Madeiros they brewed a 5% Porter called Twickenham Struise Porter. Brewed using Amber and Black malts and Flaked Oats it's a tremendously dark and malty beer with a delicious chocolate and coffee taste."

Mmm! Sounds fab-u-lous, as Craig "Rebel" Horwood would probably say as he downs a glass or three. But Amber and Black malts? What could have been the inspiration for this brew?

Surely not...

Next week: how to perform your own liver biopsy: a step by step guide.

Voting scandals: Then and Now

2008-11-16T21:39:00.010Z

Major and Currie: saucy Saturday night routines

Controversy rages over political correspondent John Sergeant's continued survival in the BBC's hit Saturday evening show, "Strictly Come Dancing".

Despite being consistently panned by the judges, the rotund reporter has been taken to the hearts of the Great British Public who continue to vote for him at the expense of more talented performers such as Cherie Lunghi, Heather Small, and Phil Daniels. (OK, well maybe not Phil Daniels)

But Spraying the Rays' Beer and Ballroom correspondent Stray Photon asks:

"Have we learned nothing?"

Sixteen years ago it was another militarisitically surnamed John with political connections who caused an upset when frumpy John Major was voted for by the British Public as Prime Minister despite the fact that rival Neil Kinnock was a better dancer.

Sergeant and Rihanoff: political scandal

Kinnock also had better policies.

But still the public voted for Major. Maybe they wanted to see more of his glamorous "dance" partner Edwina Currie.

Oh yes.

Here at Photon House however, we say, "What's the big deal?"

After all Sergeant isn't the only newcomer who is making himself unwelcome this season by remaining in contention much longer than anyone expected...

Next week: Stray Photon manages to post an entire blog entry without mentioning that Hull City are in the Premier League...oh bollocks, that's not going to happen, is it?

Drake: I Quit

2008-10-30T21:43:00.005Z

from our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon

Drake: hits out

Hull City manager Gabrielle Drake sensationally resigned today following last night's shock defeat to Chelsea.

The Tigers were hot favourites to take all three points following their previous victories against London clubs Fulham, Arsenal, Tottenham and West Ham. But goals from Frances Lamplight in the third minute plus two other blokes later on produced the surprise result of the season.

Fan protests have been growing in strength as the crisis torn club has sunk to fifth position in the Premier league. Pressure on the beleaguered boss increased when rumours started to circulate that City Legend Dean Windass (63) was considering a loan move to 3rd division L**ds United having not made the first team squad so far this season.

The club released the following statement from Ms Drake late this afternoon:

"I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that I have taken the club as far as I can. To lose to a bunch of soft southern shandy-swilling showbiz jessies like Chelsea is clearly unacceptable and the fans deserve better. So I am stepping aside to make way for someone else who will take Hull City forward into Europe and I wish him or her the best of luck."

Kelly: new boss?

Bookmakers have made former cabinet minister Ruth Kelly favourite to succeed Ms Drake. Other contenders include US president George Bush and failed comic and broadcaster Russell Brand.

Showbusiness News

from our Beer and Showbiz correspondent Ray Proton

Spraying the Rays Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon was suspended for a period of twelve weeks following remarks made on a late night podcast.

The legendary broadcaster is alleged to have left messages on an answering machine belonging to explorer and potato inventor Sir Francis Drake alleging that he had once had a relationship with the historical figure's great-great-great granddaughter, Gabrielle Drake.

Mr Photon has since made a full and frank apology for the remarks. "I just went too far," he said in a prepared statement. "I deeply regret the offence and embarassment I have caused to Sir Francis and his family and realise that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, and I will say or do anything that might help me hold on to my job. Mind you that Gabs did once look at me in a funny way."

Sir Francis was unavailable for comment.

Next week: Free the Radio Two: Spraying the Rays' campaign to reinstate Brand and Ross gets into gear.

Hull fans' protest gathers pace

2008-10-19T16:58:00.012Z

From our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon:

Following today's routine 1-0 defeat of West Ham at the KC Stadium, a small but dedicated group of supporters stayed behind to voice their displeasure at the running of the club.

Shouts of "Sack the Board" and "Gabs Out" could be clearly heard as the group demanded an immediate return to the Coca Cola Championship.

Spraying the Rays asked the protestors about their grievances.

"This Premier League lark is bloody boring," said one as he munched his chips. "These pampered primadonnas are too easy to beat. We want to play against teams who can at least give us a game."

He continued, "We used to have much more entertainment in the olden days when we used to play against the likes of Crystal Palace and Brentford. At this rate we'll have to start going to watch L**ds..."

At this point the conversation was suddenly interrupted as the man was led away forcibly by his colleagues.

Meanwhile at a hastily arranged press conference, manager Gabrielle Drake appealed for calm and said that the fans should stick with the club through these difficult times.

"I can sympathise with the fans. This club have waited 104 years to get into the top flight only to find that it's a load of rubbish," said the space-suited supremo.

She continued, "However I'm sure that when we play the likes of Chelsea and Man Utd in the coming weeks we will encounter at least token resistance, rather than the sorry surrenders we have seen at the Emirates, St James' Park and White Hart Lane."

Next week: Following claims of mass hallucinations in the crowd, dope test results from the KC Stadium fail to indicate unauthorised additives to the pies. Hull City really are still in 3rd position in the Premier League.

Have You Seen This Man?

2008-09-29T21:18:00.006Z

Photon: strayed?

An appeal from Spraying the Rays' Management

Dear Readers.

It is with great regret that we have to inform you that Spraying the Rays' legendary Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon is missing.

After filing his last report, and having failed to arrive at his desk at the STR offices this morning, all attempts to contact the Hull City supporting scribe have met with failure.

His mobile phone remains unanswered and his wife is unaware of his whereabouts.

Local residents reported hearing some commotion from the Photon household at around 6.30 pm on Saturday night. One neighbour, who preferred not to be named, spoke to Spraying the Rays:

"There was strangled cries coming through the wall on two separate occasions." said Mr Wilberforce (82). He continued:

"It was most unnerving. Something right strange must have been going on. I couldn't tell whether they was exclamations of joy or astonishment. Then about 30 minutes later that Robert Swipe blogger bloke left the house looking very cross, swearing and that. And we ain't seen Stray since."

However when she answered the door to STR's reporter, Arsenal-supporting Mrs Photon (23) stated, "I've no idea where the idle Northern get is. Have you tried the Prince of Wales? Or the Rifleman? Now clear off, if you don't mind. I'm having a new patio put down in the back garden. Thank you and goodnight."

If YOU have seen Stray Photon please contact us at the usual address. Spraying the Rays is prepared to offer a generous reward of £5 for any information leading to his whereabouts.

Next week: Lost Bloggers #2: We investigate the mysterious disappearance of blogging legend Istvanski.

Hull youngsters humble mighty Gunners

2008-09-28T08:24:00.008Z

Arsenal 1, Hull City 2 (TWO)

by our Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon

Premiership newcomers Hull City left out experienced players such as Nick Barmby (58) and Dean Windass (63) , opting instead to send out their junior squad featuring players such as Geovanni (13) and Cousin (11).

Cousin: "just like the KC only bigger"

The tactic paid off handsomely with a 2-1 win at the Emirates Stadium as Arsenal veterans such as Theo Walcott (19) failed to cope with the controversial Hull strategy of scoring more goals than the opposition.

Gunners boss Arsene Wenger blamed advanced particle physics rather than complacency for his teams's setback.

Arsene: outgunned

"I think you will find that when the Large Hadron Collider experiment at CERN is finished and the breach in the time-space-reality continuum is repaired, the world will quickly return to normal. "

LHC: spraying the rays

Mr Wenger, looking a bit cross, continued;

"Let us not forget that in the real world Hull were relegated into the Nationwide Conference several years ago and shortly afterwards went out of business altogether. What happened today is an anomaly caused by mad scientists in Geneva messing around with forces they don't understand."

Tigers manager Gabrielle Drake was more upbeat however.

Drake: two up front

"Premier League? You're having a laugh," said the purple-wigged gaffer.

Next week: Tottenham deny widespread "running away" accusations as they apply for early relegation to Championship before Saturday's fixture at home to Hull.

Fergy fury at points switch

2008-08-31T13:35:00.008Z

Ferguson: unhappy

Man Utd manager Sir Alex Ferguson (147) was reported to be "apoplectic with anger" last night as details emerged of a controversial change in the way Premiership standings are to be assessed this season.

The beetroot faced boss is understood to have flown into a rage on hearing the plan would mean that United would miss out on Champions’ League football next season.

Known as the "Boothferry Amendment", the changes mean that rather than judging the twenty Premiership teams on points won at the end of the season, the final league standings will be assessed on the points total after only the first two games of the campaign.

Scudamore: revolutionary

Premiership supremo Richard Scudamore (48) officially announced the reasoning behind the move at a hastily arranged press conference yesterday, after details had been leaked to Spraying the Rays’ Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon (29).

"The Boothferry Amendment will revolutionise the way football is played in this country. We anticipate that it will lead a far more attractive style of attacking football. Teams will no longer be under pressure to play defensively to avoid dropping points, as their league position will have been determined within the opening weeks of the season. "

Mr Scudamore continued, "The fans will not miss out, as the clubs will play the same number of games as before. The only difference will be that with no further points being available, the remaining matches can be played in the true spirit of the game with entertainment being the priority."

Sir Alec was unavailable for comment last night. However as she prepared her side for the challenge of European football next season, Hull boss Gabrielle Drake (34) gave a cautions welcome to the controversial scheme.

Drake: over the moon

“This is a long overdue change in my opinion. For far too long certain football clubs have been denied the success their fans crave simply by being unable to beat other teams or score as many goals as them.”

We asked football expert Stray Photon to analyse how he thought the changes might affect the English game.

But he couldn’t be bothered.

Next week: More exclusive photos from the star studded Spraying The Rays 2nd birthday party. And what was the meaning of Michael Stipe's cryptic comment “Happy Birthday Howesey”, from the stage at REM’s Twickenham concert last night? Pop pundit Ray Sprayer investigates.

"Most Successful Squad in 100 Years"

2008-08-25T15:47:00.013Z

Team returns with record haul from foreign lands

from our award winning Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon*:

Hull City supporters again lined the streets of the town today to greet their heroes' triumphant return from the far off lands of Blackburn in Lancashire.

The team have amassed a record haul of 4 points from their first two games of their historic first Premiership season.

The Tigers have confounded doubters and critics who predicted that they would be relegated by Christmas.

Unable to conceal his delight, beaming boss Phil Brown spoke exclusively to Spraying the Rays.

"The lads have shown these pampered Premier League primadonnas a thing or two already," he said.

"At this rate it will be at least January before we face the harsh reality of being back in the same division as the likes of Crystal Palace next term," the grinning gaffer continued.

Next week: Spraying the Rays is 2 years old this month! We bring you pictures from the star studded celebrity bash at one of London's hottest nightspots!

*Advanced Scout Standard circa 1970

Fans' Dismay at New City Kit

2008-07-11T18:44:00.008Z

New strip: home and away

Hull fans today voiced their unhappiness at the club's choice of kit for their forthcoming Premiership season.

"We feel strongly that it sends out the wrong message to other teams in the division," said a Mr Stray Photon, claiming to be the spokesman for the Twickenham chapter of the Southern Supporters club. He also happens to be Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent.

"At a time when footballers of the calibre of Ronaldo, Adebayor and Lampard are queuing up to join the exodus of pampered Premier league primadonnas who would rather play abroad than face the might of the Tigers, this new home kit projects an unnecesarily pessimistic image of the club," he continued.

"There are lower league clubs such as Crystal Palace, Leeds and Brentford who would be more than pleased to be in our position, and maybe we should be a bit more positive about the campaign."

Brown: blunt

However Hull manager Phil Brown defended the move away from the team's traditional colours of black and amber.

"To be blunt, the old Tiger style kit is gaudy, decadent and entirely out of keeping with today's mood of austerity and world recession. The club need to be more prudent in its choice of colours in the future."

Mr Brown denied rumours that he was under pressure from within the organisation to change the kit policy at Hull. However at a hastily arranged press conference a few minutes later some key changes seemed to have been made to the home strip.

New signing Ronaldo models revamped kit

Meanwhile on BBC2 born again Hull City fan Jeremy Paxman made his feelings plain:

Paxo: even blunter

"Oh come on. Do you really expect us to believe any football team would ever turn out in a kit anything like that?"

Probably not.

Next week: How to Survive Re-entry: an astronaut writes.

Bloody Students...

2008-07-07T23:51:00.003Z

Another glory seeker crawls out of the woodwork to claim allegiance to the Tigers:

Yes, this was last night's University Challenge:

Never happened when we were in Division 3, eh?

(thanks to Andy Medcalf without whose permission these images were reproduced)

Bates: Stick With Us

2008-06-04T20:14:00.006Z

Batey

Leeds United chairman Ken Bates today launched an imapassioned plea to supporters of the 3rd division team to show loyalty following their failure to overcome Doncaster Rovers in the playoff final last month.

"I accept that our supporters have had a huge disappointment this season," continued the former Chelsea supremo, "but we want them to show their support for United at this difficult time. The last thing this club needs is for fans to be tempted to switch their allegiance to a more glamorous Premier League club like, say, Hull City."

Bates put the blame for the team's current predicament squarely down to poor personnel choices for key battles.

"Our legal team were clearly not up to the challenge facing them," Bates concluded.

City Boss Snubs Blues

Hull City supremo Stray Photon issued a "Hands Off Gabs" warning to Chelsea as the shandy-swilling London team continued their search for a replacement for the departed Avram Grant.

The relatively inexperienced Gabrielle Drake was appointed as the Tigers' manager in December 2006 in a move which shocked the footballing world. However she has since repaid the faith shown in her by Mr Photon as she steered the team to promotion to the Premier League via the play-off final last month.

"Mr Abramovitch can offer all the money he wants, but Gabs is going nowhere," stated the elegantly dressed Photon at a hastily arranged press conference.

Drakey

Sitting beside the chairman , Ms Drake categorically denied any interest in the London job.

"Why would I want to move to a team who are on the way down?" said the purple-wigged gaffer, exchanging a knowing look with her boss. "What have Chelsea won this season? Even Spurs beat them in the Coco-Clown Cup, or whatever it's called this week. Great things are happening here at Hull. I can confidently predict that we will spend the whole of the forthcoming season at a higher position in the Football League than we have ever achieved before."

Meanwhile bookmakers are refusing to take any further bets on City legend and Wembley goalscorer Dean Windass winning the coveted BBC Sports Personality of the Year in November.

Torvill (out of shot) and Deano

"It's nailed on," said a spokesman for Ladbrokes, while a representative of Paddy Power, a Mr P Power, added, "Who else has achieved enough this year to earn the right to stand alongside former winners of the calibre of Torvill and Dean, Fatima Whitbread and Princess Anne?"

Next week: Ronaldo speaks exclusively to Spraying the Rays about his "dream move" to the KC Stadium

Play-off Final: Full In-Depth Match Report

2008-05-25T16:37:00.007Z

WE WON!

On other pages:

I Quit: Following Mourinho's resignation immediately before Chelsea's FA cup tie with Hull, City claim the scalp of a second Blues boss as Avram Grant resigns rather than face the Tigers in 08/09.

Sky Falling: Murdoch shares slip following mass sports channel cancellations: viewers thought to be unhappy at prospect of images of Dean Windass being beamed into their homes next season.

United We Fail: Leeds face second term in League One (that's Division 3 for older readers) as Doncaster triumph 1-0 at the Theatre of Dreams...er, I mean Wembley Stadium. Chairman Bates threatens legal action to retrospectively enlarge goals and adjust score to Leeds 15 Doncaster 1.

The Match: Special Report

2008-05-24T00:50:00.005Z

Hello readers!

I'm going out for a while now;

I may be some time.

Bye!

Stadium Switch: fans protest

2008-05-22T00:20:00.011Z

Wembley: like the KC only bigger

Fans of Championship Playoff rivals Hull City and Bristol City were today united in protest at the last minute decision by the Football League to switch the venue for Saturday's final from Wembley in North London to Twickenham Stadium in the leafy South-West of the capital.

"It is regrettable that we have had to make this last minute decision and I would like to apologise for the inconvenience to those travelling supporters, especially those who will be refused admittance owing to the smaller capacity at Twickenham," said league supremo Brian Mawhinney.

"But unfortunately we were left with no choice when it became apparent that the original venue was double booked with the Neasden and Dollis Hill Line Dancing Association's annual festival."

Twickenham: odd shaped balls

Rumours that the event was switched at the request of a local journalist were firmly quashed by Mr Mawhinney.

"It is ridiculous to suggest, as I have seen in some local papers, that this unfortunate last minute change in venue is for any reason other than that which I have already explained."

However speaking from the bar of the Rifleman public house in Twickenham, Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon issued the following statement:

"I only realised a couple of days ago that Wembley is bloody miles away from where I live. I mean it might take me as long as an hour or more to get there. Don't you think I've got better things to do with my time than stand on a tube train with a load of sweaty Northerners pointing and gawping at London's electric lighting and modern sanitary facilities?"

Mr Photon continued, "I just gave old Mawhinney a ring and reminded him about some rather unsavoury episodes from his past that he might prefer did not come to the attention of my colleagues on the national news desks, for example his membership of the Conservative party amongst other things, and bingo, it was sorted."

Mawhinney: dubious associates

Bristol City manager Gary Johnson was quick to express his unhappiness about the situation: "Now we've got to reprogramme the Satnav thingy and I've lost the instructions. Bother."

Meanwhile, in Twickenham itself local residents seemed unaware of the change in plans. "Ooh no, dearie, think you've got that wrong," one passer by told STR's on-the-spot reporter earlier today. "I think they only do pop concerts there nowadays. We've got that lovely REM lot coming up soon, and then of ourse there's the Ariels' comeback tour finishing up there as well."

Michael Stipe was unavailable for comment.

Next week: Bristol's day of glory: full report

Photon Predicts: The Championship Playoff Final

2008-05-22T00:17:00.005Z

Stray Photon: expert

Spraying the Ray's legendary Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon finally delivers his eagerly awaited prediction on the result of this Saturday's Wembley Championship Playoff Final between Hull City and Bristol City:

"It'll be a disaster."

Next Week: Photon on England's prospects in Euro 08. Plus your FREE wall chart to plot the progress of Our Boys. Don't miss it!

Windass to Score at Wembley: official

2008-05-20T23:00:00.006Z

Windass: honoured

Veteran Hull City striker DEAN WINDASS, 61, is to be allowed to score the ceremonial Opening Goal of this Saturday's Championship Playoff Final at Wembley Stadium.

In a radical departure from tradition, opposing team Bristol City have agreed to the move to recognise "Deano"'s legendary status and long service to the sport.

"There was never any argument over the idea", said Robins manager Gary Johnson. "As soon as it was suggested all the lads agreed immediately. Most of us are just honoured to be able to tread the same turf as such a legend."

Football League chairman Brian Mawhinney explained further;

"We at the League feel that for too many years these end-of-season games have just been a frantic and somewhat undignified scramble to score more goals than the opposition."

"By nominating the goalscorers ahead of the game it will remove much of the tension and anxiety supporters currently experience watching a football match, as well as making it easier for them to plan their visits to the toilets, burger bar or other facilities."

Barmby: from Hull

Following Mr Windass's opening goal, the Tigers' tally will be supplemented by a scrambled toe poke from former England international Nick Barmby, 54.

Manchester United loanee Fraiser Campbell will complete the scoring for Hull with a quick brace just before half time.

However in the second half Bristol will complete an unlikely comeback following Windass' dismissal for a rash challenge on Lee Trundle, immediately followed by a red card for dissent for Hull keeper Boaz Myhill.

Full time score 4-4

After a tense goalless period of extra time, Bristol will then go on to win 4-1 on penalties.

Phil Brown: disappointed

Hull manager Phil Brown commented, "I was bitterly disappointed to learn that this is how the season will end for us but we will just have to build on what we've learnt and come back stronger next season and with a better script."

Speaking from his commentary position on the top floor of the Neasden Ikea car park, Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon commented, "Who the f**k writes this rubbish?"

Next week: The rumours persist: Brentford and Palace to merge for 08/09?

BLOG SUSPENDED

2008-05-20T20:02:00.003Z

The weblog you are attempting to view is currently offline. This may be for one of the following reasons:

1: Failed connection to server

2: A network cable is unplugged

3: Any attempt at satire or surreal humour is currently redundant due to the following facts:

Boris Johnson has been elected Mayor of London;

Hull City are playing at Wembley this coming Saturday;

And Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon has managed to blag himself a ticket! *

Crikey, eh readers?

next week: We were Robbed! Full Match Report

*Actually, thanks are due to Mrs Photon for hanging on the phone/internet and landing one minutes before they sold out. And this is an artist's impression of the completed Wembley ticket: mine is considerably cheaper and apparently the seat is so far from the pitch that it's actually in Neasden.

Today's Birthdays

2008-04-17T08:57:00.003Z

Chris Barber, trombonist: 78

John Barrett, tennis commentator: 77

Sean Bean, actor: 49

Victoria Beckham: singer: 34

Clare Francis: yachtswoman and novellist: 62

Bella Freud, fashion designer: 47

Rt Rev Nichael Hill, Bishop of Bristol: 59

Nick Hornby, novelist: 51

Olivia Hussey, actor: 57

Henry Kelly, broadcaster: 62

James Last, bandleader: 79

Graeme LeSaux: footballer: 40

Dame Julia Macur: high court judge: 51

Joyce Molyneux, chef: 77

Prof Sir Peter Morris, transplant surgeon: 74

Ricardo Patrese, Grans Prix driver: 54

Dora Saint (Miss Read), writer: 95

Michael Stroud, Polar explorer: 53

Robert Swipe, musician, writer, podcaster, Master Blogger, conversationalist and bon viveur: 62

Sir Michael Vernon, former chairman RNLI: 82

Jason White, rugby player: 30

Happy Birthday Bob!

from all at the Photon Institute

April Fools Day: A Prank Too Far?

2008-04-01T18:06:00.003Z

Fury erupted today in East Yorkshire when several national newspapers printed the Coca-Cola championship table upside down as an April Fool's day hoax.

The scam became apparent as fans of Hull City AFC noticed their team listed as being in 3rd position and only a point off the automatic promotion places.

"Typical fooking southern poncey media type trick," complained one supporter, who preferred not to be named.

Stray Photon (27) continued, "Everyone knows round this time of year we are usually involved in a struggle against relegation like. It's traditional, i'nt it? Them bloody Southerners are't taking that from us and all, are they?"

Coca Cola Championship: true positions

Meanwhile on the south bank of the Humber, Scunthorpe United supporters were planning a series of street parties to celebrate their impending promotion to the Premiership.

Next week: Spraying the Rays looks at other famous far fetched hoaxes starting with the Conservative party putting forward Boris Johnson as candidate for Mayor of London.

Boat Race: new venue?

2008-03-29T18:16:00.009Z

Humber estuary

Following Oxford's victory over Cambridge in yesterday's University Boat Race, Spraying the Rays can reveal that radical plans have been implemented to update the format of the competition from next year.

In an attempt to broaden the appeal of the 179 year old institution it has been announced that the 2009 race will take place not on the Thames in London, but on the River Humber in Yorkshire.

Publicity director Rear Admiral Sir Algernon Ponsonby Fortesque-Smythe spoke to Spraying the Rays' sports corresponendent in an exclusive interview.

"Here at the Boat race we have been aware that the race needs to broaden its appeal to survive."

"Let's face it, this is the 21st century and we must not fear change."

"In its current format, not only are the same two teams always in the final, but the venue is always the same rather poncey part of London."

2008 boat race: bunch of Southern poufs

"We feel we can learn from the Tour de France bicycle race which regularly hold stages away from its traditional home and thereby involves people from other parts of the nation."

In another radical change to tradition, the 2009 event will be contested by teams representing Everthorpe Borstal from the North Bank and East Lincolnshire College of Agriculture from the South Bank of the river.

The search is now on for a major sporting personality local to the area who will perform the starting ceremony for the race.

"I feel sure that there must be a local person who epitomises the fighting spirit of this great sporting area and it would be a great honour if we could secure his or her services for this historical event," added Lord Fortesques-Smythe, taking another sip from his pint of Top Score lager.

randomly selected local sporting personality

If you can think of a suitable local sporting personality to start the 155th Boat Race, send us his or her name on the back of a postcard together with £10 to cover postage costs to the usual Spraying the Rays address.

If you are lucky enough to select the winning personality YOU will have a grandstand seat for the event in Spraying the Rays' commentary position on Hessle Foreshaw (just beside the ice cream van near the bridge) alongside our legendary rowing correspondent Stray "ooh, me rollocks" Photon.

Next week: Monaco Grand Prix to relocate to Bransholme Estate, Hull? Police voice concerns over local joyriders with access to Hamilton's 200mph Mclaren.

The Defectors

2008-03-28T01:23:00.003Z

Hello!

You know, as a discredited healthcare professional and failed musician I am hardly ever asked these days, "have you ever played in a shit hot punk rock band at the legendary Northern venue that is Hull's Wellingon Club?"

To which I reply that I'm not sure about the "hot" bit, but yes, evidence has recently been unearthed that this is indeed the case:

The Defectors circa 1979

On second thoughts that can't be right...could I ever have been that skinny?

More incriminating images at Mysocks...

Next week: have I ever played in a football team challenging for promotion to the Premier league? No, but I know a man who has...

Blitzkrieg Patrol

2008-03-27T02:14:00.007Z

Hello!

As a healthcare professional, my patients often ask me,

"Were you ever in a New Romantic band like that Spandau Ballet lot?"

To which I emphatically reply,

"NO! Now get out before I break the other leg!"

How dare they? The very thought!

Next week: more embarrassing pictures

Earthquake News

2008-02-28T00:22:00.005Z

Here is the full text of the statement released earlier today by Lt Gabrielle Photon, wife of the proprieter of this blog.

Mrs Photon

"Earlier today I may have inadvertently given the impression that I had experienced considerable sexual raptures due to the amorous attentions of my husband, Mr Stray Photon.

"In retrospect I can see why phrases such as "Oh Stray, you're the King!" and "Is that it?" may have have caused this misunderstanding.

"However, following reports of the seismic disturbance which affected tha nation in the early hours of this morning I now realise that the sensations I experienced of the earth moving was more to do with an act of God rather than the work of Stray, who is, I can confirm, as useless in the sack as ever.

"I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for any confusion I may have caused on this issue."

The couple were married in early 2007 after a whirlwind romance during which Lt Ellis, 36, was reportedly swept off her feet by Photon, 72. At that time he was a leading Blogger whose posts were avidly read by literally tens of people,and was said to have won her heart by publishing numerous pictures of her on the blog for no apparent reason.

Since those heady days Photon's blogging career has spiralled into terminal decline to the extent that he has had to take on radiography work in order to make ends meet.

The apparent friction between the showbiz pair has led to speculation that a seperation may be imminent, and a High Court battle looms over Mrs Photon's claims to part of her husband's assets (£43.50 and a 1978 Fender Telecaster).

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger commented, "It is quite clear. Photon must never play footsy again" before later also retracting his statement and claiming that he did not actually see the earthquake in question.

Mr Photon was unavailable for comment. However a spokesman said that Stray was very upset by the allegations and "whoever this God person is had better watch out and keep his Hand off my wife." It was also suggested that Photon might also have an alternative love interest. "Gay isn't the only one who can play away, you know."

Photon; will he Stray?

The earthquake that hit the UK destroyed much of Lincolnshire causing an estimated £250 worth of damage, although it was suggested that this figure could rise to as much as £300 if the county's bacon slicer needed to be replaced.

Next week: Proposed Government penalties for watching TV in the wrong aspect ratio: are they too lenient?

High Speed Vinyl

2008-02-12T21:50:00.000Z

Hello there, readers!

Here's another Top Tip for making the most of your time.

Music eh?

Centrifuge

We all love it, don't we?

But don't you find some of your favourite records go on a bit?

A modern pop LP can last as long as forty minutes or more.

That's time you can't claim back when you get to those Pearly Gates.

No matter how shit the record was.

Well, here at Spraying the Rays, our team of back-room boffins have come up with the perfect solution.

Photon: brains

You will need:

A screwdriver,
Fake or stolen hospital ID

Simply replace the plodding old 33 or 45 rpm motor in your gramophone turntable with one from a medical centrifuge such as are used to process Cr51 EDTA blood samples prior to Glomerular Filtration rate estimation.

Phonogram

These babies will run at up to 4,000 rpm!

This way you can listen to a whole LP in just over half a minute!

Enjoy the majestic rock grandeur of Deep Purple's live double "Made in Japan" in its entirety in just 66 rock'n'roll seconds!

Triple LP "Sandinista" by phoney art school punk pretenders the Clash? A mere minute and a half!

No more impatient clock watching as the tracks rumble slowly by; just drop the needle on the record and don't even bother to sit down! You can review your entire record collection in a few minutes!

Just think what you can do with the hours you will have to spare!

Bye!

Note: "Tales from Topographic Oceans" by prog-rock pioneers Yes will still seem to last an eternity.

Spraying the Rays accepts no responsibility for operator injury or damage to equipment as a result or this article.

Readers are advised not to attempt dancing to records when played at excessive speed under any circumstances.

Medical note; turntable motors are not suitable for use in medical centrifuges. Please do not simply exchange motors without the advice of a health care professional.

Not Ipod compatible

Football Legend Misses Out on Landmark Cap

2008-01-31T19:09:00.000Z

From our football correspondent Spray Farton:

Newly installed England manager Fabio Capello refused to be swayed by sentiment when he excluded Englands favourite footballer from the squad to face Switzerland next week.

The new Boss

Despite calls for his inclusion the enigmatic Italian chose to ignore veteran striker Dean Windass's claim for inclusion to win his first cap.

"I am frankly not convinced by his match fitness," said Capello at a hastily arranged press conference.

"After all it is some years since he played in a competitive fixture at the top level. When was it he was playing for Oxford United?"

Windass: fag

"I'm gutted" confessed Deano, 38. "What do I have to do to impress this bloke? I've been training all week with the first team squad. I'm as fit as I've ever been," he added as he stubbed out another cigarette.

Windass must now face the prospect of a future free of international committments.

In another shock development a new post appeared on the now derelict "Spraying the Rays" blog for the first time in weeks. It had been thought that the site had succumbed to cyber-vandalism and general lack of interest on the part of readers.

Website in ruins*

"I just happened to be surfing past the site the other day and I thought I noticed some activity," commented former STR reader Istvanski. "and stripe me pink, there it was, another post. It's been very sad watching the old blog fall into disrepair. But I don't suppose it'll ever see the Glory days of 2006 again. There used to be as many as six of us used to read it regular in those days."

Tomorrow: those deadline day transfers in full.

*RIP Boothferry Park

New Music for the New Year!

2008-01-07T18:12:00.000Z

Hey there, Pop Pickers!

As you know, us hep-cats here at Spaying the Strays will stop at NOTHING to unearth NEW Musical Talent for YOUR Listening Pleasure!

So imagine our delight when a blistering new set by the Able Refrigeration Back Room Boys fell into our eager paws.

Crazy name, crazy guys!

This amazing collection came our way via a innovative new format known as a Music Cassette! In a move certain to consign ancient "Digital" technology to the waste bin of history, this finely engineeered plastic box contains the music encoded onto a miniature reel of ANALOGUE tape.

Yes kids, it's the future!

But it's here NOW!

The ARBBB's are:

Bob "Swipey" Swipe

Dave "Howesey" Howes

and Stray "Put that light out!" Photon

And you can hear their radical new sound here!

You'll believe it's 1996 all over again!

[Er...that last bit can't be right, can it?...Music Ed]

Enjoy!

Abuse of NHS resources: shock report

2007-12-13T23:54:00.000Z

Hello viewers!

This one goes up to 11 (Teslas)

As a health care professional I am often asked how it would sound if you plugged your guitar into a MRI scanner.

To which I reply how the f**k would I know?

But hang on; turns out there's a bloke at my place who has done it; and it sounds like this.

Nuts, eh?

I like him.

Wheres the f**king singer when you need to shift the amps?

Mind you I can't see it being very practical on a long tour. It'd be OK for a residency.

As long as it was in a radiology department.

More about this magnificent pioneer of rock and roll here.

And here.

Next week: How to build a drumkit out of an anaesthetic trolley.

the Masked Hacker Returns!

2007-12-08T20:08:00.001Z

You thought I'd gone away, didn't you boys and girls?

Well I'm back.

And I'm meaner than ever!

Tnanks to some diligent research by my team of glamorous female assistants, the Masked Hackettes, we've managed to unearth a tape from 1995 that Stewed Prutton, or whatever he's called this month, had hoped had been mislaid forever!

Ha!

And this stuff is BAD!

I mean PAINFUL!

Yes folks; REEL in horror as Futon attempts to cover a Hank Williams classic:

FEEL your guts revolve as the failed so-called radiographer "Sings" the Blues:

and PEEL yourself another grape as your recover in the Intensive Care unit from the assault on your senses that is Stray "Funk"-on!

And theres more to come! Also on this tape are contributions from fellow bloggers Bob "Robert" Swipe and Dave "Howesey" Howes!

And if the usual funds are not "resting" in my account by this time next week, rest assured that the whole of the Blogosphere will be made aware of what you and Stray got up to in his back room in the mid 90's.

Oh yes.

In the meantime, assuming you are of a strong disposition, click here.

Happy Listening!

[maniacal laughter, fade to black]

England F...

2007-11-22T00:29:00.001Z

Fucking hell.

Still at least we'll see England vs Scotland next summer.

Fucking hell.

Missing Discs: Swipe to Resign?

2007-11-20T22:50:00.000Z

Swipe: in trouble again?

Well known blogger Robert Swipe (53) is facing increasing calls for his resignation following a frank admission to the nation of the loss of several important discs containing important musical data.

Mr Swipe’s blog has made no secret of the fact that these discs have been mislaid, stolen or lost through no fault other than his own.

However the former Twickenham pop legend denied that the incident has put anyone’s security at risk.

"It’s just a “Storm in a Teacup”…ooh no, that was the Fortunes’ follow up to “Freedom Come Freedom Go”, wasn’t it, back in 1972, and I never had that, so I can’t have lost it, can I?" stated Swipe, becoming increasingly confused.

Mis-Fortunes for Bob

“I will survive” he continued, before claiming that this record too was never in his possession.

However other major figures in the blogging fraternity were less inclined to see Mr Swipe’s point of view.

“This is an absolute outrage,” stated a Mr S Photon, founder of Bloggers against the Bob. “Swipe has no choice but to step down immediately and I demand a full public inquiry into the situation.”

Photon continued, "In order to prevent such a crisis occurring again I am prepared to offer my services and personally look after all Mr Swipes rare and valuable LP's and 45's myself. After all I have never mislaid or lost any sort of record...mind you I did have that slipped disc back in '93 and that's never been right since, and where on earth did I put that Kirsty McColl CD?"

Swipe: soon to have a police record?

LATEST: Questions have also been asked in the House (well, my house at least) about another missing record: no Nick Lowe entry in the Guardians supposed list of 1,000 LPs to hear before you die. Whats all that about then?

Next week: In an unrelated development, police in Hull, East Yorkshire are investigating the mysterious disappearance of Hull Grammar School from its site on Bishop Alcock Road. Local youths or former old boys are thought to be to blame. More to follow.

Floreat Nostra Schola (May Our School Flourish)

Narcolepsy: An End in Sight?

2007-11-07T17:57:00.000Z

What-ho, listeners!

You know, as a health care professional I am often asked, "Professor Photon, I keep falling asleep at inappropriate times, for example at work or on the bus. Can you help?"

Of course I can! They don't call me the Boss of Buzz for nothing!

Simply click here, download the podcast, stick it on the old MP3 thingy and hey presto! Those catchy tunes, hand-selected by self-styled "Vinyl VIPs" Bob and Stray, will have your toes tapping like nobody's business. You'll never doze again!

Bye!

Next Week: Photon's backache cure: serious side effects reported.

Insomnia: New Miracle Cure

2007-11-06T22:18:00.000Z

Hello there viewers!

You know, as a health care professional I am often asked, "Professor Photon, I just can't get to sleep at night. Can you help?"

Of course I can! They don't call me the Sultan of Slumber for nothing!

Simply click here, download the podcast, stick it on the old MP3 thingy and hey presto! You'll be dozing within minutes!

Bye!

Next Week: Stray cures backache forever!

Healthcare Reform: An Alternative Strategy

2007-10-04T17:44:00.000Z

Photon: health guru

The government are giving serious consideration to a report from the unofficial Health expert Mr Stray Photon in which he outlines a radically different vision for the future of the NHS to that proposed yesterday by Lord Darzi.

The report was presented at a press conference today in which Mr Photon elaborated on his views.

"With all due respect," he said, "Lord Darzi is talking a load of bollocks. Healthcare policy in the UK is based on a fundamentally unsound premise and unless we adopt a radically different policy, billions of pounds of taxpayers money will continue to disappear into a bottomless pit at an ever increasing rate."

The report introduces a concept known as the Photon Principle, which describes the theory that public health deteriorates to accommodate the available healthcare, rather than the other way round, as had previously been thought.

"We should be looking at actively reducing heathcare provision, not increasing it." continued Photon. "Fewer hospitals, not more. Longer waiting lists, not shorter. As long as there's a spare bed available, there'll be some workshy fop throwing a sickie to try and get in it and bleed more NHS resources from the state."

Swinging the lead

"This money could be better spent on newer, flashier X-ray machines and scanners, which do more of the radiographers' work for them, freeing them up to spend more time writing blogs and googling for images of Billy Piper with hardly any clothes on...er, I mean maintaining their admirable committment to continuing professional development."

Investment in new equipment needed

"It's quite plain to those of us who already work in the industry. We need to stipulate a minimum wait before seeing your doctor rather than a maximum. For example, if your GP's surgery is not open then you can't see your doctor. therefore you are not officially ill. In the time before your GP is available you will probably get better. On the other hand if you are actually properly poorly, you will still be ill when the surgery is open and can then be treated accordingly."

The document proposes some immediate changes in working conditions for heathcare professionals, particularly in the speciality of radiology.

"Radiographers should be able to retire on full pay at the age of 49. In addition the working week can be reduced to 2 days with no significant effect on the nation's health. There would be a knock-on effect of a significant boost to local economies especially in the brewing and catering industries.

The report suggests that radiology staff may cause less disruption to healthcare provision by spending more time at home playing Doom 3 and doing voluntary quality assurance testing on local industry products such as those of the Crane Brewery, Twickenham.

Other radical proposals include all patients having their NHS number tattooed across their forehead as a barcode. This would reduce adverse clinical outcomes due to wrong identification of the patient, and would minimise the need for NHS workers to engage in conversation with The Public. Photon elaborates: "After all most of them are very unpleasant and many have Diseases, especially those in Hospitals."

Beep Beep!

Prime Minister Gordon Brown is understood to have shown a great interest in the controversial proposals and is planning to invite Mr Photon to present them to the Cabinet in the near future.

Hello Cabinet. These are my plans.

Next Week: Lord Photon turns his attention to the Transport sector. "No Trains; no pain." What is he on about?

Hull vs London

2007-10-03T19:12:00.000Z

Kingston upon Hull

London

Following one or two disappointing football results against London based teams beginning with C, Spraying the Rays attempts to find the definitive answer to the age old question, Hull or London; which is best? We assembled a jury of highly respected cultural commentators, sports pundits and video-gaming drunkards to assess some aspects of this vexing issue.

So lets look at the evidence, shall we?

Round 1: Football

26th September 2007: Hull City 0, Chelsea 4

After a shockingly cynical display of cheating (having better players, playing better football), overpaid pampered Premiership primadonnas Chelsea narrowly squeeze through to the next round of the widely discredited Carling Cup.

3 points to London

2nd October 2007: Hull City 1, Charlton Athletic 2

A frankly comical refereeing display gifts the Addicks 3 points in the increasingly Mickey Mouse-like Coca Cola Championship.

3 points to London

Football songs: Chart-topping Chelsea offer up a rocking version of "Blue is the Colour", while the Tigers counter with a soulful rendition of "Young, Amber and Black"

Hull 6 points, London nul points.

Total so far: too close to call with both cities neck and neck on 6 points each.

Round 2: Famous People

Who has made the most important contributions to our nations culture, sporting heritage and entertainment industry? Spraying the Rays' highly paid research team worked overtime to bring us the following:

Hull:

Maureen Lipman

Ian Carmichael

Amy Johnson

Lene Lovitch

Roy North

Nick Barmby

Norman Collier

William Wilberforce

Stray Photon

Stray Photon's Dad

London:

Charlie George

Jim Davidson

Brian Thingy out of East 17

er...

A clear victory for the North here; Hull are awarded 3 points.

Round 3: Pop Groups

Needing desperatley to haul in Hull's advantage London offers;

East 17

The Pirhanas

Rolling Stones

A strong hand indeed, you may think. However Hull counter with:

Kingmaker

Dead Fingers Talk

That Stuart bloke that played saxaphone with Sade

The Defectors

Hull reply with quantity against quality but wait...what's this? A note handed to the judges points out that the Pirhanas hail from Brighton and therefore are not eligible as a London band. London are therefore disqualified from this round, forfeiting all 4 points to Hull.

Total so far: Hull 13, London 6

Bonus round: Randomly selected LP title:

The Housemartins: London 0 Hull 4 (1992)

3 more points to Hull

With Hull now in a seemingly unassailable lead of 16 points against London's puny total of 6, what can the southern shandy-swillers pull out of the bag?

Final Round: Best looking Sports Personality

London play their joker, autmatically doubling their points as they present:

Jamie Redknapp

Hull counter somewhat hesitantly with...no, surely not...it's...

Dean Windass? Oh, bugger.

London wins the round with 4 points doubled up to 8. Hull meanwhile have 2 points deducted as a penalty for taking the piss. Which leaves the two opponents, incredibly on 14 points each.

It's a tie!

Or is it? Is there any way to seperate these protagonists? The judges are conferring...and yes I have been handed a note...

...and it says that 5 bonus points will be awarded on the basis of the result of the forthcoming fixture between Crystal Place and Hull City this Saturday, 6th October at Selhurst Park.

Blimey. Now they've got something to play for!

Next week: Bridges; who's got the biggest?

Mourhino: The Facts

2007-09-20T17:17:00.000Z

Mourinho: scared

Spraying the Rays can exclusively reveal the real reason for Jose Mourhino's shock departure from Premier League club Chelsea last night.

In an exclusive interview the Special One revealed his fears over the forthcoming Carling Cup fixture with resurgent Championship club Hull City next Wednesday.

"It's unwinnable," he said in an implausible foreign accent. "Yes of course, I have had some disagreements with Mr Abramovitch. But this is not what keeps me awake at night. These Tigers from Yorkshire, they fill me with mortal dread. I fear that come next Wednesday my eggs will have been well and truly scrambled."

He continued, "Why would a man stay in a burning plane watching the ground hurtle towards him when he can jump to safety? I would be crazy to stay. Your Arsenals, your Man Utds and your Liverpools: these team hold no fear for me. They are pretty boys, they like to play how you say, the pretty football. This is easy for me. But these Hull City; they are men and they play big proper football. My girls are nervous of becoming omelette at Fortress KC on the 21st."

Randomly selected Hull City player

The coach refused to comment on reports that since the draw for the next round was announced there has been a queue of highly paid Premiership players outside his office every morning with notes from their mothers forbidding them to play against "rough northern boys".

However Jose conceded, "It is true that the squad have had some unusual injuries over the last couple of weeks." he said. "Lampard's twisted sock is taking longer than we expected to heal, and Schevchenko's name had been mis-spelled on his shirt again, ruling him out for another month. Thankfully all this is no longer my problem."

Spraying the Rays' Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon adds:

"Thank God for this. I haven't been able to think of anything to blog about for weeks."

Next Week: Hull 1 Chelsea 5: match report

Dear Mr McClaren...

2007-09-12T21:22:00.001Z

When those other boys Wayne and Frank and David get back off their hols or wherever they've been, please could tell them thanks very much, but you've found some other footballers to play for the team: players who don't seem to have an arrogant expectation of being picked despite a string of disappointing performances, and nor do they give the impression that they don't actually have to work too hard on the pitch as it's only their second team anyway?

Would you be so good as to point out to them that it's been a delight watching an England team play with honest endeavour, desire, and pride, and that Heskey, Barry and Wright-Phillips, to name but four, have more than earned their place in the team?

I'd like to see how Lampard et al react to the being told that he might make the squad but will have to warm the bench and and see if he gets chance to play if someone who actually cares about playing for the national team gets hurt or knackered? What will his army or agents and PR men make of that, eh Mr McClaren? Maybe a strategic injury would avoid embarrassment?

Whilst I'm on the subject...

I wonder if there are any other experienced hard-working footballers who have previously been overlooked for international selection whose skills you might find useful in the remainder of the Euro 2008 campaign?

Just a thought.

Yours

SP

Twickenham

Next Week: Dear Mr President...

Stray Photon's TV Tips

2007-09-06T23:01:00.000Z

Number 173:

ITV4, 20:00, Thursdays:

Crikey!

Gerry Anderson's U F O.

Bobcast 42

2007-08-20T19:27:00.000Z

Bob Swipe, the "God of Pod" is back!

And you can listen to him here!

(That's another pint of award winning Twickenham Fine Ale you owe me, Swipey!)

Cheers, Bobbo!

Next Week: another STR guide: How Podcasting Works

It's Back!

2007-08-14T00:48:00.000Z

Stray Photon (left): ready for season 2007-08

Thank God. It's the Blogging season again.

And maybe this one will be different.

No more unfulfilled promise, shattered hope, or cruel disappointment.

I do my best, readers. I promise you I try; every time I feel the Urge to Blog and sit at my hand knitted PC I say to myself; NO mention of That Man.

But what's a chap to do?

On Saturday I took daughter #2 (6 yrs), niece #1 (9) and sister #1 and only (41) to their first Hull City game , along with wife #1 (n*), daughter #1 (10) and nephew #1 (11), who have all suffered...er, I mean witnessed the glory that is The Tigers many times before.

And who should score after less than 3 minutes from a Nick Barmby (HFHYK) rebound?

Surely not?

Oh yes!

Windass: no pictures this season

But hang on a minute. Supporting Hull City and instant gratification are strictly non-compatible.

We lose 2-3. Normal service is resumed

That'll teach them. Bloody glory seekers.

Shame Leeds won though. Now they're only 12 points adrift. In League 1!

That's Division 3 in old money.

I still think last season's shirt is better...

Next Week: Palace/Brentford: early promise fades.

Punk's Not Dead

2007-07-14T09:41:00.001Z

...just having a bit of a lie down.

Sex Pistols to reform?

Most gratifying last Sunday evening to peek through the curtains at the well heeled Genesis "fans" who had cluttered our leafy Twickenham street with their badly parked Mercs, BMWs and Jags as they returned post-gig to their vehicles to find them ticketed.

Especially as I had the Ramones playing in the background.

Oh how the rosy glow faded from their cheeks! *

Hee Hee!

I like to think that the noble agents of the London Borough of Richmond dispensed with their usual Gestapo type uniforms for the occasion, and instead sported leather jackets and ripped jeans as they went about their duties.

Parking wardens: new look

But they probably didn't.

Next week: the Stray Photon podcast. Does it really exist?

*Genesis fans, not the Ramones, who, as far as I am aware, have never had any sort of rosy glow to any part of their anatomies.

Culture Minister: I Quit

2007-06-30T06:46:00.000Z

Windass signs resignation letter

Gordon Brown's carefully crafted new government was left in tatters last night as it was revealed that a key minister has resigned from his post with hours of being appointed.

Minister for Culture and Transport with Special Responsibility for South-West Trains, Dean Windass sensationally stepped down after after a photograph allegedly showing him in a compromising position with a mysterious "Man in Black", whose identity was not revealed, were published on an obscure blogging site:

Deano's bum

Excerpt from text of resignation letter:

"It is with great regret that I tender my resignation. However I have been placed in an untenable position and feel that it is the best interests of the Government that I stand down in order to minimise any potential further embarrassment to the Administration."

In his letter of reply the PM paid tribute to Sir Dean's many hours of loyal service to his country;

"It is a tragedy that the country will be deprived of your immense talents and experience but I wish you well in your continuing career as Envoy for Peace and Harmony in North Lincolnshire."

Text of Mrs Windass' response to the news that the minister was stepping down to spend more time with his family:

"Oh shit."

In his hasty first reshuffle PM Brown moved swiftly to replace Lord Windass in the cabinet.

In a unique cabinet job-share, responsibilities for Transport will be taken on by Istvanski and Howesey.

Rail travellers have been advised to expect some innovative changes especially in the commuter regions of South West London.

In a leaked document seen by Spraying The Rays' political staff it was proposed that there would be an end to rail services before 10.00 am. The document also suggests a more flexible general approach to timetables. When pressed on these changes the new ministers were somewhat evasive.

"Look, you'll get a train if we feel like driving one OK? Now piss off. I'm trying to do a podcast." said Istvanski.

We also attempted to contact Howesey but he was unable to hear the telephone due to temporary deafness following a concert he had attended in his previous role as Secretary of State for Loud and Raucous Pop Music.

Howesy: diagnosed with Motor Head

However he later released a press statement:

"The days of preplanned and strictly regimented rail travel are over. We are at the dawn of a new age for public transport. In the future both destination and time of travel will be subject to a more liberal interpretation by the train operator; for example if it's nice weather we might go to the seaside, or there might be some shopping I need to do, etc."

Another key appointment was made public yesterday when it was announced that Ken Bates was to become Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Bates: Leeds untied

"No-one can fail to be impressed by the prudence with which Mr Bates has handled the financial situation at the Coca Cola League One football club Leeds United FC.," said Prime Minister Brown. "This gives us the option, in the unlikely event of the UK becoming financially unstable, of going into administration, taking the 10 point penalty and getting relegated into the Third World."

Kiss Prudence...

Mr Brown also revealed Gabrielle Drake as the new Junior Minister with special responsibility for Space; the Final Frontier. She will be based at the department of Beer Chips and Football, where she will be working, er...under the Right On Stray Photon.

Drake: Earth to be moved

Mr Photon professed himself to be very pleased with the new appointment.

"Ms Drake is a woman of remarkable talents and I look forward to working very closely with her in the future to safeguard Britain's interests in space, and possible going beyond where no minister has gone before."

Mrs Photon later commented, "Are you still doing that bloody blog? Get down here and take the kids to the park. That is all I have to say on the matter at the moment. No more questions."

Next week: A special STR investigation: Zippo's Circus mystery; the case of the missing musicians.

Brown Cabinet: latest news

2007-06-28T23:41:00.000Z

Brown cabinet

Shockwaves reverberated around Westminster last night as the latest appointments to Gordon Brown's cabinet were announced.

Stray Photon, legendary former Ariels and Defectors guitarist and Cool to Snog drummer is the new Minister for Beer, Chips and Football.

Photon: man of destiny

Mr Photon spoke to the press on the steps of 10 Downing Street after his surprise appointment:

"I ask only that I serve my people. Let us go forward together. It is a great honour for my constituency that I have been offered this opportunity to Make Britain Greater. Could you print the last three words with Capital letters please?."

Meanwhile the new Prime Minister courted further controversy with his choice of Minister for Culture and Transport with Special Responsibility for South-West Trains.

Windass: hit the cabinet post

Sir Deano of Windass (62) has been asked to combine his current role as Coca-Cola Championship Top Scorer Season 07-08 with his new post.

He spoke to Spraying the Rays' political correspondent in an exclusive interview.

"Well it just came out of the blue, like. One minute I was sat at home with our lass arguing whether it should be that Billi or Charlie to get evicted this week, and then next thing I know the phone goes and she says it's Gordon about a new job. Well I says to her tell him to f**k off, those green and white hoops will do nowt for me waistline, but it turns out it were a completely different bloke."

Lord Deano promised that one of his first actions in his new role would be to instigate an inquiry as to what happened to the band who used to play as part of Zippo's Circus, currently resident on Twickenham Green rather than the the nerdy looking bald bloke sitting behind a keyboard providing musical backing to the various clowns, trapeze artistes and other circus types.

"It's political correctness gone mad", said Lord Windass.

The appointment of Robert Swipe as Undersecretary of State for Blogging and the Environment has also raised a few eyebrows, both in the blogging community and beyond.

Swipe: excessive leakage

"It's political madness gone correct," said Admiral Swipe, 86.

Further appointments are expected to be announced in the next few days.

Next week: Great Gigs of Our Time: first in a brand new series.

A New Career in a New Town

2007-06-15T22:53:00.000Z

St Previous Hospital Nuclear Medicine Department:

Call that a Gamma camera?

Current Cross Hospital Nuclear Medicine Department:

Nah. THIS is a Gamma Camera.

This one goes up to 11.

Don't even look at it.

Bye!

New Blogging Machine Invented

2007-06-03T23:37:00.001Z

Hairfix: nuts

Crazed Twickenham inventor James Vox Airfix claims to have invented a new machine which could revolutionise the blogging process.

Airfix claims the radical new design could halve the time it takes to deliver a blog to the recipient. More controversially, Mr Bostick states that the "Blog-o-Ray" device can deliver blogs through previously impenetrable objects such as earwax and very thin paper.

"It's remarkably simple, really," he told STR's science correspondent. "When you want to read a blog, you just ask your doctor to refer you to the Blog-o-Ray department of your local hospital. They will contact you and ask you to fill in a form stating which blog you want to read and within 8 weeks you will receive an appointment for the blog transfer procedure."

"When you attend for your appointment you will lie down on the couch and after some sedative medication has been administered, the blog will be implanted in your brain. The whole process will take less than two hours. This heralds a new age for the Blog. At last we can now bring the joy of blogging to the masses."

However when asked about possible side effects Mr Araldite became somewhat evasive.

"It's true that we did have one or two, er, adverse events in the early days," he admitted, becoming slightly flustered. "But I am 87.53% certain that those problems have now been ironed out."

Spraying the Rays managed to track down one of the early volunteeers for the prototype of the Blog-o-Ray, who agreed to talk to us on condition of anonymity. His words have been typed by an actor.

"It were bloody awful," said the man, a former Premiership footballer. "Wave after wave of disinterest and apathy flowed through my body as the blog was implanted. I think it were summat called "Building my PC" or something. I got this awful cramp in t'jaw from yawning so much, and brain were numb for months."

The neurological effects of the process eventually wore off but the awful physical disfigurement is still plain for all to see:

Anonymous brain donor

Mr Evostik declined to comment on stories linking him with the recent Polonium 210 scandal.

"I tell you that stuff was just resting in my radioactive store. I didn't even know what it was. Lovely glow to it though..."

Safe nos. 1 and 2 are still missing...

Shortly afterwards we were asked to leave.

Next Week: Is Blogging Safe for Our Kids? Spraying the Rays' science correspondent has no idea.

What's My Crime?

2007-05-22T07:07:00.001Z

Hello Readers!

Hundreds of Spraying the Rays fans have forgotten to ask me, "when's the next blog?"

Well Sprayers, the wait is over. And today we have an exciting new feature; "WHAT'S MY CRIME", a hard hitting investigation into the crimes affecting us today.

"No holds barred in this probing look at the current state of villainy in Britain..." - Blogger's Digest

"Robbers and other no-goodnicks must be quaking in their knock-off Timberlands." - The Blogger

"Just a load of made-up rubbish." - What Blog

So, without further ado, let's play..."WHAT'S MY CRIME?"

Scene of the Crime # 1: HMV:

American Graffiti

US producer and director George Lucas brings us the seventh episode in the epic Star Wars saga. In a galaxy not that long ago and just over the road in galactic terms, Lucas completely rips off the Terminator franchise by sending Darth Vader back in time (or is it forward...I get so confused) to the early 60's US in the guise of a leather jacketed hoodlum. His mission: to find and kill Luke Skywalker's great great great grandson played by that bloke out of Happy days, thereby saving the Universe from the horror that is Episode: I The Phantom Menace.

Follow up movies are reputed to include "The Wolfman Strikes Back" and "The Return of Richie Cunningham"

Available in HMV for £3.

Studio Audience: "What's My Crime?"

Stray Photon: "Robbery: IT'S A STEAL!"

Scene of the Crime # 2: Amazon UK

Laurel and Hardy

Look out Morecambe and Wise, Ryan and Ronnie, and the Chuckle Brothers! There's a new double act in town! Producer Hal Roach (obviously appealing to the student audience with the not-so-subtle drug reference) opts for a very retro feel in this new sitcom based in the US of the 30's. No expense has been spared to recreate the feel of the era; the cars, the clothes and the haircuts all look remarkably authentic. However the inclusion of monochromised versions of the episodes is no more than a tacky gimmick and won't ever catch on.

Series of 15 DVDs available from Amazon UK for £1.97 each.

Studio Audience: "What's My Crime?"

Stray Photon: "Robbery: IT'S A STEAL!" (are you getting the idea yet, readers?)

Scene of the Crime # 3: Florida, USA; the beach.

With the season over, footballers seize the chance to grab some well deserved rest and top up the tan. And who could be more deserving than 20 goal hero Dean Windass; saviour of Hull City and vanquisher of L**ds United. Spraying The Rays' investigative reporters have tracked down "Deano" to an exclusive nudist beach on America's Atlantic coast, from where we bring you these sensational pictures:

IMAGES REMOVED BY SITE ADMINISTRATOR

Ouch! More Factor 15 on those extremeties, Deano!

Studio Audience: "What's My Crime?"

Howesey barges into shot and elbows Photon out of the way.

Howesey: "Indecent Exposure: GET YOUR KIT ON!"

Bye!

The Third Man

2007-05-07T23:48:00.000Z

Swipe (left) and Photon in the Prince of Wales

I was sitting in the Prince of Wales with my good friend and blogging mentor Robert Swipe this evening.

The conversation turned, as it often does, to Cinema.

"Have you seen 'The Third Man?'" asks Bob.

Silly question.

Why would I watch the sequel, when I haven't seen 'The Second Man' or even 'The First Man' yet?

I mean, you wouldn't expect me to watch 'Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope' before 'Episode III Revenge of the Sith', would you?

Stray Photon a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Honestly, some people know nothing about Films.

Still, he does make exceedingly good Songs.

Bye!

Leeds United: Won't Get Fooled Again

2007-05-05T19:19:00.000Z

"Here comes the new boss,

Same as the old boss..."

Pete Townshend, 1971

UK Earthquake: latest news

2007-04-28T19:36:00.001Z

Aftershocks continued today following the earthquake that hit the UK yesterday.

The seismic disturbance was first thought to have originated in Kent, but later geological data revealed that the epicentre of the tremor was actually in an area of Leeds, Yorkshire known to locals as "Elland Road".

Elland road: future Tesco's?

Eyewitnesses spoke of their fear and disorientation at what was occurring.

"Our world just seemed to be falling apart around us," said one tearful youth who appeared to be wearing a badly faded "Leeds into Europe 2001" T shirt.

There was also palpable anger at the situation.

"They said it could never happen here," whined another as he clutched a tattered scarf bearing the legend "Division One Champions 1992".

"Our leaders promised us that we were safe", spluttered a pasty faced youth as he dropped his emergency pie and chips ration onto the ground. "They lied to us. Why, we may as well have hired some cockney wide boy thug to be in charge

Wise: touted for Morecambe job

Others were merely confused. "Where is Cheltenham?" asked a woman clutching an Atlas of Great Britain.

The magnitude of the quake, estimated to be 46 points on the Richter scale, was such that victims felt the need to evacuate stands at the delapidated ground, and play at a football match which happened to be going on at the time was suspended for some thirty minutes while locals streamed on to the pitch in an attempt to protect visiting players by threatening them with violence.

There also seemed to be some concern for the well-being of the club's manager, a Mr Dennis Wise, as many of the displaced persons were keen to "sort him out".

Effects of the tremor were felt as far away as the Prince of Wales in Twickenham, where Spraying the Rays' chief Beer and Football correspondent Stray Photon detected major palpitations in the chest region following the realisation that the 1-1 scoreline was not, as had been reported on the BBC, a final result.

Popular local

"I was severely traumatised." Mr Photon told us in a slurred voice. "When Sky Sports News reported that there was the last of 6 minutes inury time still to play, I thought it was inevitable that Leeds were going to score. Another pint of that delicious Spring Ale please, barman! Last orders please, Ref! Blow your f*cking whistle!"

Meanwhile, in the picturesque former fishing village of Hull, only a matter of miles away from the disaster unfolding in West Yorkshire, residents were narrowly saved from a similar fate.

Hull; Jewell of the East Coast

In a scenario remarkably similar to the film Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis, the town was saved by the heroic actions of one man, who despite being in an overwhelmigly hostile alien environment (Cardiff) managed to place launch an incendiary device into the very heart of the enemy defence.

Sir Dean Windass, who with characteristic modesty asked not to be named, declined to comment on his impending sainthood, saying his 52nd minute strike which all but secured Championship status for Hull City was just "part of the job, but if it helps send the White Sh*te down to Division 3 then all the better."

Bruce Windass: heroic

Mr Windass was later awarded Freedom of the City of Hull in a ceremony attended by Maureen Lipman, William Wilberforce and that bloke off Basil Brush.

Mr Roy: he's from Hull you know...

L**ds United can now only save themselves from relegation by beating promotion chasing Derby on the last day of the season, assuming that Hull lose at home to nothing-to-play-for Plymouth, and must improve their goal difference compared with Hull's by a collossal margin of 9 goals.

Longstanding Hull City fan Stray Photon commented, "It'll be a disaster. We're as good as down. Where did you say Cheltenham was?"

Dennis Wise was last seen late last night trying to hail a cab to take him as far away from Yorkshire as possible, but seemed to be having very little success.

Bye!

Next week: Late Windass penalty miss costs Hull dear as Leeds put 10 goals past Derby junior reserves.

Obligatory Windass pic

Stray Photon: A Statement

2007-04-19T20:54:00.000Z

Following a number of enquiries from readers of this blog (Hello Mum!) Stray Photon today released the following press statement:

"I would like to reassure all my female fans that at no time during my career in Nuclear Medicine have any of my organs or body parts been removed for research into the effects of Polonium-210.

Photon: funny walk

My unusual gait is the result of an unfortunate incident during the Punk Revolution of 1976, but I never talk about it. I can categorically state that I am just a much a man as I ever was.

Stray faces the press

Thank you for your attention."

Stray Photon is 37 millicuries.